We all know how it goes: things seemed perfect, almost too perfect…They were talking about a future together, showering you with sweetness, and communicating oh-so-amazingly. Then, with no warning at all, they vanished! Poof! Despite the efforts you made to avoid looking at them through rose-colored glasses, you are now completely blindsided. You find yourself going back and analyzing every interaction to make sure you didn’t miss anything. But hey, it happens to the best of us, and lately it seems, a lot of us.
I feel like just about everyone I know is going through some sort of heartache at the moment, whether it’s due to life transitions, toxic patterns, or the simple fact that some people (*cough* *cough* men) struggle to communicate.
It is October, after all, so in the spirit of the Halloween season, let’s talk about how to deal with ghosts—and zombies!
- Don’t bother reaching out—or do
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This one’s tricky. Some people will tell you not to reach back out. “It’ll give them the upper-hand.” “If they wanted to hear from you, they would reach out.” “If you address your feelings and they still don’t reply, you will only feel worse.”
Others will tell you to absolutely say something. “You deserve an explanation.” “They should know how you’re hurting.” “They shouldn’t be let off the hook that easily, with no questions asked.”
I’ve learned, through my friends’ experiences and my own, that there’s really no clear-cut right or wrong way of handling the situation (unless you’re blowing up their phone with texts and calls—please don’t do that). Everyone is different. Go with your gut. Say and do whatever feels right for you.
My only advice: If you do choose to say something, never send a message in anger. Take a step back. Choose your words carefully. And remember that you can only control your own thoughts and actions—not theirs.
- Don’t be hard on yourself
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Nine times out of ten, when somebody ghosts, it comes down to them not being able to express their feelings. Whether the issue was on your end or theirs, it was their responsibility to communicate that they wanted to be done. Their actions speak volumes about them, and nothing about you.
- Try not to stalk
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I get it! You want to know what they’re up to. Maybe you’re checking their following list religiously to see if someone new is in the picture. Or maybe you have your eye on their ex to make sure they’re not reviving any old sparks. Whatever it may be, it’s unproductive. It will only result in pain, if anything. However, at the end of the day, it comes along with the experience and no one can really stop you!
- Be sad
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You have a right to be sad. Lean on your loved ones. Cry it out. Eat ice cream. Vent to your journal, notes app, and best friends.
- Then, be angry
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At least they gave you good reason not to miss them. Be glad you dodged that bullet. Make an angry playlist. Exercise. Vent some more.
- Now, use those emotions as motivation
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Focus hard on yourself right now. Happiness truly is the best and only revenge.
- Stick to your boundaries
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Let’s be honest. There’s a high chance that they’ll reach back out at some point (when the “ghost” comes back from the dead, hence my mention of “zombies” earlier). If and when they do, please don’t abandon your boundaries. With the right person, you should never have to beg or wait around to be treated right. So, ask yourself if you really want this again.
Also, ask yourself how they have the nerve to try crawling back!
- Remember: your feelings are valid, and healing takes time
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Whether you’re coming out of a short fling or a long-term relationship, remember that you have every right to feel hurt, angry, and even betrayed. Every connection is different, and everyone heals at their own pace.
Note that many of these tips can be tailored to lots of heartache-related situations. So, I suppose you could also see this as a general guide to getting dumped! Whatever it is that you’re dealing with, just know that you are never alone, it will get better, and that, although you don’t want to hear it right now, you will find someone else—the right one for you!