I hoped for a celebration. I hoped for liberation. The words “There’s no way he wins again” slipped out of my mouth countless times throughout the last 107 days. I had no doubt in my mind that my country wouldn’t choose a man who saw people as less than human and expendable. I had hope. This warm feeling that filled me. I voted knowing that she wasn’t the perfect candidate. I knew that there were things about her campaign I disagreed with.Â
I sat glued to my TV. Only going to bed after my eyes were falling heavy and the first of the oh-so-important swing states was declared. I went to bed uncertain. Scared. But I still had some hope, knowing that in my heart I truly believe there is good in everyone. Hope that people will vote with love rather than hate. Vote for immigrants, LGBTQ+ people, women, school children. When one candidate is so hateful of course I believed that eventually the right thing would happen.Â
I woke up scared to look at my phone. Immediately googling to see the red and blue map appear. I woke an hour before my first alarm was even set to go off but I was instantly alert. No snooze needed. My first thought was shock. Shock that there was that much prejudice in our county. Shock that a very qualified candidate lost to a felon. Shock that instead of rejoicing over the first female president, now tears were spilling from my eyes.Â
I walked around today like I was in slow motion and the world was moving around me. I walked around campus with no music. I tried my hardest to stay off my phone and stay away from the reminders of terror on the screen. I felt the sting of tears a multitude of times throughout the course of my school day. Once when my professor asked, “How are you, no really?” Then again when we read The Undefeated by Kwame Alexander. “The ones who survived America by any means necessary. And the ones who didn’t.” Immediately thinking of the women who have already died due to cruel abortion bans.Â
I am scared. For myself as a woman. For every woman who chooses to have an abortion. For every woman who wants access to contraceptives. For myself as a future educator, who has to rely on the Department of Education to continue to fund aid for my future students who have special needs. For Title 1 schools. For all LGBTQ+ people. For their hope and their peace. For every little girl who saw themselves in Kamala Harris. I hope they continue to believe they are capable of anything and most of all I hope they aren’t afraid. I am scared that people’s value will be questioned. I am scared for every child in school, for their safety. Scared for the people in Palestine and all immigrants.
Yes, I am angry. But this is the anger that moves people. This anger is motivating. This is rage! This is the energy I will carry with me to continue my activism. To march at women’s marches. To continue to educate myself to be the best teacher I can be. To continue to love everyone. To continue to fight for everyone to love whoever the hell they want. I am not going to let this take away my hope.Â
I am honored that my first Presidential vote was for Kamala Harris. We will be ok.