This week, we decided to shake things up a bit and have popular characters, political figures, and hobbits answer questions sent in by y’all. Our first victim was none other than Donald Trump, who now has access to America’s nuclear codes…and the answers to your relationship troubles.
Dear 3 Wheels,
My bae isn’t as, um, attentive as they used to be, and I’m feeling that the relationship is dying. Whenever we hang out, I feel that they’re not 100% “with it” and that they’d rather be somewhere else. Is the really relationship fizzling or should we try and salvage what we can?
—Haaalp!
Dear Haaalp,
Ok, so, first of all, I’d like to say that I’m a HUGE expert on all this. I have tons of truly great ideas about how to help you out. Melania and I always work out our problems because our love for each other is bigly and we totally know what to do. Totally. Also, I’d like to say that Bill and Hillary aren’t as good at marriage as me and Melania, and that they had huge problems. Huge. Truly I think you should just break up with “bae,” or whatever this person’s name is, unless they’re rich, because being rich is great and super fun. That’s why I can shit on a gold toilet: because of money. And also because my friend Vladmir—not Putin, ok—sends me nice presents. He’s great.
Anyways, maybe consider not being with this person anymore, Haaalp. Truly, it doesn’t sound like a great thing, you should end it, be done, honestly,
Whatever,
Donald Trump
Dear 3 Wheels,
I’m super concerned about one of my friends because I think her S.O. is cheating on her—I saw them at a party making out with someone else only last week. Should I tell her or not?
Thanks,
—Concerned Friend
Dear Concerned,
Her boyfriend is trash. No class. If she’s as beautiful as my daughter, Ivanka, then she should marry someone great and huge, like Chip Hensworth or whoever that big actor is. He and I have similar hair. Anyways, dump your friends S.O. for her, or maybe just bring up how they have 30,000 illegal emails somewhere at every possible time. Trust me, it’ll work. I’m always right.
Whatever,
Donald Trump
Dear 3 Wheels,
What are some great date spots around Kenyon!? My S.O. and I would love to know! :)
—Taylor
Dear Taylor,
What is a “Kenyon” and would the owners like to have developments put there, because if so they should really contact Trump Building and Home because truly we have the best service ever, honestly the greatest, no lie.
Melania and I love to go to fancy restaurants and laugh at anyone who isn’t as rich as we are while scooping caviar into our mouths. If you can’t afford this, something cheap and fun like going to Russia is great. Just don’t go to China, because the last time I was there they were very, very rude to me. I know these are great tips, you’re welcome.
Whatever,
Donald Trump
Dear 3 Wheels,
I’m kind of nervous about asking out this person I really like, so what should I do?
—Nervous!!!
Dear Nervous with three exclamation points,
As long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass, you’ll have no problem, it’ll be great, it’ll be huge. My daughter Ivanka, who is very very beautiful and super smart, like me, used to have this problem, and I’d always tell her that if anyone would turn her down, they’re losers, and I’m sure this is true for you, unless you look like crooked Hillary, who’s terrible. But if you look like Ivanka, you’ll be able to marry someone like my son-in-law, Jared Kushner, who will be working in the white house for me, because I like to keep it all in the family, and it’s totally not weird that my entire family will fill positions in government, like my daughter Tiffany & Co, who will be head of the department of sparkly things.
Whatever,
Donald Trump
P.S. If you have hands as big as mine, which I hope you do, asking people out will be, like, truly not a problem.
Well, there you have it! Our now-president (hahaha, please help us) has all the answers to your HUGE relationship problems. Let’s hope one day that those problems will be as small as Mr. Trump’s hands are. Amen.
Image Credit: Fusion, Giphy