“You cannot save someone (from their political ideologies), you can only love them.” —Anais Nin
It had been four months since I had actually been home and, more importantly, felt at home in Colorado. At Kenyon, plenty of students discussed the unexpected difficulties of going home, like clingy parents or adjusting their sleep schedule. The hardest part of going home to my quaint, conservative town was the part about going home to my quaint, conservative town.
My family, old teachers, old boss, neighbors, people buying the same oatmeal as I was—everyone seemed to want to hear my opinion on hot topics, especially the upcoming election. It seemed in surviving Kenyon my opinion was now worth a damn (thanks guys), which theoretically was exciting. But the more I started discussing, with the regular Kenyon zeal, about politics, refugees, Planned Parenthood, and race (among other topics), the more that zeal faded and hesitance to open my mouth replaced it. I am firm in my beliefs. But it seemed that at the rate I was going, my beliefs would be the only thing I’d have left at the end of break, after everyone I loved and cared about either changed their mind about me or I about them.
The issues I was prodded to discuss all carried serious undertones. Discussions begged the question “How much is a life worth?” and also brought out questions about accepting and empathizing with those different than us. This discussion, every time, became one of morals, and this, I found, is where relationships go to die.
I couldn’t respect, much less want to be in the same room, with anyone whose beliefs I found to be cold and hurtful. Hearing callous words come out of mouths you have known to be tender and kind is quite like having the ground give way beneath you. It saddened me, not because they did not agree with me, but because I felt I was smashing every single reverential stone pedestal I had created for my people I loved and adored.
So I quit social media. I drove past Pro-Trump signs and looked the other way, feeling enervated and helpless.
Back on campus, writing this article brings back those disappointed feelings. And truthfully, it was because I returned to a town of adults, whom I loved, that began to finally treat me as an adult. And in the adult world, people have different opinions. Really wonderful, kind, intelligent people have different opinions. Really wonderful, kind, intelligent people have horrendous, disgusting, different opinions. But you know what, I thought to myself as I considered the problem, that appraisal is my opinion. Inversely, my opinions may appear in just the same way.
So, I came to a couple conclusions. I do not believe, as I may have once, that respect is stagnant. It forms and reforms and builds by actions, and it is okay to let your respect for someone vary. The alternative is childishly isolating that person on a pedestal, and this is ultimately detrimental to you and that person. Also, if they are just a random high school friend with shitty things to say, you do not have to continue that relationship.
But if you do want to keep some of the people with hurtful opinions in your life, then the solution is not what I turned to, and what people often do too: shutting off. Different opinions, as John Stuart Mill in On Liberty and the Subjugation of Women discusses, give the other party a chance to strengthen their argument if it is right and correct it if it is wrong. Arguments and debates, the act of questioning, are crucial to our society’s progression. If you disagree with someone, discuss issues with them! Not to be the person with the right answer, but rather to come closer to a right one. Ultimately, it will benefit you both.
Getting upset, or taking it personally, only hinders this open, and much needed, discussion. Immediately disregarding a person hinders discussion and hinders people from otherwise giving their opinions in the future. Home is hard. Being an adult and learning to deal with disappointment is hard. But, I am trying to remind myself, my opinions are valid and others’ are too. Welcome debates that promote growth, and when a debate cannot be resolved or will only become negative, stop the conversation.
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