Lured into the realm of procrastination, scrolling through my Facebook feed, sometimes I stumble across clickbait articles listing seven, ten, or twelve: “Things to Know About the Perpetually Single Girl.” Somehow I never fail to find them many minutes—if not hours—deep into my procrastination frenzy, so I typically feel no regret as a Pucker Mob, The Odyssey Online, or even another Her Campus article pops up in a new tab. Not at first, anyway. In preparation for this piece, I sought out as many articles as possible that related to the “Perpetually Single Girl.” I did so hoping that one of them would leave out the bits about “damaged girls” and “barriers,” but after a solid hour of the same cringe-worthy excuses, I finally came to the conclusion that girls who forgo relationships are subtly stigmatized, even by other ladies who also prefer the #SingleLife.
Although I “dated” a handful of people in middle school, I tend to tell people that I have never been in a relationship before. (Would anyone consider holding hands in between first and second period and/or texting a winky face once in awhile a relationship?) As a result, I have had a lot of time to explore the world solo, and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I would be hard-pressed to give up that freedom for some rando. In my experience, whenever someone—particularly a girl—does not find a suitable romantic partner, people start to ask questions. Is something wrong with her? Has she been hurt before? Do you think that maybe, possibly that thing that happened to her aunt’s brother’s cousin’s friend’s wife ruined her perceptions of relationships forever?
I’ll answer all three questions with two words: Sorry, no.
Before I continue, I will admit that girls who have lived through a bad experience do exist, and their reservations to enter another romantic relationship are completely valid. However, I wholly reject the notion that girls like them are in any way “damaged.” Similarly, holding potential partners at an arm’s length and taking a blossoming relationship slow does not mean a partner needs to break down any “walls,” “barriers,” etc. to reach her heart. As an English major, I spend a great deal of my time studying word choice and language use, and using any of the aforementioned words tends to burden rather than empower a woman who’s already been disrespected in the past. For some reason, words like “walls,” and “barriers” also seem to invite others to try and “save” the “damaged girl” when all she really needs is some space to figure things out on her own. Trust me, she knows that “Not all men are like that.” Standing back and making sure that the next person she dates respects her more than the last one is perfectly fine. In fact, it’s healthy, and she doesn’t need anyone calling her “damaged” for being a little more selective about who she invites into her life next time.
Of course, I have never been hurt to the degree previously described, so I can only imagine how I would (or would not) want to be addressed in that situation. Whether or not you encounter a girl with a bad track record, it never hurts to choose your words thoughtfully. For instance, even though I cannot remember how many times my grandparents have interrogated me about my relationship status, I can distinctly remember how dejected they made me feel—as if I was somehow at fault or broken. People—family members in particular—mean well when they gush about you, your looks, your smarts, your dateability. Rarely do they realize that as much as we appreciate their compliments, their undue investment in our romantic lives forces us to confront social roles we may not want to assume at the time. As one Kenyon sophomore remarked, “Sometimes I feel pressured to be in a relationship, but all I really want to do is learn how to be my own person first.”
After my parents divorced my freshman year of high school, I decided that I would not even consider entering a serious relationship until I had a firm grasp on my hopes, my dreams, and my identity (assuming that such a feat is possible to accomplish in a single lifetime).  Although my parents loved each other, my mom married young and knew very little about herself before she exchanged her last name for my dad’s and held little baby me in her arms. After a decade of marriage, I do believe her underdeveloped understanding of herself pushed her toward a battle with alcoholism. While my dad pursued bike-riding and work events in his free time, my mom only had her work as a real estate agent and homemaking to keep her entertained. Now that my parents have divorced and figured out who they are as separated, distinct individuals, I have seen them grow so much. In my mind, if I could invest in the personal and professional development my mom and dad have accomplished over the past few years before I meet a potential partner, then I will be infinitely better off down the road.
In light of my own reasons for remaining single, it would be easy for someone to label me as “damaged,” or even fearful of love. That’s far from the truth. Last year I began dating someone at Kenyon for the first time. At first, the new experience was exhilarating because I had never actually gotten passed the whole “I like you” part without a metaphorical door being slammed in my face. After the newness of Reciprocated Feelings wore off, however, I soon learned that dating someone did not add anything spectacular to my life. Although I wanted to spend time with him, I wasn’t jumping-out-of-my-seat excited to see him. As much as I enjoyed talking to him, texting back somehow felt more obligatory than before. In short, dating someone did not exactly match the expectations laid out for me by the various Disney Channel shows I watched as a kid.
In the end, I broke things off with him. I felt extremely guilty the first couple days afterward, but I eventually came to terms with the fact that I did the right thing.
I felt free.
My parent’s divorce showed me the importance of knowing myself before inviting someone else to get to know me, but it took my first experience in the dating pool to fully appreciate the luxury of being a single, twenty-year-old woman. As college students, we have so many resources at our disposal to enrich our minds, build marketable skills, and develop platonic relationships with lifelong friends. Some people may find the loves of their lives at college, but if you don’t, then that’s not necessarily a reflection of your character. College is a time to explore the world, try new things, and, depending on who you ask, even make mistakes. If you don’t find your future spouse, that’s okay. If you don’t want to find your future spouse yet, then that’s fine, too. If you don’t even want to hook up with anyone, that’s great! You’re not damaged, guarded, broken, or any other label someone may want to throw your way. I hope you remember that when Valentine’s Day rolls around this Tuesday.
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Image credits: Popkey, Tumblr