Chapter 1: Rumor Has It
“Yeah, I heard she told him to leave. Apparently, Lily didn’t want him to see her deteriorate like that. I mean to be frank I wouldn’t want Bob to see me go like that either but that’s just so crazy,” Kim said to the barista in front of her but would have honestly said it to anyone who would’ve listened.
Kim is practically the neighborhood’s personal news reporter. One of her particularly favorite places to broadcast her report was the popular breakfast spot in Richmond’s town square, Café Papillon. To some, it was deemed “the best breakfast in Virginia.”
One woman from a couple seats away pipped up and said, “That’s so shit, Kim. Don’t say that! They’re just kids, it’s none of your business.” Kim was so used to being told off she just scoffed, roller her eyes, and went back to making her special mixture of stevia and oat milk for her coffee.
The “kids” in question were Lily and Nick. Lily was an adorable tan 5’1 brunette girl who loved three things: coffee, painting, and her mom. Nick on the other hand was a 6ft sturdy-looking guy who was passionate about sports but most importantly, Lily. They had been going out since they were kids, 16 and 17. Their love grew throughout high school, and they even followed each other to college. Lily went to University of Richmond for art and design and Nick went to UVA’s business program on a baseball scholarship. Lily’s time at university was cut short, however. At 20, her sophomore year, she was diagnosed with stage 1 lung cancer. By age 24 she was terminal. She was expected to celebrate her last birthday at 27. It had been hard on her and Nick. Nick was still in school trying to navigate his life between his competitive academic program and being on the baseball team. Meanwhile, Lily was shipped out to Marister Cancer Institute which was about a 45-minute drive from her hometown to be in a facility that was better equipped to manage her aggressive and rare form of cancer. Nick did his best to show up for her but during their visits she was oftentimes sleeping. They were both suffering, and Lily could see that.
Chapter 2: Letting Go
Lily
I just keep replaying that moment in my mind. His eyes were so shocked and sad. I can’t believe I actually went through with it. Oh god, here comes mom.
“Hey Lilybean. Oh, why do you look sad babe? I brough you Papillon.” she says to me walking through the hospital door.
Jeez, she reads me like a book but yum! I’m not able to enjoy a lot of things in this life but at least I can still have my white chocolate mocha from Papillon. I took a sip of my coffee and opened right up like a clam being steamed.
“Well…” I look at her. “I sort of broke up with Nick. I told him that I just couldn’t watch him spend his time here anymore.” She’s looking at me now in horror.
“What? Why Lily?” she says. She’s sitting down now gathering herself.
I’m staring at my coffee trying to answer but then I just start tearing up and eventually just start sobbing.
“Oh Bean, I’m sorry but I just wasn’t expecting you to make such a decision. I had no idea you were even considering it” she says.
I finally can get out the words, “He-he was suf-suffering too mom” between my gasps for comfort. She’s rubbing my back now but still looking really confused. “Mom, he was driving to me 3 times a we-week and doing his homework for 3 hou-hours while I basically lay there. Sometimes, I wouldn’t even be in the roo-room the whole time because Steve would take me for treatment.”
“Oh Lily” she says back to me.
“I’m dying. I’m dying either way so why should both of us suffer. He was so good to me mom and the last thing I want is for him to put his time and energy into me, just to watch me die” I said with some frustration but overall pain. I can barely breath as it is, so stress is not only an emotion but a physical response for me at this point.
**Knock Knock** I hear a slight two taps before Steve appears in my doorway. Steve’s timing is always impeccable. It’s like he can anticipate when I’m about to have an episode.
“Hey Lil, hey Jill. Lil your PO2 is low I just wanted to check in and see what’s up” he says.
“Oh, I’m fine” I say back in a huff. Out of all my nurses over the past 5 years Steve was my favorite but he never failed to put me in my place. Whether that was about my health or a rash decision, of which I am often making. Steve was the most rational being I’ve ever met. He was the only one to stand up to me when I thought it would be a good idea to adopt a hairless cat when I first was going through chemo. He said, “I’m all for supporting you through this process of hair loss Lily, but ew. No.” So, I have no doubt he’ll have an opinion about Nick too.
