My friend walks into my dorm room, plops down on the couch, and sighs. “Ugh, I’ve just hit twelve. Twelve! I’ve slept with TWELVE people,” she says. The rate at which I hear similar exclamations from my girlfriends is astounding. However, when asked about their “number”, my guy friends simply shrug it off and guess how many they’ve been with. Why is it that we have such a double standard set up for women and men? When it gets down to it, it’s dangerous–double standards not only alienate but also suppress women into thinking they cannot be themselves.
When it comes to names, the ones women are used to being called can make a list a mile long. If you, the reader, are someone who has been around for more than ten years there is a high probability that you have heard at least a couple of those words used either against you or against a friend or loved one. Ask yourself this: have you ever heard a man being called a derogatory term when referring to his sexual prowess?
If you answered “No”, you would be among the many to notice this. Men aren’t penalized in society as much as women are for their sexual promiscuity. Women, on the other hand, seem to garner much ridicule simply for what they wear on occasion!
Jane*, an IUP Collegiette, says, “I have only slept with four people in my entire sexual history, and when I tell people that I still receive weird looks.” She says her frustrations lie in it being unfair that men seem to be encouraged to go around and accumulate partners, whereas women “aren’t even taught to think about having sex.”
When asked if she thought this type of sexual double standard was a predominantly Western thing, Jane replied: “Well, you do see advertisements where women are very sexualized. Women are expected to exude a certain type of sexuality, but if they are too oversexed they are often looked down upon. Guys, on the other hand, can have their pants falling off and it’s perfectly acceptable.”
Sarah*, another IUP student, says about her number, “I know who I can and cannot tell because I know who would judge me.” Sarah works in a predominantly male work environment, and she is subject to the conversations of idling men in the lounge on a daily basis.
“It’s annoying, most definitely,” she says, “[the number of partners a person has had] is not something that you ask a woman about. There’s always that joke about if you ask a woman how many people she’s slept with, she will always give you five less than her actual number. That’s so stupid.”
John*, an IUP male student, actually surprised me with his answer about the double standard. He states that he believes it’s “silly” that women are called sluts and men are called studs for the number of people they sleep with. He is also quick to point out that there is a definite difference in the way that women are perceived if they haven’t slept with anyone, versus a man who is a virgin. Women are held in almost high regard if they are virgins, and men are seen as losers.
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Bill*, another IUP male student, recites to me the overused joke:
“A girl and a guy were arguing. The girl was saying how it was unfair that if a guy has sexual intercourse with a different girl every week, he was considered a legend, but if a girl sleeps with a different person a year she is considered a slut. In response, the guy told her that if a key opens a lot of locks, then it’s a master key. If a lock is opened by a lot of keys, then it’s a crappy lock. That silenced her.”
When asked what number is the maximum number he would consider okay to have a potential partner have in their sexual history, he says, “I think five to eight is okay with me if I were to really want to date a girl. But, even then, that’s pushing it.” When asked if he knew that most women have more than ten people that they’ve slept with, and what his number was, he states, “If they do have more than that, then they were brought up wrong. I think I’ve slept with about fifteen girls so far, but they were all girls I was in a relationship with.” Nothing against Bill, but he epitomizes the issue women face with this double standard.
Oh, and let’s not forget the lovely retorts women receive when we show that we have an opinion!
When we promptly tell the ridiculer to shove their thoughts where the sun doesn’t shine, we are often met with insinuations that we may be of differing sexuality and/or a female dog. I remember I had a lovely young man ask for my number while walking to class, and when I told him I didn’t want to give him my digits he proceeded to make accusations about how my roommate and I slept in the same bed together on occasion. Not that same-sex romps are bad, but that’s immediately where his thinking went when he got rejected. See how silly that is?
I consider myself to be open about my sexual exploits, although my reasons are more political than apathetic. When my friends drag it out of me (I was raised a particular way so they literally have to dragit out), I tell them my stories about what hell I’ve been through with my sexual partners, and often with animation and gusto. As Sarah points out, even this is slightly unusual.
She says, “With women, we don’t talk about it. Society thinks you’re ruined if you do, yet expects men to behave the way they do.” She finds it surprising that other women can talk about it so openly, finding out that they have slept with so many people and the guilt they hold really fascinates her. In my firm opinion, the way Sarah feels is often the way that most women feel, and it’s dangerous.
The sexual double standard is a dangerous one: it perpetuates slut-shaming, which is when women are made to feel bad about acting or dressing a certain way; and it praises male promiscuity—which is sometimes the number one reason STD’s are passed around. It will take a long while to see if this double standard will die out or go away completely, but I certainly hope it does.
*Names have been changed per interviewee’s request.
Sources: Jane*, personal interview; Sarah*, personal interview; John*, personal interview; Bill*, personal interview
photos courtesy of:
shebytes.com
psychologytoday.com