13 Ways NOT to Spend Your Summer

Has that summer fever caught up to you yet? Do you smell the fresh cut grass and the lemonade? Are your fingers tingling with the anticipation of sprinting on the beach: ass in the sand, feet in the water, head tipped to the blazing sun? Do you close your eyes and see twinkling stars and midnight boat rides, the most amazing summer of your life with your very best friends in the world at your side? Are your daydreams a hazy mixture of ghost stories and camping and s’mores and all the things you’re going to do this summer rolled into one?

LOL – mine aren’t.

My summer, ladies and gentlemen, is far from low-intensity.

Calculus 2 courses. Biology Lab work at the University of Minnesota, Twin Cities.

Whoop.

It’s not that I’m not excited for the opportunities. It would be unappreciative to not be grateful for the opportunities I’ve been given. But while everyone else may be tanning luxuriously on the beaches of the French Riviera, I’ll be repping the pale over there next to that E.coli plate.

I think we can all agree that summer is absolutely necessary after these long last few months of suffocating schoolwork. Yet, it sometimes seems that summer is always so much anticipation for days spent in the sun, but is actually, a series of days spent in a sort of sweaty, lathargic, dusty haze. At least for me. A lot of college students spend their summer amping up their resumes for that not-so-distant, hovering future of actual responsibility and adulthood. But it’s summer, you worked all year, and you owe yourself some fun. Sure, there are those crazy nights when you feel the warmth of the breeze on your skin and the emotions you hope will last forever as you look on at the moon and that hot guy next to you out on a boat in the middle of a glittering lake. But somehow, the majority of the time I always find myself slacking on the couch in a pair of ratty pajama bottoms, smoothie in my hair and boredom on my mind as the clock inches towards 7 pm. And not to mention those great times when the only thing getting you through the long day of fetching coffee or attending classes is remembering those plans to go out for drinks or dinner you have. But once you’re home and showered, the plans disintegrate and it looks like you have a steamy night with Netflix ahead of you. Yet it could be worse…way, way worse…

So here it is: the 13 worst ways to spend your summer.

1. Sitting on the couch like a total potato…

 and gaining back that weight you promised yourself was gone every time you walked back from the KAC, post-workout sweat glistening on your toned arms. Remember that? Do yourself a favor: Go to the gym. You want to still be a sexy fox come those classy Old Kenyon lounge parties in the Fall. 

2. Hanging out with people you hate from high school.

It’s funny to think that you once were friends. But now they’re just friends of friends and somehow you ended up with them at Perkins at 2am on a random Thursday night.

3. Drinking with kids that are still in high school.

No offense, but you won’t be that “cool” college kid who brings vodka to a high school party. You’ll be that weirdo college kid who tries to party with sophomores in high school. Time to move on.

4. Stalking your ex-boyfriend

Trust me, bad idea – so obviously a bad idea. But if you just “happen” to show up at his little brother’s away soccer game, at least make sure you’re looking sexy. This is how my best friend looks every time

5. Being stuck in your hometown while everyone else is gone.

Put on a dress, have a drink and pretend for five seconds that the Olive Garden is actually Italy and you’re not wasted and alone, eating breadsticks.

6. Sizing bras for saggy, elderly women

It could be worse – you could be sizing bras for saggy old men…

7. Cleaning bedpans at the hospital when you thought you were the candy striper.

Sorry, no solution for this. Go home, kick up your feet and watch Downton Abbey while drinking wine and wondering if that urine smell really stuck to your clothes or you’re just imagining things.

8.Nanny to the devils down the street

They better have a pool.

9. Spending all summer getting coffee for the boss who still calls you Betty even though your name is Laura

Maybe he has a hot son. Hey, things do work out like that sometimes. (Or even better – he’s hot and he has a Mad Men sort of thing going on).

10. Dodging your dad’s slutty girlfriend and her kids.

In my case, I make up for this by spending lots of money on useless things and avoiding my house at certain hours at all costs.

11. Eternal grad party hopping

It may seem okay, even fun, at first. But then you’re nauseous and sweaty and realize you’ve eaten fourteen cookies and you’re leaving butt sweat on your friend’s leather car seats. Trust me, if you skip that neighbor’s friend’s cousin’s grad party, you’re not missing anything.

12. Having to drive your younger siblings around in YOUR car

Solution: Take the car with you to college next year. Suck on that little bro.

13. Talking to your cat and only your cat for days on end

Live it up. Fluffy just wants to be your best friend – let her. At least she doesn’t act like this.