Don’t let the title of this article confuse you—I have been in relationships before. The exact number is unclear, but all of the “circumstances” have lasted a month or less. That being said, you should take my advice with a grain of salt. Nonetheless, here are my top five tips for getting into or handling a relationship!!
1. Admire them from a distance
I consider myself a pro at this. In fact, I have spent many periods of time (lasting as long as eight months) doing just this before making any sort of move. I think this really gives you a good idea of the person you’re dealing with. Of course, I’m not suggesting you just watch them and sigh audibly, because that would be creepy. Befriend them, get to know them, try not to creep on their social media and just be a normal person, please. Eventually, they’ll figure it out and either they’ll just want to stay friends (which is totally cool because at this point you’ve developed a relationship and people are entitled to their feelings) or, if you’re lucky, they’ll like you back! Hopefully, you don’t immediately regret every decision you have ever made in your life once they reciprocate the feeling.
2. Never, under any circumstances, take any pictures with your S.O.
I have exactly two pictures with people that I at one point considered to be my “significant other.” for lack of a better term. I have always found that couples who incessantly post on social media are a little overbearing, so I always avoided that because I didn’t want to annoy people with my relationship. I have had exactly one real life #ManCrushMonday and I have always regretted it. Plus if you never post any pictures, you don’t have to purge your account of anything related to them if/when you break up.
3. Avoid any and all romantic gestures
Now, this could just be me, but I find romance only nice as a general concept. In practice, it is awkward and weird and what the heck are you supposed to do with the flowers during your date?? Carry them everywhere? They will just dry out, and make you feel as if this was not planned well—that being said, I am still always accepting flowers at any time, just for aesthetic purposes. Personally, I look back at romantic gestures and cringe but like I said, that’s probably just me. By all means, live out your wildest Nicholas Sparks dream!
4. Physical contact is weird, unwanted, and makes people uncomfortable, so don’t do it at all
Holding hands? In public? Why on Earth would you let other people know that you are tied down? As someone who had their first kiss and then later, first boyfriend, when they were 16, I grew to have a great disdain for PDA, most likely out of bitterness. However, it has unfortunately stuck with me. I have had boys ask if I even like them and quite honestly them asking that made me dislike them. I would much prefer to greet my significant other with a secret handshake than a kiss and I feel like that should be respected. I think that the ideal relationship is just a really great friendship that has gone on so long that eventually you just have to get married—romantic partner, who?
5. Don’t let your relationship get too serious
I’m sorry, did you just say the “L” word? Nope okay bye forever that is unacceptable!! I am all for spilling your deepest darkest secrets to your significant other; heck, I would tell just about anyone my life story if they asked. But the very moment they even hint at the utterance of the word “love,” it is time to get out. You’ve gone too far. This is a real thing and I don’t have a firm grasp on my feelings, so it is time to descend back into the void from whence I came from.
Now, before you all get mad at me, this is not a guide for everyone. Maybe it shouldn’t be a guide for anyone. I’m not even saying that these tips work!! In fact, by using a little common sense, you should be able to tell that they absolutely don’t work at all, not even a little bit. Don’t blame me for the bad results if you use these—I did warn you that I’m totally unqualified!