We—3 Wheels, 3 Years, 2 Days—recently interviewed 3 Wheels, 2 Years, 2 Days for a HCK Profile.Check it out, fam.
Name: 3 Wheels
Year: Hahahaha you thought we’d reveal that? We must keep our anonymous nature…
Major: MLL (focusing on Love and Body Language), Romanty-Sci, and Chemistry
If you could be anyone for a day, who would it be?
Oh, God, Michelle Obama, for sure. She’s powerful, smart, graceful, and classy as heeeeell. But, like, also, I’d love to be a hamster or a dog. All you have to do is eat food and sleep all day. The lack of indoor toilets would be a bummer, though.
We know that you’re super into giving relationship advice! What do you think are the best tips and best advice you’ve ever received?
My mother—who is a strong, beautiful, empowered woman and who has been married to my dad, for like, 5,000 years, once told me that when you’re with the right person, it will be easy to be with them. Right now I’m thinkin’ that that right person is most definitely the pizza delivery guy who always puts up with me when I order pizza at 1:45 a.m. on a Saturday. We just, like, click, y’know? He brings me pizza. We barely talk. I get pizza out of it. Aw, yeah. Makes me happy just thinking about it.
What’s your favorite spot on campus?
I would say sunset point, or something cliche, but I’ve got to say it’s Peirce, where you get the chance to have long eye-contact sessions with potential future mates. That two second stare at the salad bar keeps me going all week. I secretly hope that one day, someone will spill something all over me and they’ll look into my eyes and say, “I’m so sorry!” and I’ll just be like, “Well, there’s something you can do.” Then I’ll bat my eyelashes and ask them out to coffee. It hasn’t happened yet. But I have set the toaster on fire a few times.
What inspired you to write this column?
Gwenyth Paltrow showed up at our door one day with a giant kale protein smoothie and said to me, “If you don’t write a satirical column for Her Campus about dating, I’m gonna force you to eat this ENTIRE thing.” What were we supposed to do? Drink that shit? No way. So that’s how it all started. We haven’t seen her since.
No but for real, besides Gwyneth—lovely gal—we were pretty sick of our friends telling us things like, “He sucks, forget about him” or, “You’re a strong independent woman or, “Hey, that’s my boyfriend you’re making out with!” because hey, we just want to date in college! And get married at 22! And buy a house with a white picket fence where we raise four kids named Gregory, Charles, Imogen, and Scarlet and a golden retriever named Barack and then also a cat who lives in our garage and the kids fall in love with, and every night my hubby will come home at exactly 6:00 and I’ll be dolled up in an apron—a feminist apron, of course—and we will never, ever feed our kids Lunchables so they will grow up to be strong beautiful humans who eventually buy the United States and—you know, I’d really just like someone to share a frappucino with me. And I want to help others do the same!
Okay…What’s your favorite date?
Definitely going to watch a long, awful movie together, because it gives you plenty of opportunities to talk and feed each other with movie theater snacks that you spent your fortunes on. Besides, what better way is there to get to know each other than complain about awful things together? Great relationships are built on hatred of the same things.
No, like, what’s your favorite date of the year?
Oh. February 13th. Galentine’s Day. For sure.
What is the best way someone has asked you out?
Well, one time this guy rented out a limo and paid for it to almost but not quite run into me. Like the car stopped right in front of me and knocked me over but I didn’t get hurt, and then he came up to me and handed me half of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and said, “My bad, maybe this will help,” and wowee was that the best PB&J I’ve ever had. We never actually went out but it was a nice gesture.
So technically I guess that wasn’t someone asking me out, because he never really talked to me and I’m not sure what his name was, but I would really like a big gesture like that that involves food. And it needs to be eye-grabbing. Ear-splitting. Ass-clenching.
Any advice for maintaining long-term relationships?
Structure your entire relationship around food. Eat meals together, share pieces of cake, use one fork between the two of you. If you’re shaking your head at this because you and bae don’t like the same food, then why are you even in that relationship?
There you have it, wheels! Now you know everything there is to know about your favorite romance experts.
Image credits: Giphy, AV Club