It’s the holiday season, which means you’re probably wracking your brain trying to remember which shirt your boyfriend wanted when you were at the mall that one time, or what you could possibly buy your busy mom who swears she doesn’t want anything for Christmas. Instead of spending hours wandering franticly from store to store, give your boyfriend, mom or best friend the “gift” they really want — a gift tailored to show them just how much you really care. Â
Marriage expert Dr. Gary Chapman knows a thing or two about love. Not only has he been married to his wife for 45 years, but he’s also been a marriage counselor for the past 35 years and has offered his expertise to thousands as a national speaker at marriage conferences. In his first book, “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts,” Chapman details five unique ways that people show and receive love, called “love languages.” According to Chapman, learning someone’s love language is essential to connecting with them in the most meaningful way.
The five love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, receiving gifts and physical touch. You can probably make a good guess at the love languages of those closest to you, but if you want a more concrete answer, you can have your loved one take the short test here. Read through each of the descriptions below to identify the love languages of those closest to you and give them the gift they really want this season.
1. Words of Affirmation
People who identify with the words of affirmation love language are deeply impacted by words — positive or negative. Verbal praise, encouragement and affirmation make them feel loved, appreciated, and cherished. Instead of buying them a new sweater or a pricey piece of technology, give them the gift they really want this Christmas — words of love and appreciation. Write them a card or letter telling them why they are a gift to you this Christmas. When you notice how nice your boyfriend looks in his button down at Christmas dinner, tell him. When your mom makes a big breakfast filled with everyone’s favorite breakfast foods on Christmas morning, tell her how much you appreciate her thoughtfulness and the energy she puts into making breakfast special for your family. When you think something kind or encouraging about someone you love, take the next step and say it. It will mean more than you realize to your words of affirmation loved ones.
2. Quality Time
People who identify with the quality time love language feel most loved when you spend time giving them your undivided attention. These people relish in one-on-one time without distractions — no constant texts or snapchat notifications to take you away from conversation and memory-making with them. In essence, they want to spend time with you and feel that you want to spend time with them as well. If you suspect your loved one is a quality time person, make it a point to do something special with them when you can offer your full attention. Buy your little brother dinner at his place of choice and chat while you eat. Sit with your mom while she drinks her morning coffee and leave your cell phone in the other room. If you want to purchase something, make it something that can contribute to a quality time experience. Buy your dad a new tennis racket and tell him you’ll go play with him — and don’t forget to follow through! I guarantee quality-timers will appreciate your attention much more than a present wrapped beneath the tree.
3. Acts of Service
People who identify with the acts of service love language feel most loved when you do something to show you care. Action is essential to communicating that you truly care. Like the old saying, “actions speak louder than words,” people with the acts of service love language feel loved and appreciated when you do something to take a burden off them or make their day better. If your mom has lots of cleaning to do before your extended family arrives, offer to clean so she can attend to other things. She will feel grateful that you chose to spend your time doing something that lessens her load. If your brother can’t figure out what to buy his girlfriend for Christmas, send him some ideas you found online that you think she might like. He will appreciate that you went out of your way to make Christmas shopping a little easier for him. If you suspect your loved one feels most cared for through acts of services, be on the lookout for special ways you can show them you love them — through action of course!
4. Receiving Gifts
For people who identify with the receiving gifts love language, Christmas time really is the most wonderful time of the year, but don’t misinterpret this love language as shallow. To these people, considerate gifts are a tangible representation that you know them well. For them, gift-giving isn’t about the grandiosity or the price of the present — it’s about the thoughtfulness that the gift exhibits. If your sister receives love through gifts, pick up her favorite candy when you’re out at the store to show her you were thinking of her. Buy your boyfriend a record from a vintage shop for him to play on his record player because you know it’s his favorite way to spend a Sunday morning. Remember, for people with the receiving gifts love language, it’s not about the price — it’s about the love that a physical gift communicates to them
5. Physical Touch
People who identify with the physical touch love language feel most loved when they receive a warm and timely touch from someone they love. Appropriate and intentional touches, like hugs, communicate care and affection to people with the physical touch love language. If you suspect your loved one receives love through touch, be cognizant of moments you can gift them with a kind embrace. Play with your sister’s hair while you’re watching a Christmas movie. Grab your boyfriend’s hand when you’re walking around downtown because you know he appreciates it. Wrap your best friend in a big hug when you say goodbye for break. These seemingly small actions communicate love directly to the heart of physical touch love languages.
This quick guide can help you bypass the aisles of clothes and gadgets and instead give your loved ones what they really want this Christmas! Unless their love language is receiving gifts, then hop back in that aisle and find a gift that shows you know them and care!