“You’ll change your mind.” I’ve recently come to the conclusion that this phrase is the most annoying response one can give to a statement about a life choice, particularly when that statement is, “I don’t want kids.”
Now that I think about it, that is the only context in which I’ve ever heard someone say “you’ll change your mind” after I tell them about a life decision I have made or plan to make. When I was a high school student, no one ever said I’d change my mind when I mentioned that I wanted to go to college. I didn’t hear that response when I described any of the various careers I planned to pursue. Usually, even if a person disagreed with other assertions I made, he or she would at least add a “might” into the phrasing, making it a more casual, “Well, you might change your mind someday!” To be clear, I’m not a big fan of that reaction either.
Of course, the people who say I could change my mind are right. We can always change our minds. It happens! But, I think it’s crucial for them to think about why they’re giving that response before they actually say it because telling me that I could change my mind after I share such a personal detail of my identity comes across as a paternalistic denial of my life choice. If a woman tells you she is a Christian, you don’t say, “Oh, well, you could change your mind!” That would be an incredibly strange and rude response. Yeah, ten years from now she could decide that Christianity isn’t something she believes in anymore, but religion is a pretty important aspect of a person’s identity and a major life decision. That’s not something people immediately reject.
I suspect that if I said I wanted kids in the future, no one would feel the need to quickly assure me that opinions can change. It is specifically the declaration that I am a woman who does not have the desire to raise children that evokes this response.
This introduction came out in a slightly aggressive tone, and while I feel it is justified, I do want to scale it back a bit to make a few more points. I recently came to these conclusions after completing a project for my psychology of women class, in which I had to violate a gender norm. I chose to tell people (whom I knew) that I didn’t want kids, since this is actually how I feel. I received mixed results.
The best (and most unexpected) responses were things like, “Okay” or, “That’s cool.” These instances of simple acceptance of my decision were refreshing and encouraging, but they were also not so common. More often people were shocked and rushed to interrogate why I felt this way, always ending with the usual catchphrase (see first line of this piece). These reactions were disappointing and even hurtful. As I explained above, it’s not pleasant when people refuse to acknowledge your decision as valid.
However, this project only made me more confident in myself. It was nerve-wracking at first to reveal that I didn’t conform to this highly prescriptive female gender norm, since I anticipated and frequently received negative responses. But now that I’ve thought more deeply about my decision, defended my view, and listened to the responses of others, I know that no matter what people think, it is my choice, and I am sure of it.
In my opinion, it’s okay that I don’t want kids because:
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Being a mother is not the single most important thing a woman can do. While I know many mothers highly value this identity, there are others that can be just as important.
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I will still be fulfilled. I do not believe that any woman needs to have children to achieve personal fulfillment, though being a mother can certainly be fulfilling for many women.
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I will help children who already exist. I plan to enter the nonprofit field, and while I am not sure exactly where I’ll end up, I hope to assist children and families in some way.
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I can still be a fantastic aunt. My boyfriend and I have a running joke that whenever exciting things happen to us, things that would be quality material for stories that parents would tell their future children, we say, “there’s something we’ll tell someone else’s kids.”
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I will have more time to devote to myself, my family, my career, and anything else that interests me or that I think is important.
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I will save a TON of money.
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I won’t have to experience pregnancy or childbirth—huge pluses.
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I’ll have fur-babies instead. What can I say? I’m more of a dog person than a tiny human person.
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The planet is already overpopulated, and IF I change my mind, adoption is a viable and preferable option.
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I just don’t want kids, and honestly, that reason should be more than enough. A child should not have to grow up with parents who do not want to be parents, and no one should feel pressured into parenthood.
Next time someone tells you they don’t want to have kids—regardless of that person’s age, gender, sexuality, etc—please pause for a moment and think about the effect your reaction will have. Consider whether you would feel this way if she were talking about a different life decision, such as religion, education, or a career. Above all else, fight the urge to tell her she’ll change her mind. That just makes it a challenge.