The Lonely Valentine’s Guide to Intimacy

Here it comes, February 14th. The worst day known to Earth and all who inhabit it. A day deliberately set in the calendar year to romanticize and celebrate our completely primal instinct to mate. Whether you are aware of it or not love is one of our biggest drives. As mammals, the desire for love and companionship influences most of our actions and decisions. All humanoids are forced to want to reproduce, it’s what our brains tell us every second of every day, sex sex sex. Sometimes it’s all we can think about. Whether we attach the word sex to the situation or not, we all have the desire for an intimate relationship; it is literally in our DNA. So what happens when we aren’t fulfilling our literal primal need to be close to someone? Loneliness happens, that terrible, terrible black void that sits at the forefront of our brains. The black hole that sucks the life out of all of your alone time because you aren’t sharing it with someone else. So how do we combat this feeling? Can this void be filled? Even on a day like Valentine’s Day?

The answer is yes! There are ways to fulfill your need for intimacy even if you do not have a significant other. Romantic relationships are not the only solution to filling this need for connecting to people in a deep, sentimental way. Intimacy can come from deep connections and bonds with the people you are already surrounded by. Take it from me, an introverted English major who spends her free time reading Twilight fan fiction. Trust me, I have had to make peace with my loneliness many times, and here’s how I did it:

Openly talk about your deep thoughts 

Being vulnerable and talking about your deepest thoughts and biggest realizations isn’t always easy. Some people have the natural ability to open up those parts of their mind to complete strangers (which is awesome). On the other hand, some of us find it very challenging to put ourselves out there. Which makes sense, it’s a scary feeling, and what if the other person doesn’t understand the deepest most treasured parts of your mind…but what if they do? Taking the risk and being vulnerable, is ALWAYS worth it. Putting yourself out there first and initiating a vulnerable conversation can create a magic moment that small talk cannot even scratch the surface of. When you let down your guard first, you are inviting others to step into your realm of thoughts and encourage them to share theirs. Being open and vulnerable creates a safe environment for fruitful conversations and connections to thrive.  You are letting people know that you have deeper levels to your personality and you are willing to share them, and creating an outlet for others to share also. You have the power to bring people together right inside of you. All you have to do is offer it up to those around you and you will be surprised to find how many others are dying to offer up their powerful minds too.  

Get connected in communities you thrive in

What if you aren’t ready to be an outlet for others? Or what if you are already an outlet for others but you need a place to refill your fuel? One on one connections are great and absolutely magical for combating loneliness, but the magic also lives in groups of people who are willing to be vulnerable. Sometimes you get lucky and stumble upon the perfect group of kindred spirits who take you in and you become great friends. Sometimes you have to search for the right place to unload your thoughts. Being vulnerable and truthful in different environments will always help you find your place. Personally, I have found two solid community outlets in my time in college and they really do get me through the week. Theater is one of my great passions! I love the art aspect to it and performing but more than anything I love the people. The Theater is an already guaranteed safe spot because of the work that you do within the space. Without vulnerability and creativity, there would be no show. The people that congregate within these communities have an understanding of that. We all come in every week to do what we love together (Pro tip: Search for groups that value the same interests as you). Naturally, the Theater draws in people with similar and compatible personalities to me and being all together in such a safe environment creates sparks. The room is literally flooded with connections and lifted spirits, everyone feels a sense of belonging under these circumstances. 

 I have also established a relationship with a spiritual group on campus. It was a very personal and confusing journey finding where my spirituality lies, but I found a place where I could openly discuss and build my beliefs with people who share similar, as well as very different, thoughts than me. I feel completely safe within this community and never judged or scrutinized after sharing what’s on my heart. I feel an immense sense of belonging to not only the community but to something bigger. Exploring your faith and spirituality in a group setting can give you the ultimate superpower to defeat loneliness. Find a place where you feel comfortable, where you don’t feel like you have to conform to the thoughts around you. Spirituality is a confusing but beautiful thing if you can develop it in a way that compliments your own journey. My experience has been truly enchanting and I wish that sense of togetherness and fulfillment on everyone! Finding the right place can take effort and a lot of open minds, but it is immensely rewarding. I carry the bonds I have made within these communities with me every day and it lifts my spirits greatly.

Establish personal relationships with the friends you already have 

Maybe you already have friends, but not ones that you have really opened up to. Maybe the relationship is shaky and you don’t really know where you stand with this person. There is a very simple solution- use your words. Do not underestimate the power of telling people what they mean to you. Everyone communicates differently, but we were blessed with the ability to speak and understand each other’s words. There is no better place to utilize that gift than within your relationships. Tell your friends you love them and that you are grateful you can talk to them. You can even tell them that you feel like they are trustworthy and would potentially like to be vulnerable and open with them. Proclaiming these affirmations within your relationships will make it more natural for deeper connections to thrive. This would even be appropriate within your family relationships, letting each other know that you are willing to open yourselves up can create a totally freeing, connected, healthy home. Using your words to establish these personal relationships with people already in your life will make you feel deeper rooted and in touch with intimacy. You are fulfilling the part of you that begs for closeness and connection. 

• communication
• friendship
• intimacy
• introverts