Listen, February, you have to admit it–you are the worst month of the year. We are not trying to upset you, but have you ever wondered why you have the least number of days? If you need an example, just look at how many fake holidays like President’s weekend or Groundhog Day we have just to force us feel some sense of whimsy during these 28 days! We’re sure you’ve heard this line before, February, the ‘it’s not you it’s us.’ But it’s true, you witness us at our lowest: New Year’s resolutions worn off, drowning in Awards season and knitwear (or is that just our unshaven legs?), we are ashamed and disgruntled to go out in public.
Valentine’s Day was a nice gesture, Febs (can I call you Febs?), but it only benefits a target audience of Katherine Heigl and her clean-and-collared plus one. Seriously, how do you enjoy V-Day when you are either single, unhappy in your relationship or stuck in South-Central Ohio?! We’ve got you covered with ways to make your Valentine’s both the hot date you never dreamed of and the tools to fly the holiday solo at the well-stocked and ever-classy CVS (eh, it’s better than Staples). This place has never failed us in the past, and certainly lives up to its reputation this time.
Scenario #1. If You Have that Special Someone…
As Annie has never had an actual Valentine save her grandmother slipping a fiver into a heart infested greeting card (also available at CVS!!!) her responses for this scenario may be a little far fetched. But one thing we both know is that things with words like “penetrating deep moisture” set the mood. Cosmo told me so. For example, a suggestion: hop into the shower, and use the tropical scents of your sexy soap to enact a role play in which you and your partner are Indiana Jones type explorers bathing in the sensual hot springs of Costa Rica. Every time an unsuspecting bathroom go-er flushes the toilet and the water turns boiling, melting off a layer of skin, you can pretend it is the angry indigenous God reprimanding you for bringing your Western ways to the sacred rainforest paradise! If you do choose to get it on in the shower, if that’s what you’re into, please, remember condoms and shower shoes—no one wants to be “that girl” with syphilis and Athlete’s Foot!
You just stick that where you want to. L’Chaim.
If you feel weird engaging in a little V-Day “Afternoon Delight” on that memory foam mattress topper Mom gave you on move-in day but don’t want to transition to the floor (I mean when was the last time you vacuumed? You better be ready for Goldfish crumbs to get in some weird places), opt for the ‘As Seen on TV’ My Pillow! If Inventor/Manufacturer Michel J. Lindell’s majestic ‘stache and possessive, yet sensitive hold [pictured on box] does not get you aroused, I don’t know what will. In that case, you are obviously well past my help. Just stop reading now. It’s not worth it.
When Forrest Gump famously remarked how life is “like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get,” what he really meant is that life is a paradise of erotic desires that you should put in your mouth. Chocolate is an aphrodisiac, so allow you and your special one to fully explore this box. Perhaps hide the guide and play a game I like to call ‘Strip Chocolates,’ which I will explain with this dialogue sample: “Wait, it’s not almond nougat? Oh, well, here goes my bra…”
Scenario #2: If you need some distance from your special someone…
Sometimes, relationships can be a little one-sided, and partners come on too strong. However, at least the situation has not reached Scenario #3 levels of desperation yet. Here are some suggestions from your local CVS on how to be there without being there. Pictures speak louder than words, and abbreviations speak even louder, so when you don’t want to take it to the next level but also don’t want to be alone, send your complicated statements via these chocolate boxes that clearly define the ‘friendzone’!
Here in Gambier, Ohio, we have all walks of life. For the ladies who have spent a long day re-shoeing the llamas, grading Scantron sheets, or trying to get the stupid “cha2pr2” at the library to spit out a copy of Chaucer’s “Wife of Bath” without making R2D2 orgasm noises. If you just want to some time to relax alone, Simply say the words “Cornhuskers lotion” to a significant other, and I guarantee recoiling and automatic dismissal. To be fair, we have no idea what the lotion smells like, but can only guess that it would remind us of hay rides…
Lastly, while we’re on the topic of “automatic dismissal,” if you need to get your fiber in (therefore requiring some alone time), choose nature’s candy. Perhaps include your special someone by molding your prunes into heart shapes and feeding them to each other, whilst washing it down with Metamucil in wine glasses. You might be staying in tonight, but the contents of your stomach are goin’ out!
Scenario #3. If you ( have no special someone) are a strong, independant woman…
As a wise woman once said, “what happens at a Me Party stays at a Me Party–” a fail-proof philosophy to Sarah lives by, and also, coincidentally, what Annie has tattooed on her lower back. If you’re running low on ideas for what to get the one you love for Valentine’s Day, CVS is there for you. First step is to get gussied up for that special someone (you). There may not be a lot of options in the wardrobe section of CVS (unless you’re into bedazzled Mount Vernon shirts, which we may be…), but they’ve got you covered with the number one staple: pajama pants. However, these are not just pants for sleeping. You never know when someone’s plans will fall through and he or she will call you up mid-27 Dresses. With pajama jeans, you can leap out of your snuggie within minutes (depending on the degree of entanglement), appearing prepared but not desperate. “Oh, these old things?”
Now, if you’re feeling all dressed up for nothing, it’s time to get yourself that special someone. Luckily, CVS has plenty of cuddle buddies on hand for this steamy holiday. Now stop touching your triceratops pillow like that. NO–THE HORN DOES NOT GO THERE.
If you’re planning on spending that me-time wisely, why not do your Professors proud and get some studying done? CVS boasts plenty of top-notch Valentine’s Day themed reading materials, so get out your reading list. “Cat Lover’s Devotional”? Check. “Wyoming Bride” and about nine hundred other Harlequins plastered with anonymous-sex-appeal-dripping-gentlemen canoodling puffy-sleeved-baby-faced-milkmaids? Definite check. And then there’s the pick-your-own romances, AKA the magazine rack. Be your desires of the Ben Affleck persuasion, One Direction, or if you share our (Sarah’s) personal affinity for the Shire, CVS has got your fangirling study materials ready and waiting.
And finally, to immortalize this most momentous of Me Parties, buy yourself a picture frame. CVS sells a special variety that already comes with your special love inside. You guessed it. Chocolate.
If you are wondering what the authors’ plans are, we’ll be watching One Direction music videos, eating a chocolate from our box each time we feel ashamed or aroused. Happy Valentine’s.