How to Survive the Holidays – A humorous guide for HC IC collegiettes

 The holiday season is quickly approaching and it’s time to get in the spirit! This time of year is for gift giving, traditions with family and friends, and asinine conversations about the evils of the phrase “Happy Holidays.”  With classes, exams and other responsibilities weighing on us, holiday cheer is much harder to achieve now than when we were all tots. Here are some tips on how to celebrate in college, for those of you too stupid to figure it out yourselves.
 
-Put a holiday twist on your regular drinking.
The best and easiest way to spread some holiday cheer is to make a few changes to things you already do. So this Saturday night (or Tuesday night, I’m not judging), don’t just binge drink–holiday binge drink! Take a break from cheep beer and splurge on some Peppermint Schnapps. Or, if you really are that cheap, just throw a candy cane in that PBR.
 
-Mistletoe is a great way to show that special someone you have no concept of boundaries.
Everyone loves that old Christmas tradition of forcing yourself upon another person sexually for no real reason. Don’t let it end! If you find yourself at a holiday party make sure there is mistletoe.  If there is not, tack your travel mistletoe in a doorway (try a high traffic door, like the front one). Then when that lucky someone you’ve been eyeing all night steps under the mistletoe, pounce! If they are turned off by your forwardness simply remind them that it’s the rules of Christmas.
 
-Share your holiday joy, not your gelt*
One could argue that in the predominantly Christian nation we live in, people can be intolerant of other winter holidays, like Hanukkah. But on the bright side, you can be sure no one is going to call you out on the rules of dreidel! So if you are one of God’s chosen people don’t be afraid to choose yourself as the winner every round. “Nun I win, Shin you lose!”Now put that in your stocking and smoke it.
 
*The chocolate coins you gamble with in the game of dreidel, for all you silly Gentiles.
 
 
-This ain’t your grandma’s holiday party.
We all remember holidays at our grandma’s house; waiting to open presents, texting your friends about New Year’s Eve plans and trying to figure out how that guy who has spent the last 20 minutes talking to you about immigrants is part of the family. Remix boring winter gatherings by throwing a bangin’holiday rager! How can you throw down properly this season? One word: DUBSTEP. Kick “Jingle Bell Rock”and “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”to the curb and blast some new music. Try Steve Aoki’s new holiday album “Wreck the Halls,” with tracks like “All I want for Christmas is some E,” “Here Comes the Drop,”and “Do you hear what I BWOM BOOM BWOM BWOM!”  The beats are so crazy it’s guaranteed that Frosty will melt, ornaments will shatter, and (full disclosure) you’ll probably get written up. 
-Secret Santa is a fun and easy way to exclude people.
Buying gifts can be the most rewarding thing about the holiday season, but it can also be the most stressful. The traditions of “secret Santa”or “white elephant”allow you to not only reduce the amount of presents you have to buy, but also lock down who is really a part of your social group. The simple act of picking names out of a hat will let everyone in your life know whether you consider them a friend or an acquaintance. Friends are rewarded with gifts! Acquaintances are rewarded with the embarrassing process of trying to return that discounted sweater they bought for you expecting a gift in return.
 
-Finally, remember, just because some of your friends aren’t religious doesn’t mean they don’t deserve a gift. The word of God would be a great gift.