I’m taking a class on Latinx literature this semester and I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how my identity as a Latina has shaped my life. I moved to the United States at three years old before I even really knew how to speak coherently, and it’s kind of strange how this act of migration changed my life forever. My parents often say they moved us here under the impression it would last four years and we’d be back in Venezuela for the majority of my life. The political situation just got more and more complicated and the best plan became settling down in the US with the hope of us getting green cards.
While I did move here young enough that there wasn’t too much adjusting, I always felt that difference present. I had an accent throughout elementary school and I remember being made fun of for how I pronounced things. I also remember telling other kids I was from Venezuela and them looking at me like I was from another planet. When I learned the term “alien” was used to label immigrants I thought it was fitting. I learned quickly that being different made me stand out and made things difficult, so I made a very conscious effort to be as American as I could. I would go to Venezuela over the summers back when things were safer, but I always kept the two worlds very separate in my head.
As an adult, I really regret pushing away that other part of my identity for so long. Even in high school, I tried to ignore any form of difference because I was already having such a hard time fitting in. My high school was generally not the most inclusive place and I once again felt like I had to push down parts of myself to just make it out. Strangely enough, coming to Kenyon has made me feel the most connected and aware of my identity. Even though this is a predominantly white institution and that comes with its challenges, I have not felt the need to restrict any parts of myself to fit in and through that, I’ve been able to embrace parts of myself I’d forgotten about for a long time. Becoming an adult has also made me more aware of the difference that comes along with that Latina identity. I’ve been going to college in a swing state for nearly four years now and was even here during a presidential election, and it’s extremely evident to me that I am not American. And yet I am. I’m both and neither and it’s extremely strange. I’ve struggled with many aspects of my identity, particularly my sexuality. And I’ve started wondering if this position I’ve been in my whole life, of being between two worlds, has been the catalyst for all this self-exploration. I think there are many reasons I don’t feel I fit in a clear box. I am “different” beyond just my ethnicity, but I do think this liminality of existing as a Venezuelan and an American has made me equally uncomfortable and comfortable being different. It’s a constant ebb and flow, and I don’t fully know if I love it or hate it, but I’m starting to embrace the uncertainty.
