This article is part of our “Cupid at Kenyon” series, in which our writers talk about Valentine’s Day.
Valentine’s Day: the time of year when people forget it’s cold and flu season and go HAM trying to make tongue-on-tonsil contact over a pile of Bookstore chocolates or whateverthefuck. Valentine’s Day is stupid, we all say, but when Chad from Macro who we made out with at a party last weekend slips us a cheesy homemade card with a Peirce tater triangle taped inside, we lose our damn minds. For those of us in relationships, every year it’s the same: “Babe, you don’t have to make a big deal out of Valentine’s this year, I just want to spend time with you”—then they don’t make a big deal out of it and you’re salty for no reason.
Readers of Her Campus Kenyon, I would like to propose that this year, we take a new stance on the horror that is Valentine’s Day. With the tactics I list below, my goal is to only show love to my DAMN self. Feel free to join me.
1. Take a soothing bath—on a college budget!
Look, I’m sure no one would mind if you give this one a go in Mather or McBride. (It’s not like those tubs can get any nastier!) Here’s what I recommend to give yourself a romantic, Valentine’s Day bath, sans-partner, not-really-poor-college-kid-but-pretending-
to-fit-the-stereotype-style: Just tear little bits off of the first essay you got back this semester—that you totally deserved at least a B on but somehow ended up with a D—and use those instead of rose petals. When you close your eyes and let your hands float through the water, it’ll feel just like the real thing. No time to run to the LUSH in Columbus before Valentine’s Day? Just use a pack (or multiple packs) of ramen like a bath bomb! If bath bombs aren’t your thing, you can use that milk in that’s been in the back of your mini-fridge since October (because you told yourself you were going to start getting up early on weekends to have a nice cereal breakfast in your room, but now it’s February and you’re still sleeping past noon. Every. Single. Saturday.) as a soothing—if chunky—addition to the warm water.
2. Buy yourself some cute undies.
Feeling shitty about yourself for not having a date V-Day weekend? Have no fear—just make your way over to the Rue 21 of Mount Vernon, located conveniently on Coshocton Avenue and home to many-a-pair of cheap, attractive undergarments. I know, I know, you haven’t shopped there since you were like, twelve. Me neither. Except for when I go in to buy underwear, which, as an impulse buyer who also uses shopping as a perhaps unhealthy coping mechanism, happens way more often than you might think. Whenever I’m down, I just march through the doors of that Rue 21, past the suburban moms and raccoon-eyelinered preteens, right to the back of the store where they keep these huge tubs of underwear and proceed to wipe my tear-filled eyes on the cheap, polyester fabric. My personal favorite is a nice boyshort just because there’s more material and therefore more absorbency for my tears, but anything will do. I just wouldn’t recommend a thong, because those are more elastic than anything else. Then, of course, you have to buy whatever undies you choose, because of “damaging the merchandise” or some shit like that.
3. Enjoy the weekend sober.
Not only will this save you from drunk-texting your ex to see if they want a Valentine’s hookup, but it will also make it so much easier for you to sit and really think about how alone you are! My therapist says acceptance is the first step to healing—so feel free to really wallow in your own painfully sober sadness. If your roommate comes in with some disgustingly sweet pink box wine for you to share, simply send her out with the words, “Not now, Patricia, can’t you see I’m contemplating dropping out to become a nun so that at least Jesus will be my boyfriend?” Bonus points for throwing a small but not harmful object at her, like your phone or a guinea pig. This is your time to take a deep breath, watch all the people walking by your window on their way to parties you weren’t invited to, and accept that you’ll be alone forever.
4. Hit up clearance sales after the fun is all over.
Because the CVS clerk is barred from commenting on your purchases when you walk up to the register with five heart-shaped boxes of Ghirardelli chocolate and a stuffed R2-D2 with the words “You’re the Obi-Wan for me” printed across his body, dark circles under your puffy eyes, you can rest easy knowing that no one will (openly) say anything judgemental. As a person disappointed by Valentine’s Day over and over and over again, I can confirm that this is a tried-and-true method of catharsis. There’s nothing quite like shoving calories you don’t need into a mouth hole that hasn’t been kissed in God knows how long.
I hope my tips help you have a better V-Day than you’ve had in years past. You deserve it. Here’s to loving ourselves and hating Valentine’s Day!