Sometimes, I lock eyes with someone in Peirce for, like, three minutes, and then fantasize about how we’d get married on a rowboat surrounded by ducks, and then have a beautiful wedding and thirteen children. Haha, no, JK, this isn’t real. But, honestly, it’d be nice to know how to ask those goddamn people out. We’ve got you, fam. Just read our tips below.
Under no circumstances say hi to them every time you pass them on Middle Path.
Keep a running tally of the ratio of times you pass them to the times you acknowledge each other’s existence, and keep this ratio at about 5:2. You can’t make them feel too special, after all, because you’re cool and desirable! Then, once they feel properly confused about your feelings toward them, stop them at a really inconvenient moment—this will force them to acknowledge their deepest darkest most genuine feelings towards you, and ask you out.
Text them every time you eat in Peirce to give subtle hints that they should join you.
The best way to do this is to tell them where you’re eating. Once your text history consists solely of messages sent by you that look something like this:
“New side!”
“Old”
“Old side :)”
“New side ;)”
“ADR today :P”
…you’re on a really good track to ask them out! Plus, they’ll have a sense of what Peirce vibe you have. Note: it doesn’t matter if they ever actually join you. The key here is for them to know that you’re thinking of them, and that you’re a social butterfly, out and about in Peirce hall!
Text them every night you go out without fail.
Throughout the night, pepper them with questions like, “Is Bullseye lit?,” “Delt shut down yet?,” “How are NCAs?” etc. If you’re drunk, even better! Text them your innermost drunken thoughts to show how quirky and witty and possibly emotional you are. They will definitely appreciate those.
To actually ask them out, write your request in chalk on the sidewalk in front of Peirce.
Everyone needs to know. Even better? Sound out an all-stu that features lots of different colors and sizes of text. Act like an a capella group or Greek organization and write on a sheet to hang by Rosse, on the balcony in Old Side, or from your room in division. Claim your territory.
Give them clues as to when and where you’d like to go on a date by strategically placing artfully designed sticky notes around campus.
You know their Peirce habits and preferred library tables at this point due to the light stalking you’ve done, so put the notes where they’re sure to see them. And by artfully designed, I mean ART. Take a print-making class. Make prints. Sell your prints. Be a successful artiste. Buy a big house overlooking a cliff. This shows you are successful and dedicated and can provide for your SO.
Display your request using Peirce cups.
Take a lot of plastic Peirce cups and stack them up to make an installation art sculpture thing on Ransom Lawn. (Leave those sustainamugs alone, though.) Alternatively, collect lots of styrofoam cups and find one of those metal fences with the crisscrossing pattern that people put styrofoam cups in. Write their name in the fence using the cups. Kidnap them and drive them to the fence, because I’m pretty sure none of these exist on campus. Hire a retired criminal to make sure that the kidnapping is as authentic as possible! It’s important to get them all worked up and terrified so that they will be emotionally susceptible to falling into your arms in relief. Don’t forget the bouquet of flowers!
NOW GO, MY FAITHFUL STEEDS, AND MAKE YOUR CONQUESTS! ASK OUT ALL THE CUTE PEOPLE. And pls invite us to your wedding when you do get married. Ok, awesome. But seriously, good luck.
Image credits: Giphy.com, watchwellcast