As someone who is secretly very sensitive, American singer-songwriter Fiona Apple’s expression of emotion in her music makes me feel seen.
Apple’s music career started at 8 years old when she would get into arguments with her parents. She felt she could never get her point across, so she wrote her feelings down in letters she would read to them. Those letters turned into the lyrics for her songs, and she composed them using her piano skills from a young age. She even described her songs as an extension of her journal set to music.
I am good at feeling all my emotions but bad at expressing them. A lot of the important conversations I have had in my life were executed in the same way as Apple. I would write everything down in my journal, read it out loud and then hope it was taken well.
Being able to process and deal with my emotions has given me the ability to be emotionally mature, but for Apple, it earned her six Grammy awards and 15 nominations. Her first win was in 1998 for best female rock vocal performance for the song “Criminal.” More recently, in 2021, she won Best Rock Performance for the song “Shameika” and Best Alternative Music Album for “Fetch the Bolt Cutters.”
The honesty and emotion in her music have allowed her to take back her power and speak her mind despite major struggles throughout her life. Apple was raped when she was 12 and has been very honest about her experience in interviews and her music. She touches on her childhood trauma and reclaims the parts of herself stolen by her rapist in her first album, “Tidal.”
Reclaiming her power is very clearly the theme of the album, which came out when she was 18. The songs are a mix of emotions from experiences as a teenage girl.
I discovered her music at the perfect time when I felt like a pushover, where other people took advantage of my empathy. One of the first songs of hers that really resonated with me was “Get Gone” because of lyrics like “Fucking go / ‘Cause I’ve done what I could for you / And I do know what’s good for me.”
Despite Apple’s music career being very successful, her vulnerability has caused her to receive a large amount of backlash over the years, as most female artists (and women in general) do.
In 1997, SPIN released an issue with her face on the cover and inside, an unflattering article written by John Weir. He describes her as “a pop star trapped in the body of a pretty teenage girl” in the first paragraph.
The responses to the story were even worse in SPIN’s letters to the editor. One reader wrote, “Being a victim of rape is a trauma I would not wish on my worst enemy, but Fiona Apple’s over-the-top melodrama and self-absorption make it difficult to feel any sort of sympathy for her.” Another one wrote, “I am so tired of drama queens parading their woes under the public spotlight as if victimhood was a trendy fashion statement. Fiona is an embarrassment to other survivors of sexual abuse.”
Upset after reading these, Apple wrote the title of her second album, “When The Pawn…” The full title is a poem, “When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks Like A King What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight and He’ll Win the Whole Thing ‘fore He Enters the Ring There’s No Body to Batter When Your Mind is Your Might So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand and Remember That Depth Is the Greatest of Heights and If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where to Land and If You Fall It Won’t Matter, Cuz You’ll Know That You’re Right.”
The poem and album itself were a response to the hate she received for multiple things, including her VMA speech where she said, “This world is bullshit,” and emphasized “Go with yourself.” This album reinforces that idea completely as she sings almost with a vengeance.
“When the Pawn,” the poem and the album, are so important to me, as they remind me to stand up for myself and be sure of myself, no matter what people say or what I am going through.
Throughout the album, she reclaims words she has been called, specifically the word “crazy,” which Apple haters frequently call her for expressing strong emotions in her songs.
In “Fast As You Can,” she says, “Oh darling, it’s so sweet/ You think you know how crazy/ How crazy I am,” and in “Paper Bag,” she says, “And I went crazy again today.” These lyrics play into the idea that she is, in fact, crazy.
If she is crazy for feeling her emotions deeply and being able to express them, I do not want to be sane. It is so important to fight back against the stereotypes that belittle and harm people—primarily women—for being themselves. Women are not overly emotional for being outspoken and sensitive; they are more powerful than anyone who views being in touch with your emotions as a bad thing.