I’m not writing this out of spite, or trying to win you back. I am writing this to officially and finally let go of all of the feelings I have kept. People say you never let something go until the day you put pen to paper, so this is it. I am writing this to help me let it all go, the memories; although some were great. I need to release and hopefully never think of what I’ve felt again. Once upon a time I loved you both and when things ended there was a lot of pain, so much. It doesn’t hurt anymore, but I need to say these things to get them of my chest and gone for good.
To the first boy I ever loved,
I don’t know if I would exactly say I was in love with you, I think maybe I loved the idea of you. My mom always told me your first love never leaves you. That you find yourself constantly thinking of them, even after everything that had happened. So maybe, I did love you once. All I know is that for all four years of high school my mind never ceased to bring you up. I know I loved the idea of you. You were “that guy”. The guy everyone knew and loved, or loved to hate. The point is you were the popular guy and well, I wasn’t anyone special. I was someone people knew but didn’t pay much attention too, but you did. I loved that you did. People gave me this clouded image of you, and I think that’s why everything got so twisted. People told me they’ve never seen you act the way you did around me with anyone else, that the things you said to me were the nicest things they ever heard you say. Oh, how great it was to be the center of your attention. I felt special. You made me feel special. You wanted me and only me.
After pinning over you for so long there came the point where you broke my heart. It shattered. I can’t describe the feeling, all I can say is I could literally feel my heart tearing apart piece by piece in my chest. I’ve never experienced true pain until that moment. You broke me. That sweet innocent girl everyone knew, that you admired, you made her feel empty. You made her never want to get out of bed again. You made her cry until she didn’t think she could cry anymore, but she always did. You made her shut down. You destroyed her.
You gave me anxiety. I got a prescription for it. I couldn’t walk down the hallways at school without feeling like my heart would burst out my chest. You gave me depression. I didn’t find enjoyment in the things I used to love anymore, I was drained. All because of you. It was the hardest time of my life thus far. I would never wish my panic attacks or months of crying upon my worst enemy; how could you give those to a girl you cared about? How could you damage a girl who would go to the ends of earth for you? A girl who wanted you despite your reputation? A girl who gave nothing but love to you? Although you brought me the worst pain in my entire life, I’m glad it happened. I’m glad I wasted those years on you instead of being caught up in college or in my late twenties. So, thank you. Thank you for teaching me that you are never the type of guy I should get involved with again, thank you for teaching me what to look out for in my next relationship, and thank you for helping me grow into the strong and powerful women I am today. I wouldn’t be here without you, so I guess you were useful. Also thank you for the tattoo. Revival. It’s placed on my wrist and whenever I see it I think of the time when I never thought things would get better. I think of the girl who I used to be and see where I am now. I had my revival and I can have another one, no matter what life throws at me I can revive.
To the second boy I’ve loved,
We’re still friends now, but it will never me the same between us. I think we both know that. Three years ago, it was going to be me, not her. I still think about the scenario where it would have been me. How happy I would have been to be dating my best friend, although I guess some things aren’t meant to be.
This is where I believe that timing is EVERYTHING. If we wouldn’t have fought, if we would have solved our issues sooner, if I never went to that party, If I never shut you out, but those are all what ifs. They all lead to that big what if, what if it would have been us?
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t look for you in the guys that I’ve met since I’ve come to college. You’re everything I want in a partner. Not specially in looks, but in the way that you are. The way you are with me. Its all about your goals and ambitions. How you always strive to be the best. You truly are the smartest guy I know, except for the part about letting me go! I love how even though you are one of the smartest people I know, you make me feel smart. I could never measure up to you but the very thought of you believing I am smart makes me smile. It’s in the way you can convince anyone on just about anything. It’s about the way you always know how to have fun or make people around you have fun. It’s the way you are with giving and helping people. It’s the way you care about your future and your family. Most importantly it’s how you cared about me.
I wish you all the best. There was a time when all I wanted was you, but now its time to move on. You deserve to be happy, and I do too. I know I’ll find a guy who makes me feel the same way you did; safe, happy, intelligent, and beautiful. I’ll always be your friend and I am content with that. So, if you ever find yourself on my doorstep at 2 in the morning, I would never hesitate to let you in with my arms wide open.
To the next boy I love,
Please be gentle with my heart. I have been through so much in my short time being alive. I just want you to be there for me, to hold me and have my back. I want you to respect my choices, and when I choose to be alone. I promise it won’t be because of you, I just have a lot of stuff going on mentally, so all I ask is you be supportive of that. Help me, as I will help you. I will be your biggest fan. I want to support you in whatever you chose to do.
I know we will have fights and there will be a time when we decide to call it quits, but for the time we are together I hope you put your all in because that is what I will do for you. I will respect you and love you with all that I have, so please be gentle with me. My biggest flaw is caring too much. I do not want to have a repeat of my first love. I want to have someone who worships me even on my bad days. I know there will be problems, everyone has them. We will disagree, but I want you to understand my thoughts and opinions without making me feel small or stupid, but most importantly I want us to be happy. I want us to grow together. To make some amazing memories, that even if it falls apart I could never hate you. That you will be the boy I tell my children about, the boy that I loved so much, and he loved me, even if we did not end up together.