Even more than I regret saying the wrong thing in a situation, I always regret leaving things unsaid. The moments where I should have confronted someone, expressed how I was feeling, or allowed myself to be angry, tend to linger in my mind much more than any guilt I feel for actually acting in the moment.
However, being conflict-avoidant does not actually avoid conflict. Resentment can build up if you continue to hold in and suppress your real feelings. The conflict continues to exist inside of you, building malicious narratives and often resulting in feelings of dissatisfaction.
Philippa Perry, a psychotherapist and author, writes that “A fear of arguing can lead to less intimacy and may leave you bitter, not better.” Holding back from certain discussions can result in topics becoming taboo, resulting in disconnection within relationships.
As well as this, difficulty expressing anger effectively can lead to a fear of arguing. Personally, I have previously associated anger with childishness and lack of emotional control. I have perceived anger to be such a powerful, irrepressible emotion that I am then unable to confront who, or what has evoked this within me. To admit that they have so much power over me, to make me feel an emotion that is so hateful and often irrational. I often feel guilty for feeling angry, which only worsens the burden. However, in order to gain control over emotions, you have to first accept and process them, making it possible to discuss them calmly. The feeling of anger in itself is not negative, but it is the behaviours that are attached to it.
I often struggle to know how I genuinely feel before I put it into words. I need to write, or even monologue to myself or someone else in order to understand how I feel. So, if you feel similarly to me, I would suggest writing all your thoughts down in a letter, or talking it through with yourself in the mirror. Scream, cry, laugh hysterically, press your pen hard down onto a page, scribble and end every sentence with five exclamation marks. But, don’t judge yourself.
Once you have processed your emotions, speaking about it will feel more manageable. It may be scary, but it is important to prioritise honesty over a fear of other people’s reactions. Telling the truth will not always equate to more conflict, rather, it opens up space for a discussion allowing issues to be worked through, rather than internalised. Previously, I have avoided conflict, and not fully said my piece due to a fear of losing that person. But, it is natural for people to come and go in life. Losing people hurts, but in most situations, openness and vulnerability will help this process be more manageable.
When confronting someone, it is important to be as authentic as possible, whilst maintaining compassion. Something I have learnt recently is to use ‘I’ statements rather than ‘you’ statements in situations involving conflict. For example, “It made me feel really embarrassed”, rather than “you embarrassed me.” Everyone makes mistakes, and although it can sometimes feel as if another person is intending to hurt or embarrass you, this is usually not the case, so accusing them may only create a hostile atmosphere. Conflict is not about winning or losing, it is about learning to understand one other, recognising potential faults, and reaching reconciliation.