So you broke up a while ago, and you’re totally over them, but at the moment you’d really like to talk to your ex again! It’s that time of year: people coming home, reunions happening, and cute couple photos being taken in front of Christmas trees. All this warmth and love around you just really makes you want to rekindle that connection you had before they broke your heart with some carefully selected Emojis. Here’s how to do so in an artful manner.
Write them a heartfelt letter.
Talk about “old times”—specifically the sexual part, that’ll help keep it casual. Be sure to include lots of metaphors about your lost connection that involve birds and drought and things breaking. You have multiple means of delivering this letter. I recommend shipping it to them in a large box so that they get to have the fun of unwrapping a big “present.” Alternatively, post it publicly on their Facebook wall. Letting everyone know where you stand—how over it you are and how much you appreciated them—is really important for your image. Besides, future S.O.’s can always read the letter to confirm how reasonable you are.
If they go to Kenyon, sit at their table during mealtimes.
This works best if they always sit at the same table, especially on Old Side. Sit at their table or sit with their group of friends and act casual, then be surprised when they approach the table. Also, get up and walk into the servery at the same time they do. Lurk near the peanut butter and reach for the same kind they like. The key here is creating fake coincidences. They need to be reminded that they can’t get rid of you, so they might as well embrace the idea of you being a permanent and awesome fixture in their life.
Make them think about you by planting your name in places they frequent.
Hack into Peirce’s email and put your name into all of their dish names. Make fake signs for events and opportunities on campus and write your name cleverly into the text. This way, they’ll notice – because you were so significant to them, obviously—but no one else will suspect a thing. Throw an all-campus party named after yourself. Become an architect and design a bunch of buildings on campus and name them all after yourself! (Yes, we know what Graham Gund was really after.)
Post a #tbt on Instagram.
It needs to be of a really memorable or intimate moment between you guys. You can do a general “shoutout” to your ex or you could gush about how great (or not) the relationship was. It’s especially fun if you don’t tag them in it, so that they find out about the post from their friends. It also gives the impression that you’re not posting it for them but for your own well-being and self-image. Alternatively, tell the story of your relationship exclusively in Emojis to keep everyone guessing what your status actually is.
Send them collages you make from magazine clippings
Get a bunch of Cosmos and cut up pictures of sex toys, sexy headlines like “How to turn on bae,” and other relationship-related content. Also, cut up sad headlines, like “Angelina and Brad: NOT Together forever” or “DUMPED: Kim Kardashian in tears, eating pizza all day, can’t get out of sweatpants” to remind you both of your breakup. But remember to include the sexy stuff, too, so your ex will remember the *good times* you had.
Mixtapes are great.
Can you feel the love tonight? Your ex sure will if you send them a burned CD of all your fave Disney love songs. They can pop and lock to some fresh High School Musical tunes while on their way to Chipotle in Mount Vernon or blast Kelly Clarkson from 2004 in their dorm. Make sure to include both angsty and reflective breakup songs. You want them to know all of the nuanced emotions you felt after the breakup but also that you are a strong confident woman. Wait, do people actually use CD’s anymore? Whatever.
Move so that you live near them and can keep on eye on them because honestly you’re just worried about how they’re doing without you.
But you don’t want them back. You just want to know when they leave for class/work in the morning and which day is laundry day and how much of their trash is from Chinese takeout. Just, you know, checking in.
Your ex will be so impressed with how chill you are if you do all of these things. I promise, I’ve tried them, and my ex hasn’t said anything to me about it!