Another Friday night is spent in my bed, watching whatever new movie Netflix produced. I’m only half paying attention, though. It’s more of just background noise at this point. I’m more entertained by scrolling through my classmates’ Snapchat stories.
They’re all together in the popular one’s basement; posting drunk selfies and videos of them playing beer pong with music blasting in the background. It looks like everyone in my grade is there. Except me. I’m never invited; I don’t blame them, though. I spend every weekend the same way: alone. It’s even worse during the week. No one speaks to me in class; it’s so isolating. I wake up with a panic attack almost every morning, dreading the lonely school day ahead.
This was my high school experience in a nutshell. I never really fit in with anyone because I didn’t know who I was.
Going to a private school my entire life, I was put in a fishbowl with a particular group of kids. Privileged, ignorant and (there’s no excellent way to say this) boring. Everyone was kind of the same in one way or another: same social class, same beliefs, same political views…same dentist.
Saying I had a lack of diversity in my childhood and early teen years is an understatement in every way possible. Not only was there a lack of diversity within the group of kids I went to school with, but there was also a complete lack of diversity regarding self-expression, like what we could wear.
Wearing a uniform for the first 18 years of my life caused some severe damage. Studies even show that uniforms disrupt the process of self-expression in children. I had no concept of who I was, and I couldn’t dress for myself. From kindergarten to my senior year of high school, I wore my plaid skirt and a very unflattering white polo with preppy boat shoes.
However, August 2020 was my chance.
It was my chance to discover myself, my chance to make friends. I didn’t want to screw this up.
For the first time in my life, I was about to attend a public institution. Kent State University. I could finally wear what I want and be who I want.
A chance at independence and self-expression. Finally.
When I first moved into my dorm, I had little clothing items representing my identity, but that’s because I was still figuring that part out. It was quite convenient that Kent State is one of the country’s best fashion schools, so it didn’t take long for me to get some inspiration from simply walking around campus.
As for making friends, it suddenly seemed like the easiest thing in the world. For once, I wasn’t surrounded by a group of kids with the same values and beliefs. Everyone was different. And that was okay. It was more than okay…it was cool.
Growing up in a small town and attending a private school, I’d be made fun of for some of the things I’ve started to wear or the people I’ve started to hang out with. But it doesn’t matter here. I can be myself here.
Within just a month of being in college, I already began seeing changes in myself in the best way possible. I had a solid group of friends who helped me discover more about myself, and I started compiling a new wardrobe that reflected my recent change.
Throughout high school, I always thought I was the problem, that I was the reason I felt so inadequate to everyone and everything around me. I’ve come to realize that I wasn’t the problem; it was the environment I was put in. I didn’t belong with those people or in that place, and that’s okay.
As I approach the end of my junior year of college, I reflect on my high school experience calling it my “plaid skirt days.” The days of monotonous school uniforms and self-pity. Once I left my plaid skirt days and the people that came with it, I was finally able to be myself. The version of Grace that was confident, weird, witty and intelligent completely and unapologetically me.
I don’t sit in my bed alone on Friday nights anymore.
I don’t envy others’ fun, I have my own.