It’s there for you after a long, crazy night of mistakenly texting your ex, most often it’s the best doorbell delivery you could ever receive, and honestly, the government is hiding that it’s the most important food group on the “balanced plate” in health class (that’s my personal conspiracy, but think about it). What is this delicious, loyal, and sacred item I speak of? The one, the only: pizza. If you are a die-hard pizza lover like me, then you’ll definitely relate to the absolute worst things that could ever happen in a pizza situation. Like…
1. When you take a bite out of an obtuse slice. The cheese is still hot to the point where it sexily releases steam from the seam at the crust, and then suddenly it ALL comes off with one bite successfully ruining the wholeness of the piece and SLAPPING you in the face. It burns you. You struggle to place the hot cheese back on its crusty foundation, but it will just never be the same.
2. When you’re in the mood for deep dish and somebody doesn’t say Lou Malnati’s. That is just an insult to any pizza anywhere. Know your pizza people.
3. When you are eyeballing the most exquisite piece and another greasy hand takes your golden-crusted treasure. Cue sigh, eye roll, tempter tantrum, minor heart attack.
4. When you are on an entirely new level of hungry waiting for this thing to show up already. The box finally flips open after shoving the delivery person out the door, angels start singing, and you just can’t wait another second. The first piece enters your mouth so fast that you completely lack to consider the temperature it might be. Before you even get the chance to feel happiness over hunger, your tongue is burned for three days and you think to yourself, “I’ll wait until it cools off next time.”
5. When you don’t wait until it cools off next time.
6. When you eat the entire pizza by yourself. This one is up to interpretation (both seen as a dream and a detrimental nightmare).
7. When you ask for it to be in squares and they deliver it in triangles (or vice versa). The geometrical shape of the slices is a full indicator of how the pizza was meant to be consumed, as well as an artistic representation of the beauty of the meal. To mess this up is simply catastrophic.
8. When you purchase the pizza and your prying roommate somehow sneaks a piece. No, roommate, just because there is extra does not mean you are allowed to take the remains like a vulture. Maybe I want it out of the cold fridge tomorrow? Everyone knows that cold leftover pizza is the best breakfast????
9. When your favorite topping is compromised by someone asking for “half” of another. There is no such thing. Your pizza is either committed to its topping or it is an unfaithful mistress that tries to get away with both sausage and pepperoni, and nobody trusts that pie.
So, there you have it pizza fans. The worst nightmares and unfortunate realities of eating the most classic meal of our college days. Hopefully pizza will be a meal we enjoy for a lifetime and I encourage you to educate our counterparts about these horrifying situations that can ruin your pizza experience. Together we can make a change. One pizza, one love.