My whole life I have been a slave to the grueling built-in schedule of school. Each day, waking up and instantly planning my day around how much work I can squeeze into my mere 24 hour day all with enough time to sleep and do it all again in the morning. I’ve bought so many planners, to do lists and calendars all as a means to speed up my “productivity” and knock out as much tasking work till my body simply succumbs to sleep.
I’ve been known to feel guilty when I feel as though my day hasn’t been “as productive as it should have been” or I didn’t check every last thing off my to-do list. But in reality all of this mind numbing note taking, lecture watching and studying wasn’t fulfilling me or bringing me any sort of satisfaction. And of course I do not expect school work to bring me a copious amount of joy, but I feel as though if I am filling my day with all of these tasks and going to school to eventually work in the area I am studying I should at least have some semblance of pleasure in doing so.
I started journaling a while back to get to the bottom of why I feel so down on myself when I don’t deem the day “productive.” First, I think it stems from America’s grueling and relentless ideals of “living to work” pushing our capitalist agenda of working ourselves to line the pockets of the rich and rest when we are dead. Attempting to undo the outlook that my only purpose is to work has been hard to unpack and deconstruct. These standards and concepts are bleak and can be depressing so I tried to steer away from trying to tackle that larger picture because it would only frustrate me. I began to look inward on my immediate responses to not feeling productive. I had the mindset that I must punish myself for not being on top of every task I have on my list. I tried to redirect those thoughts into something more proactive and helpful to my mental state while keeping in mind that I do have tasks that must be done in certain deadlines. Trying to balance these two concepts was difficult but I have come to what I think is the best solution for myself.
I began seeing my time as valuable because I am worthy of the time being given to me. Meaning that I can fill my 24 hours with things that bring me joy, while also doing the things I am responsible for and if that means something slips, I won’t punish myself. Instead, I will reevaluate how I am allocating my time to best fit my personal needs. Feeling like I got tasks that need to be checked off does make me feel good but when too much pressure is applied to them, I feel overwhelmed and get frustrated with my inability to get them done in a timely manner. So instead of putting so much pressure on them, I see them as simply places in my day that can take a little bit of effort that may not in the moment seem enjoyable but are going to feel good once they are finished and if they are not finished, it is not a reflection on my worthiness–it is simply a sign that I need to reassess how I have the rest of my week set out. With the faith in myself that I will get things done while also having time to decompress and do things I enjoy, I put less pressure on the idea of being “productive.” Instead, I am aware that the most important thing is that each day is filled with things that are pleasurable while still working towards my goals.
Overall, this mindset has made me so much happier day to day. I now see my work as something that I can set intentions for and work at my own pace because I trust myself that I am weighing my days not in their level of “productivity” per say but more so priding myself in allowing myself to do things that bring me joy. I now see my work as something intentional and purposefully rather than another thing off the list.