If you’re anything like myself, and almost every anxious girl, you’ve sent a text to your bestie asking for help many times. It usually goes along the lines of, “what do I say? What should I do? Can you help me word this?” While there is nothing wrong with relying on your friends for help, in fact, it is an important part of true friendship, it might be time to work on your individual ability to set boundaries.
Boundaries are your personal guidelines of how you want people to treat you and how you do not want them to treat you. This could be expressing what you are comfortable with, and what lines cross those boundaries.
I don’t think I had strong boundaries set in place growing up, but it was never an issue until college. At this age, we are learning so much about ourselves and what kind of person we want to become. Oftentimes there are elements in your life holding you back from your great potential, and one way to work through that is to set strong boundaries.
People pleasers are a group that often struggle with boundaries. Saying ‘no’ to others is one of the hardest things to do, especially if you praise yourself for your kindness. You need to remember that it’s perfectly fine to politely turn someone down, you do not owe people all your time and energy. In order to grow into the person you want to become, you will need to use that energy on yourself.
‘No’ is a boundary-loving word. ‘No’ stands up for you, it keeps distractions away and focuses on what’s important. You have already made plans – with yourself. In the same way you would feel bad flaking on your friend, you should not want to abandon your boundaries.
Example: Your chatty friend runs into you and starts telling you all about her weekend. A simple “sorry but I’m working on something right now, can we catch up later?” will help set the boundary that you are busy.
Boundaries can also be the way you let other people speak to you. Oftentimes friends can make jokes they don’t realize are hurtful. Someone may have an ongoing joke about your insecurities. If this makes you feel bad about yourself, or makes you cry after a long day, then you need to show up for yourself and say something. Affirmations are not just a trend, they really do work. However, it can be difficult to tell yourself positive things in the mirror if your social circles don’t make you feel so great. Maybe your friend belittles you for always going to class and thinks you should skip some. But you made an oath to yourself already, don’t forget. Besides, you deserve friendships that help you feel confident and encourage your growth.
It is also important to set boundaries within yourself. After all, you are an adult and capable of making your own decisions. You have the power to choose what is good for you and avoid what is harmful. This is important in building self-discipline. FOMO (fear of missing out) is hard to deal with, especially in college. But this is what takes you from who you are right now to who you wish to become. If you want to be an early bird who starts the day off with a workout at 6 a.m. daily, then you will need to miss out on late-night hangouts. Just remind yourself which choice you truly want and how proud you will feel after.
Boundaries are not ‘walls’ or ‘tough skin,’ in fact, my boundaries have helped me honor my sensitive and soft life. Being clear about your boundaries will help relieve stress because you will no longer accept what is not benefiting you.
Some of my tips for setting boundaries are:
- Understand your priorities; figure out what is important to you
- Communicate clearly: “Please don’t …, it doesn’t make me feel good”
- Understand it will be awkward and uncomfortable; sometimes you may feel guilty for creating a boundary but remember that it is serving a purpose
- Boundaries can be flexible; our emotions constantly change, and so do our needs. It is okay if your boundaries change. Example: “I used to be okay with …, but I actually don’t want to do that anymore”
Growing up is a rollercoaster so don’t be too hard on yourself. Start with small changes and work towards where you want to be. Looking back, I am happy to say I no longer people-please as much as I used to, and definitely have dedicated more of my life to things I enjoy and that benefit me.