I, like many women, have grown tired of swiping through profiles of copy-and-pasted men who all want short-term relationships and “intimacy without commitment” (which I still cannot fathom the meaning of). It seems as though in the modern age, dating has changed along with the rest of the world. No longer do we walk up to people and strike up a conversation; instead, we send them a like on Hinge (and maybe a rose if they’re lucky). I’ve fallen victim to using dating apps with the somewhat-naive hope of finding genuine love while still keeping my expectations astronomically low.
Men with a debilitating fear of commitment seem to be drawn to me like moths to a flame. On their profiles, these men made it seem like they were open to finding love, and this made the betrayal of a “nevermind” so much worse. When you find someone with the same values as you, with the same end goal, it’s easy to fall into daydreams. In reality though, you don’t know much about them at all, and you’re simply judging by their highlight reel of a dating profile. The hardest part of being on dating apps, and dating in general, is that you can want the same things as another person and still ultimately not be meant for each other. When things come to an end, it’s easy to take it personally, but really, it isn’t about you (as much as that may feel like the case).
I used to chase the feeling of excitement and soaring butterflies in my stomach, but after dating different people I discovered that it isn’t a feeling I really, genuinely like. I had grown accustomed to “the chase” and to emotionally unavailable men instead of finding what I really needed: a guy who could genuinely be there for me, and wanted to be. Someone whose words I didn’t need to constantly analyze and someone who I didn’t need to change my personality for in order for them to feel more secure in their masculinity.
Over time, I’ve learned to better judge men on the content of their profile and prompts. On apps, you’ll find your fair share of frat men who are looking for short-term relationships. Why bother? Instead, I find myself gravitating toward men who look like they genuinely want a relationship. It’s important to never begin a relationship with the hopes of changing someone. As much as you wish you could, I promise you can’t.
With dating there are many failures and few successes, but it’s crucial to remember not to take it too seriously. With each date that may or may not find itself falling into the “flop” category, there’s a story to laugh about with your best friends, and that is just as beautiful as finding new love.