In the last few months, I’ve noticed a very aggravating and ridiculous form of ghosting; I’ve started referring to it as “passionate ghosting.” If it has another name, I don’t know, but maybe this will sound familiar to you. Imagine a romantic interest comes into your life, they express how interested they are, they compliment you, they flirt with you… but they don’t make plans to see you. In fact, it’s hard to make plans at all. Maybe you see them for a date or two, but even though they seem crazy about you, something feels off. Eventually, they just ghost. For a while, I thought this seemed like “love bombing,” I mean, the beginning of this process definitely did. Soon enough, though, it felt a little less like love bombing, and more like a game: a bizarre, confusing, waste of energy game.
Shockingly, I once thought this was so odd and unique, but TikTok offers plenty of proof that this happens to other people as well. It’s great to know I’m not alone in this, but it’s frustrating to think about it. If you think you may have been a victim of passionate ghosting, I’ll tell you my story. I don’t think you’ll relate, but maybe you’ll laugh a little. It’s a wild ride.
Once upon a time, I had given up on dating apps (and, of course, redownloaded them for the n-teenth time). I kept Hinge for a while—the reason for this might be explained in another article—but basically, I decided I would see my last guy from an app, and after him I would be done with the apps. Yay, growth. So, this particular guy (Virgo), expresses how excited he is to see me… then cancels. His mom is very sick and receiving cancer treatment. I completely understand, I tell him. My mom had cancer when I was little, I totally get it, let’s reschedule. So we do. We eventually meet up, and he leaves a bit early because his mom is in the hospital and needs him. Okay, valid.
For a couple of months, I barely hear from Virgo, but every time, he says he really likes me and that he wants to make me his girlfriend. He’s going through a lot, of course, so I don’t message him often. Oh, he promises to come visit for my birthday? He flakes. Virgo doesn’t show up, and blames it on miscommunication.
Okay. A month goes by, and he’s excited to see me for the holidays. Yet again, he flakes on our plans twice. He isn’t available, after saying he would be, and then suddenly, he’s injured at work. Virgo fell off a ladder and damaged his ankle. Weeks go by, and when I’m in town again, he keeps saying he misses me. Finally, we set a real date, he wants to take me to a nice dinner in the city. The day of the date, he doesn’t message me until two hours after our date time. As I’m on my way to his house, he doesn’t answer. Now it’s so late, that any dining places are closed. We go to a bar, and surprisingly… there actually is a connection: I’m talking sparks. So when I leave, we plan to meet up the next day. Yet again, he sounds so excited to see me.
The following night comes, and… you guessed it, he doesn’t answer. He blamed it on falling asleep. The following day, he promised to make it up to me, “Dani, I really like you, and I’m so serious about you,” he claimed. When the day came, he said he was visiting his parents—mom is now out of the hospital from treatment—but, even though we had a date, I do not hear from him all day. At midnight, he calls with the story that his mom collapsed, and he’ll be in the hospital all night. Oh no, that’s terrible. Can I meet him there tomorrow? He really wants to see me, and needs me right now. Okay, which hospital? I ask, but he doesn’t answer… for 12 hours.
Maybe I should give up on this one, I say to myself. Roughly a week later, Virgo says he really misses me, and wants to see me this upcoming weekend. I tell him I have plans, but he insists. A day later, he still hasn’t told me which day, so I ask. When are we meeting up? He says Sunday. Why not friday, I ask? Virgo says, “I can’t, I have a funeral.” Oh wow, I’m sorry, I tell him. He goes on to tell me that his friend was *unalived* so he’s spending the day with that family. That’s enough for me. It’s clear he shouldn’t be concerned about seeing me when he has this much trauma going on. Please don’t worry about me, I tell him, “please focus on yourself right now. You have a lot going on, and I don’t think it’s smart to be pursuing a relationship with me at this point. I’m sorry for your loss.” He does not like that answer, and gets annoyed with me, for suggesting that we should stop talking.
Something else I might have forgotten to mention, is that each time I texted him that I was “on my way” or “what time are we meeting up?” or anything of the like… my messages wouldn’t say that they had been delivered. The blue message bubbles just kind of sat there. If hours went by, and I decided to call, the call would immediately go to voicemail. Whenever he decided to respond, though, the messages would then be marked as delivered. Why was this happening? This never happened before.
After backing away from this situation, my friends were quick to tell me that it sounded like a bunch of lies. After all, how could that many bad events happen so close together? And always around the time we were supposed to meet? It just seemed like a lot to believe. I try not to assume the worst about people, but these friends had a point. I was told that I should block Virgo. But what if he was telling the truth? Maybe he really is going through a lot. I won’t block him, I’ll just leave the situation alone.
A month later, Valentine’s day came and went. I am done dating, and Virgo was honestly the last guy I dealt with, so I don’t have the energy for any more games. One day he popped in my mind, and I decided to check up on him. He called me, and we talked for an hour. Virgo apologized for making me wait around so much. He said I didn’t deserve that (correct). He joked that he thought I must have blocked him after everything (I should have). He said he was healing, that he wanted another chance with me. We make plans for the weekend. The night he was supposed to come visit, he messaged me every hour. He updated me on every job he finished, and how much closer he was to seeing me, but then… he stopped answering. After three hours of nothing, I told him I was going to sleep, but I sent him a final message. I decided it was time to tell him off in a voice message, telling him that I let him waste my time for too long, and now I’m done. I said a lot to him, and it felt very therapeutic. Lastly, I said “you wondered why I didn’t block you before. I don’t know, I tried to give you a chance, but I was wrong for that. I’m blocking you now. You’ll never have to hear from me again.” The following afternoon, Virgo responds with a single message. He says… “I’m in the hospital, I broke three ribs and I got a concussion. Take care of yourself.” Bye, Virgo.
Looking back, it seems ridiculous that I kept giving him chances to show up. All along, I knew that wasn’t the right choice, but I kept holding out hope. Honestly, I always liked the routine of dating, and with my busy schedule, it’s nearly impossible to make time for it. To have one guy, repeatedly expressing interest in me felt kind of nice… even if it didn’t go anywhere. Part of me felt nice to be wanted, another part of me felt annoyed that he always had something going on. My intuition kept telling me that he wasn’t the right guy to give energy to, but every time we were finally able to meet up, something felt right.
Even though this story sounds entirely bizarre, and you might not relate to the details, maybe you know the feeling. At some point, I think everyone makes a choice that goes against their intuition. I hope that never happens to you, but more than anything, I hope what you take away from this story is this: when you feel a vibe, listen! Everything happens for a reason, and ghosting doesn’t always have to be a bad thing, sometimes you’ll feel relieved they ghosted, and sometimes it can feel great to cut somebody off. When the universe is trying to tell you something, I hope that you’ll listen; and when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.