He’s checking my lines and taking vitals so I’m just going to rip off the band-aid. “I broke up with Nick” I say.
Steve’s eyes race around my face to try and read me. And “read me” he does. “Aw Lil, I’m sorry. What made you come to that decision?” he asks.
“Well, he was spending so much time driving and being here. I just thought it would be so tough for him especially with school. He’s a senior in college, he deserves to be able to go out and do fun things. He was watching me waste away and my ability is only going to get worse form here. I thought it was the best thing to do” I say to him.
“Okay Lily, you know I support you in all things, but I’m not sure I see your way in this one. He chose to be here during that time. I know you don’t want him to see you get worse, but we all are aware that that’s a part of your reality. Yet, we still all decide to be here for you every day or every couple days. But you took that decision away from him” He says.
“Damn” I think. Consider Steve’s rational hammer, dropped.
Steve sees the change in my face as I absorb what he says and adds, “But that’s just my opinion Lil, this is your world and I’m just living in it.”
“Not for long” I say back in twisted humor.
“You’re so bad” he rolls his eyes. “But seriously, I know what Nick meant to you so if you need me, I’m where I always am at the nurses station.” He turns to mom for confirmation and says, “See ya Jill, just page me.”
Mom nods in understanding. Honestly, after today I said bye to who I thought was the love of my life and I suppose will be the only love of my life seeing as though I don’t see myself getting into a relationship anytime soon. Sorry, my humor has progressively gotten darker and more twisted with every round of chemo. That being said, I will be spending the next few days painting a replica of the caterpillar portrait hanging next to my IV bag to keep my mind occupied.
Chapter 3:
The week Lily expected to spend on the caterpillar painting turned into 7 months. The time Steve came in to check her lower-than-usual blood oxygen level was actually evident of the beginning of a cold. Lily most likely simply caught the common cold, but that small cold turned into pneumonia because of her weakened state. Pneumonia absolutely wrecked Lily’s body, further than what the cancer had already done. She was put on a feeding tube and bedridden to keep her comfortable. Everyone, including Lily was preparing for her to go during this time. But she didn’t. On the day’s she felt well enough she’d sip her white chocolate mocha, chat with her mom, or paint. Her better days started to become more frequent and soon enough, Lily was just dying from cancer. An odd thought, to say the least. The miracles weren’t over for her yet. 2 months after her pneumonia recovery she got a call…
Chapter 4: The Call
Lily
BUZZ. BUZZ. BUZZ, BUZZ, BUZZ.
I look over at my phone and it’s Steve. A little odd for him to be calling at 11pm on a Saturday but I pick up.
“Hey Steve, what’s up?” I say to him.
“Lily! I’m on the way to the hospital. Wake up Jill, or call her, or do whatever you have to do to get her there ASAP. Okay?” he said practically in one breath.
“Oka-” I got halfway through replying when he hung up on me. What the hell. I’m so confused but I do what he says. I call mom and tell her to get to the hospital.
“Why, what’s happening? Are you Okay?” she says confused over the phone.
I reply, “I’m fine but Steve called, told me to relay that, and just hung up on me.”
“Okay whatever. I’m leaving now” she said it a huff.
It’s 11:30 and Steve pops his head in. “I’ll be back when she gets here” he says and hurries off. Mom’s commute from home is about 45 minutes but she has made it in about 35. It’s around 11:50pm now and we are waiting for Steve.
He walks in the room and is looking at me and then my mom and then back to me.
“STEVE, what is it?” mom asks.
“I just got a call from the Cancer Clinic of Charleston. A surgeon there reviewed your case and says you’re a candidate for a brand-new procedure that has just been approved by the Federation of Lung Science.” He stood there in utmost excitement. Mom is looking at me and Steve is looking at me. I don’t even know how to feel.
“Oh my god” I say. Mom says, “You’re lying! That’s incredible, tell us more.”
