I used to be a huge giver.Â
Not necessarily a giver of tangible gifts, but a giver of the intangible one: being the supporter of everyone, being the listening ear, the one giving the advice, the one giving the love, even when I didn’t have the support from someone else. While I was giving a lot to everyone, it never felt like I gave too much, until now when I’m finally seeing the results of being a giver. But I have also found a way to return the grace back to myself, so that I can return back to a state of balance between selflessness and selfishness.
1. develop boundaries
Boundaries are something that everyone struggles with. But the truth is that to give more than needed and to love more than needed means that you are giving and loving without any boundaries. There is a such thing as giving too much (too much love, too much advice, too much support) but only if you lack boundaries.
I always have to remind myself that I am capable of being a great friend, a great partner or a great daughter to someone and/or by showing my unwavering support for them without feeling like I have to go to the extreme of overexterting myself.
What I do differently now is I simply show up when a person needs support without me assuming what they need. The key is to stop giving people what you would want from someone else and instead, just be direct and ask people what they need from you when they need it. If what they need isn’t able to be communicated, tread lightly and use discernment.
But the truth is that to give more than needed and to love more than needed means that you are giving and loving without boundaries.
2. understand that things are what they are
There are times that we wish we could go back into the past and change either what we did in a situation or the outcome of it.
Unfortunately, we can’t.
Sometimes we wish that we could change people’s behavior.
Unfortunately, we can’t.
Many times we may wonder about why someone did something to us.
But the truth is that we might not ever recieve an answer.
So, what can we do?
We can accept things for how they are and make better decisions in the future, if a similar situation arises. The only person we can change is ourselves and so, when I learned how to develop boundaries, I decided to maintain the equilibrium of my orbit by programming my mind to not wonder how things could’ve been instead of what they really are. This has helped me be able to see things clearer and to see the situations for what they are.
3. understand that people are not you
I used to excuse behaviors from people because I knew their background and traumas they’ve dealt with.
Looking back, I never expected anything that I could not give to someone else, but the problem with this mindset was that I drastically underestimated how different people were from me and even if we were similar, it didn’t mean that our intentions were the same. These days, I don’t expect anything from anyone and I always make sure to protect myself first.
