2023 was the year of a lot of firsts for me. It was my first year at college, my first time living outside of my home country and the start of my first romantic relationship.
I started dating a guy that I met two weeks into college. Yet sadly, our relationship didn’t have a fairytale ending. It’s 2025 and it’s my first time going through a breakup.
To no one’s surprise, this has obviously not been easy for me. But, it gave me the space to realize that I had put so much time and effort into him and our relationship that I’d forgotten who I was. I got used to loving him, and when things started to crumble, it was hard to redirect all that love back to myself.
As much as I hate not being perfectly okay with it, I knew my reaction was logical. After all, I – and many other women – were raised with the ideology that my value depends on how I’m perceived and that if I wasn’t desirable to men, I held no value. My role in society was to be a wife and a mother. Now, I’ve always been a proud feminist and while I know this to be true, it still is hard to feel it.
So, after a few nights of eating too many sweets and watching many, many rom-coms, I’ve decided that I deserve to be loved. And, to truly have a healthy love, I have to start by loving myself. Inspired by Andie Anderson (How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days), I worked on a 10-step list of how to find love again. Whether you just went through a breakup, are in a relationship, or simply have been struggling with self-love, here are some of the things I’ve found to combat the patriarchy’s narrative that drives women into feeling like they can’t love themselves.
Step 1.
One of the things my relationship showed me was that I’m capable of loving. In our hyper-independent society, this can be seen as a weakness, yet to me, it’s one of my greatest strengths. Ironically, even though I can love others a lot, I rarely give myself the same grace. I give credit for this step to one of my best friends who, after I started talking to a guy who I made out to be the perfect man, told me that I shouldn’t settle for anything less than what I want and so I visited my journal that night with a goal: map out my perfect partner. (You might be wondering what this has to do with self-love, but I promise I will get there!)
Allow yourself to be as out of this world and idealistic with this list, write down everything you want in someone you wish to spend your life with. Yes, you can even write down “owns a Saint Bernard,” which sounds silly but honestly is very important to me.
The reality is you won’t ever find this person (though I will always hold out hope for all of us) but as you write down the attributes, the most important part is to remind yourself that you deserve this love. Everything that you want, you deserve.
As women, we are taught that being feminine is to be a nurturing, motherly figure in others’ lives. We give so much to our friends, families and partners and while that’s valuable in its own way, it can also lead to contempt and sacrifice. We start to compromise and maintain the peace, we lose ourselves because we think that’s what we need to do to give others the best we can. Then, it’s hard to feel like we deserve the same energy back; we forget about what we wished for, and we accommodate others. By building a base of self-worth and acknowledging that we deserve everything because we’re all worthy of unconditional love, it’s easier to give ourselves that (and find it in our relationships too!).
Step 2.
It’s not all about receiving though. If we ask for everything we want, it’s important to work towards the best versions of ourselves. If you’re anything like me, you’re probably good at romanticizing life and men. So, instead of spending hours thinking about how perfect that person you went on a single date with is, make another list. This time, list all the attributes you want to have in a relationship or just as a person.
Think of what you would want your perfect partner to look for in a relationship. This can be generosity, intelligence, kindness, a sense of adventure, or even someone with financial literacy skills! It was very easy for me to settle for less than what I wanted because I’d forgotten everything that I brought to the table, and all the goals for me had turned into goals for us.
Step 3.
By now, I’m almost certain that you’ve done step three without noticing. Using the two lists you’ve made, list all the goals and attributes you’re looking for in a partner (based on your needs and preferences), and then circle the ones you already possess. For example, as a partner I like thoughtfulness and that’s not only something I want to receive but I also want to give back. While I don’t have a partner to be thoughtful about right now, I know that it’s something I already practice in all my relationships naturally.
This will help you reflect on your positive qualities and appreciate them more. With social media, younger generations depend a lot on external validation, and yeah, it’s nice to hear from others how great of a person you are. But the reality is that you don’t need others to tell you that to remain a great person. By being conscious of the habits we usually take for granted, it’s easier to let go of people who don’t meet our expectations and hurt us. You will start to value yourself more and look at how much energy you deserve back that you’re giving others!
Step 4.
Think about how you feel when you receive that message saying “This reminded me of you” or when someone gets you your favorite treat without a special occasion. My dad, a girl dad of three, set a very high standard in this regard. I was privileged to have a dad who would take me for ice cream, boba, or candy whenever I wanted and I expect no less of whoever I choose to spend my life with. Now that I’m living alone for the first time, I realize how big of a space little details hold in my life and that while my dad can’t be around to drive me to the store when I have a craving, that doesn’t mean I have to stop being spoiled! If you want others to treat you like a princess, you must set the standard. Get your favorite treat, buy flowers for your dorm, take yourself out on a movie date, or even cook your favorite meal! Everything you would do for your loved ones, you deserve as well and it doesn’t make it any less meaningful to do it for yourself. To be loved the right way, you need to make yourself familiar with that feeling.
