Let’s face it: art would make the perfect significant other. They would NEVER question your 3am pizza ordering habits, nor would they age and become wrinkly and old as we humans are doomed to suffer. But where do you find the art equivalent of your bae on campus? I, as a social butterfly and time traveler, have the 411 on the most eligible b-art-chelors and b-art-chelorettes on campus.
Gund Goat Statue
The Gund Gallery goat statue (whose name is CJ, I think) is truly an eccentric date. I hear they’re super into farming and love Pinterest, which, honestly, is great, but also, they can’t stop talking about GOATS. Seriously. All the art at the Gund Gallery knows this statue is seriously pissed- Dave, who lives in the seminar classroom, has had it with those goats.
Apparently, CJ will go out with you but only if you live at the Kenyon farm, love Avril Lavigne, and have at least eight Pinterest boards dedicated to farm decor. I mean, they’re not a terrible date, because CJ always pays and is always up for going to see a Ransom Notes concert, but when they insist that goats be in the chorus, it’s a bit much (truly a baaaa-d idea). Only date CJ if you’re super up for quirky differences, or worship goats.
Rosse Statue
The Angel Statue outside Rosse is really a posse of super woke frat boys who wear cupid wings and, during Halloween, togas. I think their names are Preston, Todd, Chad, Kyle, and Blake? They’re always talking about how they’re technically a part of Gamma Gamma Gamma and you can ONLY date one of them if you also agree to date all of their frat bros. You’ll also have to put up with a ton of beer pong, smelly discarded socks all over their Ackland, and choruses of “bruh” whenever you’re around any of them.
Also, Preston and Todd are in a relationship with each other, so you may not get anywhere with them, as they can be very exclusive. Pros about this group is that they actually will always watch your back and are 100% progressive. They’re huge Hillary supporters and Todd led a Gamma Gamma Gamma march in Washington to support gay marriage and transgender rights. They’re also feminists—I’ve engaged in conversations with them where we discuss Simone de Beauvoir, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie and toxic masculinity. If only they knew how to do their own laundry….
That Random Roy Lichtenstein in Tomsich
Oh my gosh, I hear Roy is SUCH a good date. Roy is incredibly complex and she’s always up for talking about art, politics and historical windmills. She also always wears sequins (even if she’s going to the market) and her dad has a horse farm in California. I also hear her hair’s insured for $10,000. She’s not super into relationships if you don’t match well with her star sign (she’s a Gemini), but she’ll befriend anyone and she’s super nice to you even if you’ve been to Northern California or love the Doobie Brothers. She doesn’t like to go out though, so good luck getting a date to that EDM party. Also, she punched me in the face once…it was AWESOME.
Science Quad Sculpture
The weird Henry Moore sculpture on the science quad is actually named Zachary Charles Bloomford IX, and he’s, ah, selective. Charles’ daddy owns an island in the Bahamas and his mummy only wears L.L. Bean and Brooks Brothers. His house was modelled off falling water and he’s been to the Met Gala twice. He’s also a fan of studded clothing and likes to pretend to be rebellious by rolling the cuffs of his jeans up. Sometimes, he can seem stand-offish because he scoffs at people talking about pumpkin spice lattes and only considers yellow labs to be acceptable dogs. But he’ll pay for your meal, and he’s got a sick vintage Jaguar named Tiffany, so that’s pretty cool, I guess?
KAC Sculpture…Thing?
Taylor is a HUGE Harry Potter nerd. Like, seriously. It’s awesome. You could talk to them ALL DAY about Ron and Hermione or how HUFFLEPUFF IS A SERIOUS HOUSE OKAY! Taylor loves long walks by the beach, doge memes and Wiggin’s Italian sodas. Taylor is 100% available, always, and will listen to everything you have to say. If you’ve taken eight shots of tequila and are crying on the bathroom floor about that video of a baby corgi you saw on Facebook or Jim and Pam’s wedding on The Office, Taylor is there for you. I mean, it’s not like I know from experience…whatever. Also, they’re super good at baking, and their secret NCA down by the Kokosing is always lit. They throw really, really great parties—there are brownies everywhere.
Okay, you guys. That’s the rundown of all the available art on campus. Now you know who may be the right fit for you or not. Go forth and get laid, you sexy, beautiful people you.
Image Credit: Lindy Wittenberg