Social anxiety disorder is known as an intense, persistent fear of being watched and judged by others, but it goes deeper than this. Social anxiety isn’t just being scared of social situations. It ranges from getting anxious at the thought of meeting new people, to shaking and stuttering when ordering food at a restaurant because you’re petrified of ordering wrong or saying something stupid, to needing to write out and mentally prepare for what you’re planning on saying when having phone calls.
As an ambivert with social anxiety, I love making friends and talking to people, but I’m terrified of it at the same time. I get so scared to meet new people, and often flake on plans with guys because I’m so scared that it’ll be awkward or there will be nothing to talk about or he won’t like me or I’ll want to leave; the list goes on and on. I hate the feeling that I get in my body when I make plans with a new guy: the pit in my stomach, the uncontrollable leg shaking as anxiety pulses through my body, the overwhelming nausea and immediate regret I feel in my body when he sends the “omw” message. In my eyes, cancelling plans is simply easier than the debilitating anxiety that I feel upon making plans with new people.
Everyone says that college is where you meet your people and you’ll make tons of friends, but it isn’t that easy. I see people blasting their huge friend groups all over social media while I’m able to count on my hand the number of close friends I have. This is something that, while I do still occasionally feel envious over, I’ve come to accept. I always tell myself that I’d rather have a few close-knit trustworthy friends than an entire group of “fake” friends. A piece of advice that I’d give to a college student with social anxiety is to set goals. I have a goal to make one new friend each semester. I find that it takes the pressure off of attempting to make tons of friends. Just one person, I just need to talk to one person and become friends with them. While I usually end up making a handful of friends by the time the semester ends, it’s reassuring knowing that I’ve accomplished my goal and that I’m not putting pressure on myself to make tons of friends.
A funny story I like to share is how I met my best friend, Teagan. I needed roommates for the Fall 2022 semester because, as a transfer, it wasn’t easy to find people to live with right when I was starting my first semester at JMU. She posted in a group chat about needing a 4th roommate and I met her and 2 other girls, and we decided to live together. Being socially awkward and living with three girls who already know each other and are all good friends honestly wasn’t easy. I isolated myself in my room at all times and when I wasn’t in my room, I was sitting on the couch on my phone in silence, occasionally joining in on conversation with one of my roommates while my heart was pounding, my palms were sweaty, and I was terrified of saying the wrong thing. I spent essentially every night either in my room or at my (now ex) boyfriend’s apartment to avoid the awkward socialization that I whole heartedly dreaded. Teagan, along with my other two roommates, all thought that I hated them since I hardly spoke to them throughout my first few months of living with them.
After a few months of isolating myself in my room most of the time, I decided that I needed to go out of my comfort zone and start actually interacting with my roommates. I started spending most of my time in my living room doing homework, which brought me closer to Teagan, who also always did her homework in the living room as well. It got to a point where we spent every night doing homework together, and she soon became my best friend. While it started as my roommate thinking I hated her because I never left my room and hardly talked to her, leaving my comfort zone eventually led to me meeting one of my best friends. This is another piece of advice I’d give to a college student with social anxiety: sometimes it pays off to put yourself in uncomfortable situations. It’s crucial to go outside of your comfort zone at times, especially in regard to meeting new people. Whenever I’m put in a social situation that I desperately don’t want to be in, I always tell myself that it’s only temporary. While a situation may be uncomfortable and awkward for a little while, it’s only temporary.
I’ve realized how much being at college has helped my social anxiety. My first semester at college, I found it so difficult to make friends and talk to people. My roommate already had an entire friend group by the time our first week of classes passed, and when I was invited to hangout with them, I always found myself sitting with them in silence as they all talked to each other. After transferring to a bigger school where I was able to meet more people, I’ve found such a huge change in my social skills and my ability to hold conversations with random people. I went from being a shy girl who couldn’t hold a conversation for the life of her, to a girl who finds herself going up to people and making friends with random people at social events. While I still definitely do get anxious when put into new social situations, I know that I’ve grown so much socially and while it’s something I’m definitely still working on, it’s something I’m proud of.