“Well, the procedure is practically a lung transplant. Instead of transplanting the whole lung they will be dissecting section of the vessel network which is where your cancer lies. It’s a new procedure but they’ve had great success in cases similar to yours. You’ll be on oxygen the rest of your life but by removing your gene targeted areas we can stop the reoccurrence of your cancer and your quality of life will improve to where you can most definitely leave the hospital.” he says with tears in his eyes.
Mom is in shock but then breaks. “Holy shit. Oh my god. Lily! My Lilybean!” she screams. Her and Steve are jumping up and down in front of my hospital bed. I know I should be happy for this opportunity at life but there is just a pit in my stomach.
“Congratulations, Lil” he said to me. I mustered up a smile. Steve continued, “I’ll let you and your mom talk but I’ll be back tomorrow to solidify things with the program if you decide to move forward. Good night!”
“Night Steve, thanks for the great news!” mom replied.
I’m sitting in my bed but I feel like getting up. I have no idea how to process this and mom is starting to pick up on that.
“I know it is a lot Lilybean. It’s not easy having your entire perception on your life change. But, this is such a blessing. You get a new chance, and I don’t have to lose you sweetheart” she says to me.
“I know mom. I just- I prepared myself, I feel like we all did. I’m so grateful for this opportunity but I just feel like oddly scared. I knew what my future held and now I don’t” I say to her.
“You’re right babe. I’m sorry. This is a huge deal and I want you to process it at your own pace. I’m going to get some bedding from the nurses, and we can watch a movie and get ready for bed. How does that sound?” she said searching to comfort me.
I agree and she leaves to go get some blankets and pillows to make her chair in my room comfortable enough to sleep on for the night.
“Wow, I’m going to live. I’m going to LIVE.” I whisper under my breath. This is so crazy. I’m happy but the thoughts of what I gave up are unpleasantly at the forefront of my brain. I never finished my degree at Richmond. I said goodbye to Nick. Oh, Nick. I made it a point not to keep up with what he was doing for self-preservation. I thought it would be best for him and I not to keep up-to-date on each other. I know I broke his heart, but I’m feeling stupid for it now because I’m suddenly living now. I don’t know, but my head feels so full. I need to go to bed.
Chapter 5: Recovery
The days following the announcement of Lily’s acceptance into the surgical study were a blur. Lily was interviewed and given all her options not only by Steve but by multiple members of her medical team. Lily scheduled her surgery for 2 months after finding out she was eligible. She went through multiple series of tests to ensure she was a proper candidate. Her tests included scans of her lungs and even a few biopsies. This was to ensure accuracy when the company started to print the prosthetic vessels. These vessels are organic material, so they need weeks to grow.
The day finally comes, and Lily goes in for her surgery. It was a grueling 14-hour procedure. Although her surgeon is highly trained in organic transplant cases, this is a very new procedure for the lungs. Her surgeon finally emerges to find Jill waiting in Lily’s room for the word.
He stepped into the room and said, “She was a rockstar in there.”
Jill’s eyes filled with tears as she jumped up to hug the exhausted but proud surgeon. He continued, “She’ll most likely be in need of some revision surgeries. Most likely some of the vessels won’t take to the foreign prostheses, but that is to be expected. Overall, everything went very smooth and she’s recovering well in the ICU until she wakes up.”
Although Lily’s surgery was a success it was a very invasive and harsh procedure on her body. She was kept in the ICU for 3 days until they deemed her well enough to return to her room for care. From there, Lily would be expected to recover for another 16 weeks with intermittent revision surgeries. An additionally 8 weeks after her final revision, she was expected to go to in-house occupational therapy sessions in hopes to regain some of her lost mobility from not only the surgery but the past 3 years of being practically bed ridden. Lily finds this particularly hard seeing as though she went from thinking she was going to die to being on her way to recovery. She is able to persevere and soon enough the doctors clear her for release.
Chapter 6: Papillon
Lily
“Oh my gosh, this is going to be so weird not seeing you everyday” I said to Steve as he wheeled me out of hospital in a mandated wheelchair. I insisted I could walk on my own but he said he’d get “fired and it would be all my fault” if I didn’t sit down. So, of course I did.
“I’m not gonna miss you at all Lil. I want you to get out of this place and never come back!” he said to me already tearing up.
