I have been a proponent of kindness before I even knew what it fully meant—the 9-year-old me couldn’t possibly have had any ulterior motives when she helped an older man cross the street, back when I didn’t know I was performing what I have now come to call a “kindness cliché”. A lot of our kindness finds its roots in the ‘have-to’s. That is to say, a lot of our kindness is born out of obligation: you “have to” entertain the gaggle of passive-aggressive aunties every other month because they’re family, or you “have to” relinquish your seat in the bus to the lovely elderly gentleman because it’ll look a certain way if you don’t. One can argue that it doesn’t really matter where the kindness is coming from as long as it’s coming from somewhere, but replanting of its roots may spell out a more sustainable future for kindness—a future where it has a constant source from which it can replenish, where it keeps coming. So whether you’re making amends for having succumbed to your mean streak in high school or you simply want to be a kinder person, here are a few incremental ways in which you can strengthen the integrity—the new roots—of your kindness:
- Compliment Wisely
Many of us struggle to accept compliments, perhaps because of their disarming nature or the misconception that a “thank you” simply won’t cut it. Consequently, the urge to return a compliment with a compliment glimmers in the periphery as an alluring alternative. As irrepressible as this urge may be, I urge you, in turn, to resist it; by giving in to it, you run the risk of doing a disservice to both yourself and the person giving you the compliment. Although your intentions may be pure, you’re not only undervaluing the paid compliment by thinking of it as something that needs to be paid back right that instant, but also calling into question your own sincerity. The returned compliment resembles a weak, hollow echo of the first that might feel half-hearted and disingenuous to the other person. Contrary to popular belief, a heartfelt “thank you” does more than enough to convey your gratitude. If you wish to compliment them in return, try to do so later in the conversation when it’s likely to sound more like a genuine comment and less like a product of necessity or obligation—let it come to you naturally. This way, you’re brushing up on a particularly finicky people skill in the most guileless manner possible.
- Listen—Like, Really
I’ve been told that I’m an empath—or that I display the tendencies of one—for a few years now, and though I try my level best to keep it from happening, I must confess that it gets to my head sometimes. A friend could be venting to me about something, and at the slightest pause during which they might be looking for a certain word, I’ll complete their sentence with what I think they’re about to say. Sure, most times, I land pretty close to the mark, but even then, I recognise that by repeatedly doing this, I’m depriving them of the space they most probably sought me out for. We often tend to superimpose our feelings onto those around us. It is, therefore, a kindness in itself to simply listen to what they have to say rather than to listen to what we think they have to say.
- Balance Your Kindness Out with Honesty
It’s said that kindness without honesty is manipulation and kindness with honesty is integrity. Although the former half is a little too strongly worded for my liking, there is truth at its core. It just so happens that sometimes we inadvertently hurt those around us by delivering the wrong dose of kindness. It’s of paramount importance to strike a balance that ensures the kindness you’re doling out isn’t devoid of the honesty that makes it genuine. Your kindness will be all the better for the honesty that you balance it with.
- Calculate Your Kindness
Following directly from the previous two points: there is such a thing as being too kind. As harsh as it may sound, there are some who aren’t as deserving of your kindness as others. It is, therefore, as important to be aware of where your kindness is going as it is to be aware of where it’s coming from. You might find, through experience, that watering the wrong pots makes it that much more difficult to keep your own cup full. If being kind to certain people is proving to be especially taxing, it’s imperative that you take a step back and evaluate the channels through which your kindness is running. Think of it as an investment— although this may sound contentious, it’s okay to expect some returns as long as that’s not the only reason you’re doing it. Reserve your kindness for those who do their due diligence in refilling your cup. It’s a sure-fire way of ensuring that there’s always enough to go around.
As we bring the tips to a close, it’s important to note that to really be able to effect any of these changes, you must be kind to yourself, too. Without having felt your own kindness, you might always fall short of being your kindest self to others. Should you come to acknowledge its value, though, I strongly believe these points stand a chance of resonating with you.