Step 5.
As an extrovert, I feel best when I’m hanging out with others but it can also make me feel very insecure and exposed to be perceived. This step wasn’t intentional but it’s instrumental to loving yourself and is the only step that depends a little on those around you. Find a club to join, but not something that’s just for fun or something new you’ve been wanting to try. Think of a value you really appreciate in yourself and that you want to make a pillar in your life and try to find a club that encourages this value or attribute to find like-minded people.
For example, if you’re very determined and competitive maybe a sports club can help you find other people who value this! Maybe you have religious values, and attending bible study can nurture that part of you. Personally, I value empathy and deep conversation, so I joined a leftist study club. While it sounds very political, I found people with similar interests and mindsets as me. Having a place to unpack your thoughts, to spend time with other people who are like-minded but force you into working on yourself and also acknowledge that work because they are equally interested in that shared goal, can bring a lot of positivity to your life (and maybe find a partner with a similar mindset)!
Step 6.
As embarrassing as it’s to admit, when we get into a relationship a lot of our time is spent with our partners — this causes us to neglect our friends and ourselves. Especially if you date someone who has different interests than you do, or if like me you hate being alone and love being with people. I have always struggled to develop hobbies, so I gravitate to being around others because if I’m not, I end up doomscrolling for hours! But, the reality is that I like it when the person I’m talking to has hobbies. Seeing someone enjoy life and be passionate is attractive, so I need to do that for myself too. It can be the smallest thing like going to the gym, crocheting, becoming a DJ, or reading that book you bought months ago but never actually started! Every morning after waking up, pick one activity and set aside 10 minutes that day to get it done. It’ll be hard at first but once you build a habit, it will be so rewarding.
Step 7.
For this step, I will focus on a word that I personally hate but is very important to mental health in the 21st century: Mindfulness. It’s hard to slow down when so many possibilities are within arm’s reach. I’m guilty of spending hours and hours scrolling through Hinge and TikTok which rarely does me any good. The bright side is there are many ways to practice this so you can pick whichever fits best for you or even try them all out! Journaling is a great way to connect with yourself and work out your emotions, whether scribbling away about your day or a more artistic endeavor such as a junk journal. For those who are more spiritual, praying or using mindful audios can be helpful to slow down and enjoy the process. My personal favorite is zentangle, a drawing technique of filling up a page with shapes. Slow down and appreciate life, because as Ferris Buller said, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”
Step 8.
Ironically, the next two tips I got from TikTok (maybe doomscrolling isn’t so bad! –– please, enable my delulu) have really changed my day-to-day life. I stumbled across a video on my FYP talking about a different TikTok about a girl who woke up every day and told herself that today would be the best day of her life. While it might seem crazy and unrealistically optimistic to live like this, it allows you to go about your day looking for the positive aspects of life rather than focus on what went wrong. It’s a great way to trick yourself into practicing gratitude.
Step 9.
This one I learned from Alea O’Shea on TikTok who has a series called “Glow Up Breakdown” giving some tips she’s learned from self-help media. In this video she talks about Rick Hanson’s episode on the Modern Wisdom podcast, where he goes into “The Science Of Rewiring Your Brain to be Less Miserable.” Our brains are prone to negativity to improve self-preservation from our ancestors, yet today we’ve kept that bias but don’t really need it when texting our friends or giving a presentation in class. Hanson proposes the acronym H.E.A.L. to help us reframe our thoughts and train our brains into a more positive mindset. Here is the breakdown: Have an experience and make an effort to appreciate the good moments even if it’s something as simple as having a nice meal! Enrich that moment, focus on experiencing that positive emotion, and don’t rush past it. Absorb the feeling, and notice how that emotion manifests in your body, do you feel it in your chest? In your back? Finally, link that experience to a negative thought or belief that you have. O’Shea gives a great example of this. Imagine you’ve just finished a big assignment, before moving onto the next thing, sit down with yourself and allow yourself to take in the achievement. Feel proud of your work and remember a time when you felt like you were too lazy or doubted yourself. By mentally holding those two things at the same time, the negative experience will be softened.
Step 10.
This last one is less of a step and more of an affirmation. I’ve done a lot of therapy which I acknowledge is a great privilege, so allow me to share some of it with you. As I unpacked my breakup with a multitude of counselors, therapists and social workers, they slowly helped me realize that despite the relationship ending, I shouldn’t punish myself for not receiving the love I expected and gave at the end.
After all, people can’t give what they don’t have or have never experienced. I’ve been lucky enough to be loved a lot and be capable of spreading that to others in my life. This ability can go unnoticed but it is important to acknowledge. Use that love for yourself and others, yes loving a lot might mean hurting a lot but isn’t it beautiful that we’re giving back what we’ve been lucky enough to receive from others? And if we, as our worst critics, still have received that unconditional love, who’s to say we don’t deserve it just as much as our favorite person does?