I look at him and say, “You’re such a horrible liar. I’ll miss you more than you know. You haven’t heard the last from me I’m sure I’ll be bothering you with questions about my med regimen anyways.”
He pretends to dump me out of the wheelchair and opens the car door. I give him a huge through the window and he says a final goodbye to mom.
“Take care, Jill” he says to her.
“Bye Steve! You angel of a man!” she screams out the window while pulling out of her parking space.
The ride home is so bizarre. I know where my house is but somehow it feels like my home and everything I now is in the other direction. My anxiety is high but I get myself to a point where I can just be excited and thankful to be going to my own home.
We pull in the driveway and it’s just how I remember. I walked in the door to a warm welcome from my mom’s cat, Marcy. I like Marcy, but she’s most definitely one of those cats who only has one owner, and that owner is my mom.
Mom gets busy bringing some of my things in while I start to unpack them. I have medications, clothes, and my painting supplies. Honestly, in the 3-ish years I was there you’d think I’d collect a lot more stuff. I was in the middle of unloading my brushes when I hear mom getting a call.
“Oh shit. Okay, I’m coming.” Mom said to whoever was on the phone. “Hey Lily, I told them not to bother me today but the surgery bill is coming in soon and I really don’t want to lose this project. I’m going in for a couple hours tops and then I’ll be back to make us dinner. Okay?” she said to me with such guilt in her eyes.
“No problem, mom” I smiled at her.
“Oh, and no driving anywhere. You can go anywhere within walking distance but the surgeon said he doesn’t want you driving yet” she added.
“Yes ma’am” I mocked her.
I made my way up to my room and opened the door. Just how I left it. I felt like I was an anthropologist uncovering a lost civilization. Instead of finding a city I was finding remnants of my old life. Bits and pieces started coming back to me. I see pictures of my old dorm room. I see pictures of Nick. I look at some of the paintings and art projects I was particularly proud enough to hang up. It’s crazy that I’m back here, in my own home. I get a huge jolt of nostalgia remembering my life before I got really sick. It makes me want to do something. I want a taste of my old life. A horrible but tempting idea comes to my mind; I want to go to Café Papillon. Mom said I couldn’t go anywhere I had to drive but it’s just in town. I used to walk there all the time when I was in high school.
I hurry downstairs in excitement. I haven’t actually been to Papillon in years. I throw on my jacket and I’m out the door. I get halfway down the street and realize…when I was in high school I was at my peak health.
“Damn it” I think to myself. “Well, that was short lived” I said under my labored breath. I keep walking though. I make it to the end of the block and grin a mischievously.
“Aha! I can take the bus” I thought. The bus stop was only another block down and technically I wasn’t driving. Mom can’t be too mad…right?
I wait for the 3pm bus and its right on time. I hop right on and take the route all the way into town, about a 15 minute ride. I thank the bus driver and stop off.
There she is, Café Papillon, in all her glory. I walk in the door and the door chimes go off.
“Welcome in!” the barista said to me. “Hi there” I said as I made my way to the bar.
It feels so good to be so normally. I walk over and start looking at the menu. Honestly, lots has changed. The baristas are new and the menu is new. But the atmosphere is the same, homey. I order my usual, a white chocolate mocha, and find my way to my favorite corner of the café. I’m taking it all in when I look up to a surprisingly familiar face. Oh shit. It’s Nick.
I slide down in my chair a bit and he makes his way to the bar. I’m watching the whole interaction but I feel so removed. I barely noticed at first but I’m cold sweating now. I can’t catch my breath. I start to freak out a bit. I stumble to my feet and make my way to the bathroom. I catch myself on the sink and pull out my phone to text Steve.
“Steve, I’m having trouble breathing and I don’t know what’s wrong. I can’t catch my breath no matter how much air I’m taking in. I need help.” I text to him.
He responds right away with: “Lil, I’m going to need you to splash your face with cold water. It sounds like you’re hyperventilating and that’ll help to reset your parasympathetic system and allow you to get a full breath in. Sit down wherever you can and I’ll call an ambulance for you.”
“No, I just need my mom” I txt to him.
