Letter to My Younger Self: Dear January Self

Dear My January Self,

You are a different person now. Different from a year ago, different from a month ago, and far different than you will be a few weeks after writing this. At this point you already know that life can be unfair and that college is not necessarily the best four years of your life. But I just want to warn you that this semester will be hard. Your health will go south, you will feel rejected by those you trust, and depression will disguise itself as a flannel soft enough to slip back into.

But now you are here, where I am writing to you. And know that it was worth it. You are worth it. All the pain, all the pressure, all the panic, all the disappointments, all the gossip, all the loss.  All the gritting of teeth, all the blinking away of tears, all the lying around in bed, all the worrying about what had happened and what was still to come. All of it was worth it to be standing here now, a little bit taller and a little bit stronger.

Because I would not exist if you had not turned the struggle into a chance to grow. I would just be a figment of your imagination: a person that you aspired to be one day. A more confident woman with the knowledge of her own self-worth and a more enlightened vision of the world. I am far from perfect and far from utterly happy but I can tell you this: complete happiness and perfection are not things that one can attain. They are hidden within fleeting moments and feelings and you will probably only really appreciate them in hindsight. So hold on to those memories and hold on to those people that make you feel this way so that you can be reminded that there is perfection in your imperfections and that sometimes laughter can be found in a stream of tears.

And if people expect you to apologize for your passions or feelings, know that there is nothing regrettable or dishonorable in letting these people go. Know that you will never be able to truly love and appreciate yourself if you do not surround yourself with people who do the same, even when you cannot. Think of this action, not as a loss, but as a move to a better place, spiritually and mentally. And yes, this move will be hard. You will be uncomfortable, awkward, and angry, but know that those feelings are just for now. Know that in a few weeks and then months you will look back on the move you made as a blessing in disguise.

Remember that happiness is not always promised, but that toxicity is not necessary. Sometimes you have to choose between two different kinds of pain. One of the choices requires you to do nothing but sit and suffer. The other requires that you clench your teeth, pull yourself up and drag yourself forward despite the discomfort. Both ways are painful, difficult and disheartening but the latter requires you to be actively working towards a solution.

And this brings me to a very important lesson that you should try to remember throughout the next few months: the only person’s actions that you have control over are your own. People will be cruel. People will be self-serving. People will be ignorant. You don’t have to be. Strive to be kind. Strive to be empathetic. Strive to be compassionate. Strive to be giving. Strive to appreciate. Strive to forgive. And when you know deep down that there is no way you can look past something, know that there is nothing selfish about putting yourself first, especially when your health and happiness are on the line. For, at the end of the day you are the only person staring directly at yourself in the mirror and yours are the last thoughts you hear when lying awake at night. If you act in accordance with your morals and insights then you should always be proud of yourself.

Know that I am proud of you, and of our February self, our March self, and our April self. And remember to read this and reflect on your actions when you start to forget how great you really are. I know I will do the same in a few hours.

With love and admiration,

Your May Self