Hi everyone, meet my generic made up family that you will all have the blessing of meeting this Thanksgiving….or you already have. Here is what we are really thinking of family members throughout the holiday season. These are the Krawns.
Ted Krawn
Oh Uncle Ted, he’s that guy at every family party that everyone just has around. He’s the weird brother that somehow every adult’s always always picked on. Uncle Ted put down the beer, give away that weird hat you’re always wearing, and allow your favorite niece a hug. But please, for the love of all that is good in this world, hold the joke about how my body has grown up over night. It makes me feel uncomfortable whenever we you say that while we hug.
Maureen Krawn
This woman is as sweet as she looks. Auntie Maureen, thanks for always asking about me and my life, but I’m sorry there is nothing exciting in my life so far. There are no boys, I haven’t secured a job through my internship yet and, again, I’m sure as a matter of fact that there are no boys. Trust me, you and me both wish I had some sausage to go with this turkey at Thanksgiving dinner.
Cousin Jack
Alright Jack we get it. You’ve outgrown your younger fat years and have become a hot, good-looking guy. College is treating you SO well and you’re the FRAT Star of Kappa Delta Douche. Let me tell you one thing Jack, I still remember that one time on Easter when we were both playing in the back yard and you tripped face first into a pile of dog sh*#. Don’t think I’ll ever forget. #poopyfaceliveson
Grannie Krawn
Thanks for being the best grandma in the world. You’re the ultimate rock star because you gave birth to my mom, who then had me. That’s a great accomplishment within itself. How you’re 84 and still trucking it amazes me everyday. I have to say thanks for all the years of countless kisses, hugs, and historical references to people and things I don’t care about. You somehow always seem to give the best ones, but in all reality, Grannie, there’s nothing wrong with my generation and I’m sick of hearing about how “brain washed” I am. Your generation wasn’t so great either, I think we’d have enough sense to know McCarthy was a liar. Then again, somehow we chose Trump. Thanks again, for the birthday card two months ago.
Grandpa Krawn
Grandpa you are the coolest, yet most serious dude I think I’ll ever know. Something tells me you have either seen a lot in life, and by a lot I mean A LOT, or you’re just done with all the stupid chaos that is our family. Nonetheless, I feel the love man. Grandpa, thanks for always supplying the cash secretly so Mom never found out. That’s always a real solid man. You can continue to drink your beers.
Janet Krawn
You’re probably the worlds best sister, but it’s just so hard having to live up to you. Thanks for all the alc in school and supplying when I needed it the most. That’s real love man. You’re always there and I can count on you, but jeez, how many more kids are you going to pop out before you’re 35? Slow down man it’s not like you’re trying build an army or secret Janet-only-knows-squad right? Should I be worried? Tell Paul to get a vasectomy.
Paul Jones
Janet’s husband who’s knocked her up a few times already. Get a vasectomy. You guys have income source from a combined theater teacher and musician’s salary. It doesn’t take a genius to figure this one out.
Baby Sophie Jones and other babies
Alright, your Auntie loves you all. You’re all pretty cute, I guess.
Dad
I’ll always be your favorite little girl! I’m pretty sure I get my laugh from you and my incessant need to talk politics. Why is it such a family thing for everyone to get together and talk politics and the government? I don’t know why it’s a thing, but man it sure is a thing. Something tells me this year is going to get a little nutty, unlike any other elections. I wonder why? Just kidding, we all know why. Dad please this year try not to fall asleep before 10:00 p.m. You’re only 50 and the second it hits 10 we all might as well say sayonara to you. If you can make it to 10:05, that’ll be one for the books.
Mom
Did I ever tell you that I think I’m basically you reincarnated? It’s crazy, but somehow I’ve grown to become your mini me and its freaking me out. It’s the little things, you know? Like how I pour my cereal and milk or when I make peanut butter and jelly. I do it just like you. Also I have a confession to make…It wasn’t Lucy (our dog) that broke your favorite figurine of the little pilgrim boy with a slightly pale painted face, it was me when I threw my backpack to the ground when I came home. It happened so sudden. There was nothing I could do, but pick up what was left of Mr. Willies and blame it on Lucy.
There you have it. The Krawns might as well be everyone’s family in some way, shape or form. The good news is you get to reunite with all of these loved ones in just a short weeks time. Hip, hip, hooray!