I spent months anxiously awaiting the start of college. Once I knew I’d be coming to Kenyon, high school seemed ridiculously dull in comparison. I couldn’t wait to move in, create my perfect, cozy dorm room, start taking amazing classes, and meet new people. I had everything planned out: what classes I wanted to take, what clubs I wanted to join, and most importantly, who I wanted to be. I had been on a journey of self-improvement throughout the last two years of high school, and I figured college would be the perfect time to embrace the culmination of my efforts and to be a version of myself I would finally be happy with.
The first part of this was to become independent. I didn’t want to rely on my parents any more than was absolutely necessary. I figured this wouldn’t be too difficult as I considered myself already to be largely self-sufficient. I handled the responsibility aspect of this relatively well, building a routine for myself and sticking to it. However, I became really discouraged when I discovered just how much I missed my parents and the comforts of being at home. It is a totally natural feeling to have, but that aspect of the transition took a much larger toll on me than I expected and I was disappointed that it had.
The second thing I hoped to do was become more outgoing and make friends quickly. I’ve always been the kind of person who is quiet around people I don’t know, and as much as I wanted it to, this did not just go away during orientation. The people that I’ve met and become close with are wonderful, and I’m so grateful for them, but it did not suddenly become easy for me to talk to new people, and I’ve had to learn to come to terms with that fact. Lastly, I wanted to work harder and do better than I did in high school. I thought that if I just put in enough time studying and made a comprehensive enough Google calendar that this would simply happen. I would do all my readings, ace all my tests, and be better at writing essays than I ever had before. Speaking up in class and going to office hours had never been my strong suit in high school, and I planned to be immediately great at both. Of course, this did not happen exactly as I wanted it to. What I discovered is that the most important thing is to remember that my ideas are valid and should be expressed, even if it’s not always easy to voice them. I still require the same amount of sleep as I did in high school, and staying up to try to finish a reading is not usually productive. Finally, I’m not going to be great at every subject, and that’s not only okay but necessary to figuring out what I want to do with my life. I thought I could will away the difficulty of completely starting over in an unfamiliar place simply by working as hard as I possibly could and going to every activity and event to avoid having any alone time. If I was always busy, I figured I could avoid feeling unproductive or inadequate.
And, while I’m sure for some people that works, I am not one of those people. I need time when I don’t feel like I have to act a certain way or impress anyone. I need weekend nights where I do nothing but binge-watch Netflix in my room. I need mornings where I sleep in and don’t touch my homework even if I feel guilty about it. It’s great to strive for self-improvement, but it’s okay if not every moment is spent doing that. One month into freshman year and I haven’t grown quite as much as I’d hoped, but I’m working towards my goals, and that’s what matters. It’s okay if you’re not exactly where you want to be yet. It’s all okay. Breathe. You have time.