I know, I know, that title is scary to read while you’re in college. However, I am in my final semester at JMU, so I am thinking a little into the future (which if you’re past your first semester in your junior year, you should too!!). I am taking the plunge and moving in with my boyfriend right after college. I know what you’re thinking, am I…crazy? Stupid? Completely out of my mind? Maybe, but I have some reasons that might change how you view moving in with your significant other *gasp* BEFORE marriage.
I know we’ve probably all lived with a roommate by now since we’re of college age, but how many of us have lived with someone that we have a romantic attachment to? I don’t know many people who have. There are big, big differences between rooming with a random person or a close friend and having your S/O as your roommate. There are so many more challenges to consider and get through when moving in with someone you need to maintain a healthy relationship with. And while we all know the downsides of living with a partner (and there can be many), let’s break down the benefits of living with a boyfriend or girlfriend (OUTSIDE of a college setting) before marriage.
- The Ultimate Relationship Test
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While moving in together should not be the first thing you do when seeing if you’re compatible, it is a damn good way to see if you should get married. Moving in together is the ultimate relationship test because you have to spend almost all of your time together. If you don’t end up meshing well together and/or the person isn’t really who you thought they were, you get to know all of this BEFORE marrying them which will save both of you a lot of heartbreak, time, and money (divorce lawyers and splitting half of everything can kinda drain the bank account, you know?).
- Learning Responsibility: House Edition
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While a lot of us also learn this while living alone/in college with a roommate, you’re really able to learn responsibility. Taking care of your household and the maintenance that comes along with it is important. You can quickly see who cares more about keeping the house clean, who’s willing to step up to do the sucky chores no one wants to do, and who’s willing to compromise when it comes to household jobs.
In my relationship, we’ve already spoken about what chores are both our least favorite and the expectations that have been/need to be set. I loathe taking out the trash; he doesn’t mind it. He hates washing dishes and unloading the dishwasher; those are my favorite chores. However, there are things that neither of us like doing like laundry. In that case, we’ve decided to work on that chore as a team so neither of us has to do the entire chore by ourselves (which also makes it go faster!).
Not everything is going to match up, but splitting things equally, having a mature conversation about what’s fair, and sticking to it will make all the difference. It’s not easy to move in with ANYONE because everyone does everything differently, but having those conversations can make it easier as long as both parties are willing to compromise and accept the responsibility.
- Learning Responsibility: Pet Edition
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Animals are a whole other ballpark from learning household responsibility. When there’s another living being in the equation, responsibility becomes so much more important. If there happens to be an animal in your relationship equation (and FISH DON’T COUNT) the stakes are higher and there are more household responsibilities as well. If you have a dog, who’s walking it in the morning, leaving work during the day to do so, and at night when you’re both exhausted? Who’s getting up at the crack of dawn when they’re whining at the bottom of the bed to go out? If you have a cat, who’s cleaning the litter box every day? Who’s cleaning up the hairballs and throw up that randomly spawn on the carpet? What about the financials that come with owning an animal? There are so many extra responsibilities to consider when you own an animal, especially with another person.
This is another great way to see if your S/O can really handle the responsibility of looking after another living being. You don’t want to be married to someone who can’t scoop litter, God only knows if they’ll be able to figure out which way a diaper goes on a baby.
- Conflict resolution
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Conflict is something that almost everyone struggles with; if you don’t, I’m extremely jealous of you. However, it’s hard for most of us to deal with. When living with anyone, you’ll eventually see how they handle conflict because it’s inevitable. There’s always going to be a problem with the way your roommate loads the dishwasher or with how often they wipe down the countertops. When living with a partner, you’ll see how they truly handle conflict as a co-inhabitor and in your relationship. A lot of people start out in a relationship by being really open and receptive, but that’s normally just in the honeymoon phase. When you get into the stage of a relationship where you have more problems, you might be able to witness how your partner actually handles conflict, but even so, in a roommate situation, you’ll be able to get a front-row seat to the show.
People also have different conflict approaches based on the nature of a relationship. With my roommate and friends, I am a very non-confrontational person; I’m just not very comfortable with voicing my concerns or frustrations. In my relationship, I am extremely vocal and up-front about how I’m feeling and what I’m frustrated about. My partner is the exact opposite; if he has a problem, it’ll take him a while to speak up because he’s very non-confrontational. When we move in together after college, I’ll get an even better understanding of how he handles conflict in a more roommate-like situation which might even change how he handles conflict. Everyone is different and you never know how someone will react to issues before living with them.
- Alone Time
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Alone time means different things to a lot of people. For my boyfriend, alone time means being completely alone and it’s very important to him. For me, alone time isn’t that important and can mean being in the same room as someone else, but not talking to them, just being in each other’s presence. I know that my definition doesn’t really constitute true “alone time,” but since I believe that quality time is being present together in the moment, alone time means that we can be separate mentally, emotionally, and conversationally, but not always necessarily physically. I’m bringing this up because alone time in a relationship is important, and oftentimes, when you live with someone (especially a S/O) you don’t get a lot of alone time.
Learning how to divide alone time and couple time could make or break your relationship. As I talked about before, alone time isn’t really that important to me, but it is important to my boyfriend. If someone doesn’t get that time to themselves that they feel they need, they could grow to resent you. While it’s not necessarily your fault, it is something that can happen, so it needs to be talked about. Having this conversation while you’re living apart is important, but it becomes one of the most important things to discuss when you do live together. When you live together, you become a constant in someone else’s life and have little to no space that belongs solely to you; everything becomes shared. For one of the first times in your/their life, they don’t have a safe/personal space that belongs to them. Deviating alone time from couple time could truly make or break your relationship.
One of the biggest complaints people have about other people’s relationships is the “package deal” aspect. This is also another version of “alone time” that no one recognizes. You both have your own friends, and while you may get along with your partner’s friends, there will be times they want to hang out with them alone and THAT’S OKAY! I used to be that girlfriend who got insanely upset when I didn’t get invited to “bro time” (or whatever they call it), but then my boyfriend put it in perspective for me: wouldn’t it be so weird if he was at the girl’s wine night? The dynamic would be SO off. However, once we move again together, we’re both going to have to relearn how to get our alone time/friend time. Living in the same space as someone else is hard when you’re craving a good Gilmore Girls binge sesh and they want to watch all of the Star Wars movies but there’s only one TV.
Having the time and space to figure out alone time v.s. shared couple time is extremely valuable before you get married and have kids (if that’s on the timeline for you!). This looks different for each and every couple, so you genuinely need this time to figure out what works for you and your partner (and it won’t be easy!).
I’m sure there are so, so many more benefits to moving in with your partner before marriage; just as there are so many downsides. However, I am a strong believer in moving in together before marriage to see how you really mesh with a person. You could be the happiest couple when you live in separate apartments where you both have your own cleaning standards and style. However, the whole dynamic changes once you live together, and I truly believe that moving in before marriage could save everyone a lot of time, money, and pain. At the end of the day, to each their own, and good luck with however you choose to live your life. Don’t let anyone persuade you from doing what you and your partner think is right!
