5 Tips for Being a Good Ally

In case you missed it, the 45th President of the United States was inaugurated last Friday. For millions of people in this country, January 20, 2017, will forever be a day of mourning—a day that represents the culmination of the fear that wracked them on November 8, 2016, when Donald Trump became President-elect. In and amongst this fear and profound sadness, however, there needs to be a desire to stand with those that will be disproportionately marginalized, discriminated against, and disregarded by the current administration. Everyone and anyone can be an ally.

My younger sister Molly is a member of the LGBTQ community and I have learned some very valuable lessons from her. Talking with her has given me a more complete picture of what it means to be an ally—there are things I can do and say that will help in the fight for continued equality, as well as things I can stop doing and saying that will help to eliminate harmful stereotypes and derogatory notions. Here are a few of the things I’ve learned from Molly about being a good ally. While I’ve learned them in the context of being a straight ally for the LGBTQ community, I believe they can be applicable to any group.

Shut up and listen.

I tried to find a more eloquent way to say this, but the Princess of Genovia’s best friend, Lilly Moscovitz, just says it the best. But seriously, shut up and listen. Pay attention to your friend when they tell you what pronouns they want you to use or what words or phrases they want you to stop using. Sometimes you can ask questions—asking why a specific word or phrase is offensive is totally okay, just make sure that you do it respectfully and in a way that is knowledge-seeking, not defensive. The etymology of a word is powerful; once you know the connotation or original meaning of a word, it can really change the way you think about it. But the bottom line is, if your friend asks you to stop using it because it’s offensive, that should be reason enough to stop.

Check your privilege.

Okay, so this phrase might be overused, but it’s so, so important. As an ally, it is implicit that you have some amount of privilege that your friend does not. When you recognize that you are afforded different treatment from your friend because of your skin color, sexual orientation, gender, religion, disability, or socioeconomic status, you are more able to be an effective force for positive change. Privilege is a funny thing because until we recognize it, it can be a real barrier when it comes to being an ally. By acknowledging your privilege to your friend, you acknowledge that you benefit from a system that discriminates against them, which opens up doors for you to help change that system.

Get acquainted with intersectionality.

One of the problems with our society is that we like categorization. We define things as this and not that, we have boxes that need to be checked for nearly every aspect in life, from buying a new phone to applying to college, and we don’t like it when things don’t fit neatly into our categories. The thing is, no person fits perfectly into a single category. Everyone is this and that and that other thing and the thing over there, too. That’s where intersectionality comes into play.

Your friend could be a part of more than one group that experiences systematic oppression or discrimination: let’s say your friend is a member of the LGBTQ community. They face discrimination in certain religious spheres, as well as government aid and benefits. Now, let’s suppose your friend is also a POC. Their skin color adds another dimension of discrimination because they are obviously different. Finally, let’s say your friend also uses a powerchair to get around. Along with another obvious difference, there will be places your friend cannot go simply because that place lacks the proper accessibility protocol. Recognizing intersectionality is so important when you’re an ally because it allows you not only to be a better ally to your friend, but also helps you tune into the different levels of marginalization that many people gloss over or ignore.

Get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

It can be difficult at first to be an ally because being an ally forces you to recognize that you, in some way, benefit from a system that discriminates against others. It forces you to be open to receiving criticism and guidance from your friends, which can embarrass you or make you feel badly, even if it’s meant in the most gentle way. At some point, you’re going to slip up and make a mistake and you’re going to feel pretty awful about it. Do you feel uncomfortable about the fact that you’ve been using a word with a questionable origin? Good, that means you’re doing it right.

Get vocal.

Remember when I told you to check your privilege? Recognizing that you have privilege comes with the added responsibility of using it wisely. Do your part to create positive discourse among your friends, discourage derogatory and inflammatory language, and create more allies. Post positive stories on social media and draw attention to blatant discrimination, too. Use your voice to enact a positive change and be a good ally for your friends.

As our nation enters an uncertain time, allies can play a critical part in helping to make sure that our friends, family members, coworkers, neighbors, and fellow humans are afforded all of the rights and privileges that this country has to offer. Edmund Burke said that “the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” Let’s remember to stand up for what we believe.

Image credit: NBC/Pinterest/Matt Hardy

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