Have you ever felt obligated to feel a certain way about a certain situation? For example, have you ever had your own feelings about an argument, but you understand the other person’s point of view so much to the point where you negate your own feelings? Broadening your own perspective on certain situations or arguments is important for growth. However, completely negating or disregarding your own feelings after taking in someone else’s is ignoring your boundaries.
Everyone deals with their emotions in different ways. For example, some people use avoidance while others are confrontational. If one is avoidant, how are they supposed to respect the confrontational one but remain true to their own needs? There is no singular answer; however, my approach is to acknowledge the difference. After receiving or experiencing confrontation, someone who is avoidant can reply, “I’m hearing what you said, and I appreciate you coming to me about it. However, right now, I cannot dedicate the amount of depth to my response that you may be looking for, that this situation deserves, and the amount I would otherwise be able to give.” Acknowledging the fact that there is something to be addressed allows the person who confronted you to feel like they were heard while you’re still able to cope with the situation in a way you’re comfortable. In this case, the individual who confronted you still gets a response right away, and it keeps the conversation open for further discussion.
Just as your boundaries are important, so are those of others. Like I stated previously, you may want to address something one way while the other person may want to address it in another. Both boundaries are valid and should be respected. This may feel impossible and unfair. I like to think of it this way: each person is valid for dealing with their emotions the way that they feel most comfortable. However, if you get to the point where respecting another person’s boundaries starts to disrespect your own, that becomes a problem. For example, if someone who is avoidant takes weeks to get back to you after you’ve already discussed boundaries. In my opinion, it is not your responsibility to be readily available for them when they are ready. It would not be your duty to stick around and wait because that becomes continuously hurtful to you. This doesn’t take away from their validity for choosing to cope in that way, but again it does not then become your responsibility to “fill in the blanks” emotionally.
Boundaries are complicated, as are relationships. Listening to your own feelings can oftentimes benefit and strengthen relationships. Be kind to your neighbor but also be kind to yourself!