Alright, y’all. Buckle up for a bumpy ride. Strap on your… seat belts. Get ready to find love (or ya know, a casual fling if you’re into that sorta thing) in the Kenyon apocalypse. That’s right, you heard us. We know how you can find yourself a boo in any terrifying situation on campus, whether it’s a day without wifi, a “water boil” alert, a shortage of Peirce cups, or a sudden swarm of asian beetles.
Scenario 1: The Wifi is Down
What better way to start a conversation than asking your crush about the random info you’d normally be Googling? Cute cat videos. Are my nipples normal? Hugh Jackman’s age. By now, so many things have gone wrong that nothing on the internet is accurate anyway. (Two-day free shipping, my ass!)
Suggested pick-up lines:
The wifi’s not the only thing going down tonight.
The wifi may be down, but I’m feeling a real connection.
Scenario 2: No Water?!
Boil alert? That sounds like something my dermatologist would say. Whatever. The point is, you can’t drink the water on campus, and you can’t stay hydrated. Which means you’ll be thirsty. Very thirsty. For….a mate. The best way to find one, in this scenario, is to blatantly complain about the lack of water with everyone you see, so you can form a connection based on your hatred of goddamn boil alerts. Seriously, who would have thought Kenyon would be the college to revolutionize the definition of a “dry campus”?
Suggested pick-up lines:
I’d tap that.
Wanna come to my place? I’ve got tons of water. It’ll be real wet.
I want a chance to swallow something that doesn’t come out of a plastic water bottle tonight.
Scenario 3: Zombie Attack
Aim a flamethrower at the person who’s caught your eye. Throw it past them and say, “You set my heart on fire. Also, there was a zombie right behind you.” When they thank you for saving their life, take their face in your hands and kiss them passionately, knowing that it’s so much easier to date and find a relationship when you’ve got 90% less competition… because that 90% of the population is zombies.
Suggested pick-up line:
You can eat more than just my brains.
Scenario 4: Donald Trump Becomes President
The best situation here is just to move to Canada, and find someone there. And if all else fails in the dating game, just curl up with a tub of maple syrup and pancakes by the fire and think about how wonderful it is that Drumpf isn’t your prez. Holla.
Suggested pick-up lines:
Let’s make America bang again.
You can’t build a wall to keep me out, but you know what you can do? Use a condom.
Scenario 5: A Planned Power Outage
If you can’t Netflix and chill, you can still chill. Together. ‘Nough said. The trick is to hoard every bit of ice you can find… that’ll get bae hot. The supply will probably run out quickly, so it’s inevitable. Use this situation to your advantage by telling your sweetie that some people are “just worth melting for.”
Suggested pick-up line:
You can’t turn the power on, but you can turn me on.
Scenario 6: No Cups in Peirce
Again, casually mention your undying thirst whenever the opportunity arises. Find a nice-looking person with a cup and latch on. Suggest you share a cup and bond over the super unique fact that you both prefer your water gluten-free. If they don’t fall in love with you at first sip, make sure you end up nearby them when Peirce runs out of cups next, or take the situation into your hands by stealing all the cups*.
Suggested pick-up line:
There aren’t any cups to fill, but I know something else that’s getting filled tonight.
*But actually please don’t do this. Return your cups! Yay!
Even in the worst case scenario, it’s not impossible to date, so remember this when you’re looking to find your next mate (hey! That rhymed!). And, if you ever find yourself without any Pierce cups, power, or drinkable water in a world run by a zombie Donald Trump, well, we hope you get out with minimal scratches, and, possibly, a bae.
Image credits: giphy.com, MTV, Tumblr, and hercampus.com