“Okay, she’s on the way. Has that helped? It’s risky breathing like that because you can create more scar tissue which can set you back in your recovery progress.” He says.
“Yeah, the water helped. I think I just needed to sit down for a second I went to Papillon and I think it was just too much.” I say.
“You what Lily? Why would you do that?” he responds.
“I don’t know but I felt like I needed to get out. I have this new freedom and I just wanted to do something. But I was in Papillon for like 30 minutes and you wouldn’t believe who came in.” I said.
“Who?” Steve asks.
“Nick” I say.
“Oh lord Lily, no wonder you started hyperventilating. That is so irresponsible. I can’t believe-….” He started texting but I slapped my phone off.
Jeez, I should have known that was coming. It is irresponsible what I did but what are the odds he would have come in. I didn’t even know he would still be in the area. How the hell didn’t he recognize me? I was right in front of him. And then it dawned on me. I looked in the mirror and the reflection that gaze back was a very skinny, hunched over, pale girl with peach fuzz for hair. “Oh yeah, that’s why” I thought to myself. I just get to the end of that thought and I hear a knock at the door.
“Just a minute” I say for an extra moment of peace.
“Open this door Lily. Now!” a voice I immediate recognized at mom said to me.
I open to door to see her fuming but eyes filled with fear.
“I’m sorry” I begin to say.
“I’ll hear it when we get home, let’s go.” She says shortly.
It felt like I was back in the car just as quickly as I got on the bus to get here.
Chapter 7: At Home
When Lily and Jill got home from Papillon Jill decided she didn’t want to hear her story that night but it could wait till the next morning. She helped administer Lily’s meds, fed her dinner, and made sure she was settled in for the night before going to bed herself. It was such a full day and to have Lily at such risk so soon after she came home almost crushed her. She felt partly responsible for leaving. But at the same time Lily was a full-grown adult and should have known better than to risk herself like that.
The following morning, she was finally ready to hear the story. Lily relayed what happened and Jill was surprisingly… not surprised. This was impressionable to Lily because it let her know that Jill most likely did keep up to date with what Nick was up to after their split. This sparked Lily’s interest and curiosity in her ex. They ended is such horrible circumstances and she never followed up with him. She always imagined that he’d moved to a bigger city and landed a big corporate business job. It was surprising that he was still in town so many years later. It got her thinking; she’s not going to hide the rest of her recently acquired life.
Chapter 8: Second Chances?
Lily
I’ve been sitting around this house for weeks. The nice thing about it is mom and I have fallen into our routine. She gets up before work to make breakfast, she wakes me up, we eat, she leaves, I clean up, and then I retire to my room for the rest of the day to work on my art. Currently, I’m working on a big canvas painting of the Papillon. I loved the architecture of the building and it’s such a large painting I thought it would keep me occupied for a while. Today though, it feels like that has run out and I’m itching to go out again.
I’m finally cleared by the surgeon to drive again so I take that as my invitation to drive to get a coffee. I’ve already had one today but I cannot deprive myself of my first love, white chocolate mocha. I need to take reference pictures of Papillon anyways for my painting so it’ll be a productive visit.
On the way, I start to feel my heart flutter. What am I doing, I think to myself. I think…I think maybe I’m excited at the thought that I might see Nick. I push the thought out of my head and arrive at my destination.
I get out, order, and decide to sit down for a bit. I’m taking in the atmosphere and take part in some people watching. I’m so crazy. Why am I sitting here wasting my precious life. I come to terms with myself that I am secretly hoping to see him. UGH. I get up and leave.
“Lily, what are you doing girl. Come on.” I say arguing with myself. I walk across the street to get a few good pictures of the café for my reference photos. I continue with myself, “You left him. You banned him from the hospital. You broke his heart. What right do you have to come back into his life? He thought you were going to die and you thought you were going to die.”
I’ve finished taking my pictures, so I walk around the square a bit still frustrated with myself. I happen upon a cute floral shop. It’s modern but homey. It has beautiful colors in the window that look straight out of Jackson Pollack. I love a good bouquet too so I let myself inside. I walk in and it smells pleasantly of fresh dew and roses.
