I do not want to hear, “I don’t care if I finish,” or anything like that. Finishing, or in other words, cumming, is crucial. Crucial may seem like a harsh word to some of you because, well, as women we have grown accustomed to not cumming with a partner or god forbid, at all. I have been talking to some of my friends about our current sexual encounters and while we are getting into the nitty-gritty of it I tend to ask if they came. Sometimes there’s a normal response of, “oh yeah.” But other times…everyone looks at me like I brought up such a taboo topic.
Or better yet there is a panic response of, “oh, um yeah?” Like no girl, you’d know.
It should be assumed that a woman came, just like it’s assumed that a man came.
For women, cumming tends to be driven mentally rather than physically, we are taking a lot of things into account. Are you comfortable? Sometimes you could be distracted. How do you feel about this person?
From personal experience, I came quicker around someone that was a hookup compared to someone with who I was experiencing something new with or someone I had romantic feelings for. I tend to get nervous, sometimes I get hyper-aware of my insecurities.
I can not tell you how many times I haven’t been able to cum due to being tired or highly emotional. I mean, there have been days (unfortunately) that I simply could not finish.
However, not cumming or finishing shouldn’t be embarrassing. Everyone is different, cliche but so true. What may work for your friend may not work for you and that’s okay! But that doesn’t mean giving up on trying.
It’s almost Valentine’s Day girls, gays and theys, it’s time to help you cum.
Up a litte, down a little, a little to the right
Sound familiar? If so, YAY! You are practicing communication during sex and demonstrating your priority to finish. If not, let’s talk about it.
Okay so, in sex communication is insanely important. It shouldn’t just be about pleasing the other person and their needs, but it is important to make sure that you are having a good time whether you are the one giving or receiving. I tend to say to my friends if you feel like you can’t talk to them about do’s and don’ts of your body or what your special pleasure or kinks are, should you even be having sex with them?
Let’s talk about oral sex for example.
Let’s say your partner is going down on you, and it’s not good, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they are bad at it or can’t become better at it. It just takes communication, trying new things and learning each other’s bodies.
Your partner may have more or less experience than you do, but that doesn’t matter. They could have one signature move that has worked on every single other partner, but not on you. That doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you or them, it’s just time to learn each other’s bodies.
In personal experience with oral sex with both men and women, I just do different techniques until I see a positive physical response, whether that’s heavier breathing or moaning, lip biting or muscle tension.
Now let me make one thing clear, trying new things has to involve passion and participation. If they are trying something new on you, but aren’t showing an interest in trying or truly listening to you, it’s most likely not going to be good. That in itself sounds like a big enough problem.
Opening up to a new partner or even your current partner can be scary. You don’t want to hurt any feelings, been there, done that. But I promise you, it’s worth it. Let’s remember sex is not only healthy for relationships (including the relationship with yourself) but it is supposed to be pleasurable.
The more you try and communicate, the more you’ll learn about yourself and your partner.
Before you know it the hesitations go away and the orgasms are here to stay.
“i can’t finish, should i fake it?” No.
Again, it’s okay if you can’t finish but that doesn’t mean you should fake it. Good or bad, faking it is not the answer.
Let’s say hypothetically you continue hooking up with the same person you faked an orgasm with, they are most likely going to keep doing the same techniques on you that they thought made you finish last time. This does nothing for either person. Well, there is the possibility of falsely inflating an ego but I digress.
Trust me, I understand how bad it can be and truly, it could just be that you simply aren’t sexually compatible.
I will never forget one of my worst sexual encounters was with a guy who knew NOTHING about female anatomy. I tried being gentle with suggestions and guiding his hand to the proper spot, but yet it didn’t work. I remember thinking “Oh My God. This is why women fake orgasms.” I was disappointed, but I didn’t fake it.
Have fun learning your body
Before you can tell your partner what to do to you, you have to have an idea of what you favor or what don’t you care for.
Do you like multi-stimulation?
Do you need it to be light and gentle or a little pressure and fast?
Knowing your own body will help you connect with yourself and help your partner learn your body better.
Masturbation has many benefits: reducing stress, better sleep, releasing sexual tension and improving self-esteem.
I recommend making a night out of it. Through this article, I have mentioned masturbation and sex as being self-care…because it is!
On a night that you are going to spend time with yourself, what it is you do to help you unwind? Try to incorporate masturbation and take your time on yourself.
From who I’ve talked to, several people do it before they go to bed or before they shower, but you could try it in the morning? Or before dinner? Or after homework? It’s honestly up to you, there are no rules!
Need an extra hand?
This Valentine’s Day take control of your sex life. Bring a little fun into the bedroom with your partner or wrap up a self-care night using sex toys.
I only have two small vibrators but I have been looking into options. In regards to figuring out what you are looking for, I recommend reading 41 Best Vibrators for Women, According to Very Happy Customers or checking out bboutique.com. Bboutique.com is an online sex shop that has numerous sex toys for various kinds of sex, there is definitely bound to be one that will help you on your journey to a fulfilling sex life!
In case you aren’t interested in the searching process, I have found a couple with satisfying reviews, multiple features and price ranges.
- plusone vibrating bullet
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I personally own this one and I love it! It is only $10.00 and you can find it at your local Walmart, Target or Walgreens.
This bullet vibrator is charger operated, has multiple vibrations to give you different intensity options. I think this is a wonderful beginner vibrator.
The product is discreet, travel friendly but unfortunately, it can be a little on the noisier side.
However, for 10 bucks, it’s extremely worth it.
- Gigi 2
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They call this the Shiver Maker by Lelo and it is currently on sale for $119, originally retailing for $149.
This is a multi-functional vibrator both for solo sex and partnered sex!
The GIGI 2 is a G-spot and clitoral messager. You’d be set up with four control buttons to customize your experience. There is a flattened tip that allows you or your partner to get an easy reach on the right spot-The G-Spot.
- Womanizer Pro 40
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This is purely for clitoral stimulation. I have heard from multiple people about how this does wonders! They can’t give you head? Don’t worry, the Womanizer can. You can purchase this toy on Womanizer.com or on Amazon.
Typically this product is around $13 (ranges on different versions of this product) but is currently on Amazon for $69! The Womanizer Pro 40 uses air pressure technology with six different intensity levels.
Sex is trial and error and this shouldn’t be taken too seriously. Having sex with a partner or solo is thrilling, so just have fun with it.
Valentine’s Day is cumming, and so should you!