Due to some recent events on campus where people displayed their false ideas of women’s struggles and experiences, we’ve decided to debunk everything dudes are thinking. That’s right, folks: we’re giving you the 411 on your girlfriend and why she does what she does.*
*This assumes that everyone is in a heterosexual relationship, which of course everyone is not. But for all intents and purposes, and for this satirical piece, we are assuming everyone IS in a heterosexual relationship—look, ma, I’m just like the majority of Congress now! I automatically assume everyone is straight!
Periods aren’t real.
That’s right. Menstruating people don’t go through a stressful hell process of bleeding out of our bodies every month! Who would EVER put up with that shit? Not me! Haha! Periods are actually an excuse for girlfriends to boss their baes around for a week and ask for chocolate and ice cream runs. Period cramps also aren’t real—it’s just an excuse to stay in bed all day, silly!
Everything women do to a man is to get to him to tell her that she’s “crazy.”
Once a woman is told she is crazy by a desired male, her soul transcends this earthly realm and becomes a pure ball of sexual energy.
Once a month, all women suck the life force out of a really shitty man.
“I pulled an all nighter and drank four Red Bulls” is code for “I was up feasting on weak men, in order to grow stronger to protect my sisters.” We women select these certain men based on how badly they treat women, and then we just suck the life force outta them, ya know? Sooo cute! Thankfully, the men we choose don’t realize what’s happened—they just wake up the next day with what feels like a hangover, or the swine flu. So the next time your girlfriend tells you “I just can’t hang out, babe,” you’ll KNOW that she’s actually feasting on Dave from your English class who’s been giving you weird vibes since the beginning of the semester.
We only take birth control to strengthen our powers.
For women who can have kids, birth control isn’t actually about regulating hormones and not trying to have babies. It’s to get our hormones flowing so we can more easily access our powers. Yeah, you heard me: our powers. Every woman is a witch. The minute anyone identifies as a woman, they automatically become a witch. I’m not kidding. Look it up, dummy.
Book clubs and sororities are cover-ups for witch covens.
That’s right, dudes: we don’t actually meet to discuss 50 Shades (that shit is 50 shades of something I don’t want to read). We meet to cast spells, brew potions, and wear pointy hats. Sorority letters are to identify different covens, and all sorority houses have AT LEAST one cauldron room.
“I’m fine” always means something is monumentally wrong, because a woman never speaks the truth.
Our central aim in life is to repress the truths of others, and this is why we’re so emotionally up and down all the time. We’re trying to confuse you! It’s part of our magical ways of putting up a front so that you’re so concerned with how we feel, that you never suspect we’re using your old beer to brew potions downstairs!
Women are always asking you questions because they’re laughing at you because you’re always wrong.
You see, we’re really used to getting what we want because society has always favored us, so we shut down anybody who thinks differently from us. We specifically like to tell them that they’re wrong for existing, loving the people they love, and making choices about their own bodies. Don’t take it wrong—we’re just doing what we want to do!
Now you know everything you need to know about women. We really aren’t that complicated! We just want happiness and love and the ability to express what we think. I’m sure you can understand that.