Oh, bab-ay. You’re in a snazzy relationship, but not sure that it’s 100% great? Well, look no further. If you’re unsure whether bae is right for you, here’s a list of what really happy couples always do.
Healthy couples never take their eyes off of each other.
The only way you really know if you’ve reached that point in your relationship where you know it’s legit is if you’ve figured out how to position yourselves at all times so that you’re constantly making eye contact. This is easiest, obviously, when you’re cuddling or doing *other things* in bed, since you can actually gaze into each other’s eyes and find the secrets of the universe, like where that rubbery orange cheese comes from. In public, the best thing to do is to tie your waists together and walk around with one person standing on the other’s feet and facing them. You might crash into some things, but concussions are worthwhile for true love. Completely avoid going out in public at all to constantly stare into bae’s glittering orbs. Just stay inside all day and forgo eating, showering, and making an income to stare into each other’s eyes and soak up all that fresh love!
Share your food, mother-bird style.
You haven’t truly been in love until you’ve eaten food that was already in your partner’s mouth. After all, what is love but meaningful exchange of bodily fluids? Don’t eat your partner’s vomit, though—that’s just far too dependent. If things are moving slowly, go on a date night to a really fancy restaurant. Feed each other bites of food from little silver forks, give it a couple chews, then lovingly push the food into your partner’s mouth directly from yours with a gentle but effective smooth. Note: dress your best, but be sure to wear a bib.
Happy couples never hold in their farts.
After all, research has shown that people are attracted to their partner’s smell, so farts are just the most concentrated way to get those warm fuzzy feelings pumping through your system! All of the great couples I know reserve an hour or so on Friday nights for an intimate farting session, usually after that Friday afternoon snack-that-becomes-dinner. Put on some smooth jazz, wear your shabbiest sweatpants, and lie around on the couch to bask in each other’s scent.
Raise a beautiful garden of succulents together.
In fact, why not let the plethora of succulents take over your entire house/room? Spend a crap ton of money on these lil plants and then have you and bae raise them! It’ll be like having 600 small green children! Every morning, you and bae can wake up together at the crack of dawn to make sure your succulents are maturing at a healthy rate, and then try to find a place to eat breakfast that isn’t covered in tiny plants. Bonus points if you and your sweetie give every succulent a unique name!
Borrow each other’s things.
Share that toothbrush. Wear your partner’s underwear for a day. Take your sweetie’s dirty laundry and rub it ALL over your body to give you that sweet post-gym scent. This will bring you closer together—because using something that they use every day will make everything seem so intimate.
Abstain from any PDA.
Who likes knowing someone is dating and happy? It’s better if you don’t give off dating vibes at all. Glare at your partner while you’re walking to the farmers market with them, and pretend to forget their name when you’re out with friends. When meeting bae’s parents, mention how you guys don’t really even, like, know each other! There’s something *~secretly sexy~* about being withholding and pretending you don’t know each other. It’s like roleplay but toned down…a lot. PSA: you still have to remain in eye contact THE ENTIRE TIME. Don’t forget tip #1, guys.
Basically, if you and your partner aren’t doing at least two of these things, consider talking to them about ways to improve. You can really bond over farts and houseplants. Trust us—our relationships are really successful.
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