Welcome back, FANS. We know you’ve been falling apart this summer without our expert advice. We’re sad to say that so have we. We have been exploring ourselves and learning not to depend on attention from potential romantic partners (or our adoring fans, like yourself). And frankly, we haven’t been doing the best job at it. We’re back and ready to share some tried-and-true methods with you about how we made our extremely platonic summer just, like, okay.
1. Learn how to contour.
I cannot emphasize enough how important the skill of contouring is. It’s like putting on battle armor. “Look at my cheekbones; so sharp, so defined, so ready to stab you when you betray me, as I know you are bound to do.” Being properly contoured, especially as a single woman, says so many important things: first of all, obviously, that you are ready to mingle, but secondly that your hand-eye coordination is top-notch.
2. Go to brunch by yourself.
Bring a book so that it’s clear that you planned to go by yourself. Don’t open the book though, just check Instagram and resent that you aren’t currently with your friends at the beach posing in flamingo floaties. Order at least two items for yourself and devour both dishes entirely. Overstay your welcome and don’t cry until you get into your car and Adele’s “When We Were Young” starts playing on the radio.
3. Run into your ex when you’re on the way to the dentist.
You didn’t put on any makeup and your hair was not clean and you looked like either an unattractively-stressed person or someone who has way too little stress and can afford to sleep in until 11 am (the second is true). He was nice and all, but he kept looking at this spot sort of right above your left eye, and you still think there might have been a spot of blueberry jam there.
4. Similarly, run into your high school teacher at Target.
Not really a hot one, but definitely the most attractive in the school and the one you and your friends giggled about sometimes out of obligation. You’re wearing dirty sweatpants that double as pajamas and a crappy T-shirt that’s borderline see-through, a fact that remains forefront in your mind as you discuss the summer and your lack of exciting abroad plans with said teacher. The fact that you’re thinking about this (and also realizing how un-hot this teacher is) makes you feel icky, and when you go home you take a really long shower. (Aesthetically, you would have liked a bath, but you hate baths.)
5. Watch chick flicks while working out.
When the hot love interest takes off his shirt, it’s like you’ll be running to him. You’ll burn so many calories, and also, your butt will look so good. Good butts attract true love, this is a fact.
6. Get so sick that you turn into a pile of mucus.
You’re so gross, you feel like you have to sanitize before even accessing any social media on your phone because it might spread somehow. Look at your friends at the beach. Look at your friend with her new boyfriend. Look at your other friend with her long-term girlfriend. Look at your semi ex-friend group from high school at a club you don’t know how they got into. Imagine another human being touching you and turning into a mucus monster at first contact. Imagine having to care for this mucus monster for the rest of your life, as punishment for luring the poor, unwitting human into your mucusy trap. Feel super guilty about all the expectations you have for people, and cut off all potential romantic interests.
Hope this helps! Look back on your summer. How platonic was it? Was it this platonic? Was it?! (Do I win the award for lamest, least romantic summer? Let me win something!)