“Hi there, how can I help you?” a pleasant and sweet looking blonde woman asked me. She was wearing an apron with flower sheers and a name tag hanging off of the pocket. The name tag read Jami.
“Hi..Jami is it? I’m looking for a bouquet for my mom. She’s a big fan of pink peony but I’m not sure what to pair it with.
“Oh, I also love peony. I have a couple pre-made bouquets here that have peony and some foxglove and lupine. But you can also make your own bouquet if you’d like from the selection in the back” she says to me.
“I think I’d like to make one if that’s alright” I say to her.
“Absolutely, let me show you the way” she replies back.
She leads me into the back where there is a beautiful studio of different types of flowers. I start picking out baby’s breath, bellflower, and pink peony. It’s looking gorgeous and I’m really happy with it. I turn around and…SMACK. I face plant into right into something…someone.
“Oh gosh, my bad. I’m so sorry” he says. Holy guac, no way. Nick is standing in front of me wide-eyed like a deer in headlights. We stand in shock for a minute.
“Are you okay” he continues after getting no response
“Oh yeah, sorry. I’m fine thanks. I was just turning to buy these. I’m so clumsy right now” I saw to him. I can immediately tell from his eyes he doesn’t have a clue who I am. And that hurts a little.
“Sure, actually I can take you to check out. You deserve a discount for that body check, huh.” He laughs.
“You work here?” My thought slips out of my mouth before my brain realizes how weird that must sound.
“Haha, yes. I actually own the shop” he laughs.
“Oh very nice.” That is all I’m able to muster out the rest of the interaction. I’m in absolute shock and try and evacuate as soon as possible. I pay and I’m out the door and back to the car in what feels like a minute. The drive home was long. My life with Nick kept replaying in my head. The late nights at school specifically ran through my mind. We would stay in with a movie and snacks and grind all night to finish out schoolwork. Oh course, Nick’s work was always more complicated, but he never made me feel less for just being in art.
I pull in the driveway and make my way inside to see mom sitting in her chair with Marcy. I give her the flowers and sit down next to her.
“Mom… I saw Nick” I cut to the chase. She looks up and sets down her glass of wine.
“These flowers are beautiful baby, thank you. And what? Where?” she asked.
“I saw him at the flower shop. Apparently, he owns it.” I say slowly.
“That’s crazy. How do you feel about that?” she questions.
“I don’t know. He didn’t even recognize me and I didn’t bother telling him who I was. He seems to have this whole new life and he’s happy. He was laughing and so nice. I wanted to say something the whole time he was checking me out for the flowers but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t” I said in frustration.
“Honey, he was a huge part of your life and you deserve to talk to him. He doesn’t even know you’ve had your whole life change” she says.
“I know mom. But I feel like I’d be intruding. I hurt him so bad and I never gave him closure. Wouldn’t you be so freaked out if your ex-girlfriend ‘came back from the dead’ and suddenly inserted herself back into your life. I would just feel so bad if he wasn’t ready for that. Or worse, if I hurt him more by telling him. I can’t help but feel I’m better off dead in his eyes” I confess.
“Lilybean, this is your life and you deserve to live it. If you want to re-open that chapter then that’s your choice, honey” she presses.
“I know mom but it’s just such crazy circumstances. I just don’t know. I feel sick a little. I’m going to lay down” I say trying to find comfort.
“Okay, lovely. I’ll be up in a few to check in on you” she says.
“Okay, I love you. Goodnight” I say.
I made my way upstairs and find comfort in my bed. I lay there and stare at my walls. My walls filled with memories. I pull out my phone and start drafting a text that read:
“Hi, Nick. I know you’re probably surprised to hear from me but I feel like you deserve to know this. After we split, I was in the hospital for another 2 years. I was doing really bad but then I found out I was accepted into a new medical procedure to get prosthetic vessels in my lungs. Long story short, I’m on my way to being in remission from my lung cancer. I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry…I’m at home now and I was wondering if you wanted to meet for coffee or something. I’m so sorry.”
