With over 7 billion people in the world, what are the odds that the one meant for you is in the same place as you? They aren’t so big, and this reasoning may explain why long-distance relationships are so common. A 2005 study suggests that up to 75% of college students have been in a long-distance relationship. At Kenyon College where most students hail from outside Ohio, we can only assume this number is the same (if not higher). When students come to a college from another state, going home for the summer oftentimes means separating from their significant other.
My partner and I have been together for a year and have been living in separate places for most of the time. Long distance was a terrifying idea at first—we hadn’t planned on it, but due to circumstances out of our control we faced being geographically separated for months (longer than the school breaks we were used to). We loved each other a lot and wanted to try, so we decided to. That was seven months ago, and we’re still going strong.
I wouldn’t consider myself an expert in long-distance relationships by any means, but I’d like to think I’ve learned a few things along the way. I’m sharing the biggest things I do in my relationship that I think others who live far away from their partners could benefit from:
- Always have a countdown.
There are enough uncertainties that come with being in a long-distance relationship. Why add when you’re going to see your partner next to the list? Without a concrete date (or at least a rough timeline) for when you’ll see your partner next, you may not be able to look forward to seeing them in person. After I see my partner in person, we make sure to have an idea of when we’ll see each other next. It eliminates uncertainty and instills excitement in both partners. If you can’t visit your partner often, having an end date for your long distance is helpful too. Even if it’s a few years in the future, it’s better than not knowing when you’ll be in person with your partner at all!
- Don’t text all day.
When you aren’t able to give your partner in-person life updates, it might be tempting to shoot them multiple texts throughout the day chronicling your events. Don’t. Once you do get a chance to talk to them over the phone, you won’t have anything to talk about—and nothing is worse than staring at someone over a FaceTime call. When I call my partner, we catch each other up on what we’ve been up to first. The catch-up itself often can lead to tangent conversations that make you (almost) forget your partner isn’t right next to you. This type of communication fosters an environment where partners keep each other involved in their lives because they want to, not just because they feel obligated to.
- Take advantage of virtual dates.
One amazing thing that has come out of the COVID-19 pandemic is the sheer amount of virtual activities we now have access to. If you can’t be next to your partner, technology has made it so you don’t have to be. Try Teleparty, a chrome extension that allows you to watch shows and movies on your favorite streaming service and comment on them in real-time with others. Movie night not your thing? With a Minecraft server, you can play one of the most popular video games today with your partner and slay monsters remotely (or build a cute cottage, if you’re like my partner and me). There are even online escape rooms you can play with others if you’re feeling more puzzle-oriented.
- Learn your partner’s love language and how to speak it.
Dr. Gary Chapman’s theory of the five love languages is growing in popularity lately, and for good reason. The five languages are physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, gift receiving, and acts of service. He argues that each person has a primary love language—that is, a main way they like to feel loved. It is very important to know your partner’s love language and how to speak it (because it may not be yours!). For example, my partner’s love languages are physical touch and quality time. Since physical touch is hard to achieve in a long-distance relationship, I bought us these Bond Touch bracelets which allow us to send vibrations to each other’s bracelets through Bluetooth. I also try to make time for a couple virtual dates each week. My love languages are acts of service and words of affirmation, so my partner will often try to take things off of my to-do list and verbally affirm me. I can’t imagine what my relationship would be like without this knowledge of how we both like to be shown love. Loving your partner in the way they are most receptive to is not only important for them, but for you too; when someone feels loved, they may feel more likely to reciprocate that affection.
- Be honest and straightforward.
This sounds like a no-brainer for any relationship (and it is), but it is especially important in a long-distance relationship. Communicate what you need to your partner early and as often as you want to. Do you need to hear from them more? Tell them that you appreciate whenever they take time out of their day to talk to you. Do you have a busy day and you won’t be able to answer your phone? Shoot your partner a text telling them when you’ll be back. Beating around the bush or lying will just end in frustration and resentment from both sides. When you’re honest, it encourages your partner to be honest too.
With all of these survival tips said and done, it’s important to remember that while long-distance relationships seem impossible to maintain, they aren’t. However, it’s no easy feat. Always remember to be your most present self wherever you are located; if you take care of yourself, it’ll make a long-distance relationship so much easier. Don’t neglect your hobbies and day-to-day life by constantly living in a waiting period. You would want your partner to go about their daily activities, so what’s different about you?
Long-distance relationships only work when both partners are willing to put in the work (but when you truly love somebody, it isn’t work at all). Love is not negated by geographical location. With the right amount of trust, patience, and communication, distance truly can make the heart grow fonder.