Trigger Warning: This article mentions rape
With the results of the election, I wanted to take the time today to talk about being a proud lesbian woman!
I am personally the type of woman to make it known that I am a lesbian. I don’t care if it offends people, if it makes people uncomfortable, or if it goes against what they think is right and wrong. Lesbianism is BEAUTIFUL.
To start, coming to the realization that I’m not straight or bisexual, but that I am a lesbian; was really difficult for me. I really don’t like putting labels on things that are important to me and I felt almost constricted when trying to give myself a label. Now, I am a Virgo, so I like having things figured out down to a T. This was the one thing I could not have figured out as fast as I can figure other things out. I felt super anxious when people would ask me what I align with and it would often result in awkward laughter and saying that I like what I like. While this is a completely valid response, I knew that I was missing something within my answer.
I first knew that I like girls from a very young age. My “gay awakening” was Miley Cyrus performing at the VMA’s with Robin Thicke in 2013. I remember thinking, “Holy sh*t why do I have butterflies in my stomach when I look at this beautiful woman?” I didn’t know that having the option of being with a girl was a thing, and didn’t give these feelings much thought until I got into middle school.
I remember feeling romantic feelings to female celebrities throughout middle school, and when my sister came out when I was in 8th grade, I felt validated in a way. Knowing that this was an option for me gave me a lot of clarity at such a young age. Throughout my sophomore year of high school, I spent a lot of time diving into my sexuality. This was over quarantine, so I had time to unpack my feelings and I came out as bisexual in January of 2021. I posted it to my spam account on Instagram in an update about what I had been up to and also told my close friends. I posted on my Snapchat story a picture of me with a bi flag heart and I remember being so nervous to do that. Posting it on Facebook months later really made my heart race because I have a lot of family members on there that aren’t very fond of anything outside of a man and woman being married. That made it so much harder for me to explore and find out what my sexuality is.
I dated women as I got into junior and senior year of high school, and after a breakup with a woman I started to question my sexuality. This was oddly a really crucial part in figuring out my sexuality. I remember during this relationship having feelings that I was a lesbian, but I didn’t do anything to dive into those feelings and figure out what was going on internally. I had to deal with a lot of homophobia coming from people I once considered friends. I would get laughed at when telling people that I was going through a breakup with a woman. I remember being so embarrassed to even talk about my feelings, so I simply stopped. I thought that because of what people from my high school were saying to me, I just wasn’t going to be with women because I couldn’t handle what they were saying about me and my sexuality.
My internalized homophobia grew extremely throughout the entirety of my senior year of high school. The summer of 2023, right after I graduated high school and right before I went into college, I was raped by a man. I developed Stockholm Syndrome to this individual and that really confused things for me. I was also dealing with alcohol abuse at this same time, and was making really horrible decisions. My sexuality was something I tried to just push to the side because I was surrounding myself with people that didn’t make it easy to talk about anything involving LGBTQ+. I was at a party one night and one of my “friends” laughed and made a random joke about me being bisexual.
One day about a month before I left for my first year of college, I was trying to connect with people who would be living in my dorm. I came across a woman’s Instagram page that was going to live a few rooms down from me and I immediately was head over heels for her. Everything felt okay in terms of my sexuality because she was so openly gay and happy about it. We connected a few times on Snapchat, but nothing ever came of it at that time. The first night I moved into college, my roommate needed something and I figured this girl would have it. I texted her on Snapchat and got an immediate reply. She told me to come to her room to get what we needed.
I walked in her room and knew I was going to marry this woman. All of these feelings of being gross for being queer were silent. We talked for what felt like minutes, but in reality was over an hour. The conversation flowed better than I ever thought was possible. We began hanging out after that and I could not suppress these feelings I felt for her. I confessed the way I felt and things went from there. Every day, any chance we could get, we were together. The connection between us was like nothing I had ever felt before with anyone.
She was so happy in her sexuality and didn’t let anyone make her feel bad for it. This inspired me to dig deep into my own sexuality and feelings, and she helped me realize that I am lesbian. It took months for me to be okay with this label because of the homophobia I experienced not only growing up, but to my face just months prior. I went back and forth with my sexuality because I wanted to just have it figured out. I was so scared that I would give myself this label and then take it away because I was scared and unsure.
Over a year later, I have done so much work within myself; healing the parts of me that felt ashamed because of how I grew up and what I heard from so many people from a young age. My soulmate, Sierra, helped me understand that being who I am is the most beautiful thing I can offer to the world. Being a lesbian is something to be proud of, to never suppress for the happiness of other people, and to show who I am off to the world because the right people will love me for who I am!
Sierra has changed so much for me in terms of what relationships should look like, what love feels and looks like, and she is continuously helping me heal from things she didn’t break. I will NEVER be quiet about my sexuality or about the love I have for my girlfriend. This past year with her has been the most rewarding and love filled year I have experienced so far.
LOVE ALWAYS WINS!