God this is so stupid. He’s going to be so confused and hurt. I would single handedly be changing his entire perception of his life the past 4 years in one single text. I feel so lost and also hurt. Most importantly I’m confused. The most rational person I know is Steve, so I decide to text him.
“Hey Steve” I text.
A couple minutes later he replies, “Hi Lil. How are you feeling? Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, I’m okay. I’m just feeling a little confused and I need your advice” I say.
“Okay, I’m glad you’re feeling okay. Spill, what’s going on?” he replied back. I give him the rundown of today’s events and he sends back the most profound message.
He says, “Lily, I’ve seen so many patients go through so many stages of cancer, some similar to you. They get a new chance at life and often I see them chasing this old version of themselves; their life before their cancer. Most often I would tell them to find closure where they could and then move forward with the gift they were given. However, you were so young when all of this happened to you that I think you deserve this closure. I think you should send the text and meet with him. You took the decision away from him in the past, I think he deserves to make this one now.”
“Wow” I think to myself. I really absorb what he says and go back to my drafted text. I think it over and over. I read it and then re-read it over again. I want to send it but I feel like today was emotionally charged and I might be making a rash decision. That is probably the first time I’ve ever thought that to be honest. That thought makes me laugh. I thank Steve, but turn off my phone and go to sleep for the night.
Chapter 9: Channel 48 With Your Host Kim
Lily
I wake up the next morning groggy and sleep deprived. You know what this calls for, white chocolate mocha. I make my way to Papillon, this time with no butterflies and no expectations. I pull into a parking space and make my way inside.
“Welcome in” the barista says. “The usual?”
“Yes please” I respond.
I sit down in my usual spot and find a nice magazine to read.
“Isn’t that so exciting! They finally got engaged, they’re the sweetest couple” said Kim.
“AND she’s a florist. How amazing are her flower going to be at the wedding, right? Aren’t I right?” Kim said hoping for validation from again, anyone who would listen.
“Yeah, Kim.” said the barista.
Oh shit. Nick got engaged to Jami. The nice girl I saw yesterday. I’m sick to my stomach but also relieved. Something kept me from sending that text and I don’t know what it was but I’m thankful. I would have been so guilty if I messed that up. I cut that thought short in my head. What right did I have to think I would have ruined anything. Nick clearly had started a business with this woman and was clearly in love with her enough to want to start a life with her. I’m desperately trying to rationalize with myself.
“That is so selfish, Lily” I thought.
Yet still, this man had an entire life and had no loyalties to me. He’s happy.
Chapter 10: Letting Go…Again
Lily
“Okay, I’m all packed up” I said to mom.
“Ugh, okay Lilybean” mom said to me with tears brimming at the corners of her eyes.
“Well, almost. Where do you want this Papillon painting Lil?” Steve said while most likely doing calculus in his brain trying to figure out how it would fit in the van.
“Oh, I’ll just stick it across the back seat, thanks!” I replied.
“Okay, now you’re all packed up” said Steve with a smile.
I’m so thankful for both of them. I couldn’t have done this without them.
“You’re sure you want to go to Georgia baby?” mom says.
“Yeah, I’m ready for this. I start my new mural gig on Monday which gives me just enough time to get down there and settled by the end of the weekend. I want to start this. I can’t keep pining after a life I once had. My reality has changed and I’m ready for a fresh start.” I say in confidence.
“You’re going to do amazing. Of course stay in touch about your re-fills for meds down there. Sometimes transferring pharmacies for those types of medications can be a headache for the first couple months, but it’ll settle.” Steve said with a grin.
“Of course, you haven’t heard the last from me Steve.” I say and pull him in for a huge through the window of the van.
I start the engine and pull away. Mom is sobbing into Steve but they both wave goodbye. I made my way through town for a final stop at my favorite spot. I’m sure I’ll find my new coffee place in Georgia. I heard they’re known for really great Tea surprisingly. I grab my white chocolate mocha from that counter and tip the barista extra. I’m back in the van and drive through the town square one last time. I pass the post office where I voted for the first time, the movies where I went on my favorite date nights with mom, and finally the florist shop.
“Maybe in a another life” I chuckle under my breath as I step on the gas.