It takes, on average, two conversations with me before I bring up my frustrations with the inconsiderate atmosphere that many of us are merely surviving in. Then I’ll probably go on a tangent about compassion and self-centredness in our apparently collectivist society and how, perhaps, it’s too utopic for us to truly practise everything we preach about kindness. This self-awareness and predictability of my own tangents results from hours of thinking and talking about this.
A few days back, while scrolling, I saw a post that went vaguely along the lines of “the tragedy of feeling too much is yours to bear because you understand them, but they don’t understand you”. That has stuck with me because, as an empath myself, I feel too deeply. But what’s *too* deeply? Saying I feel *too* deeply makes it sound like it’s a weakness, a rejected vulnerability or a tender spot after repeated wounds. Being an empath means I happily bear the scars of feeling your feelings with you. But I considered it a weakness for far too long and wished I could just turn it off. I especially yearned to turn off empathy when I found myself justifying a hurt person’s hurtful behaviour towards me. Nobody taught me that just because I could understand someone’s pain, I did not have to be the person who bore the brunt of it. I spent years unable to accept the aches of being an empath despite appreciating that it rendered me useful. My friends felt safe confiding in me, being vulnerable and seeking my support. I felt worthwhile when I could use my empathy to show up unconditionally for them and help them feel good about themselves.
Something changed recently though. After months of struggling with my boundaries being overstepped and repeatedly getting hurt, I eventually turned inward. I recognised a pattern in me that was limiting my own joy; self-sabotage if you will. It took some therapy (a lot actually, nearly 2 years) and some self-help books to realise that the main reason I was repeatedly being hurt and letting my boundaries be overstepped was my lack of self-compassion (I would highly recommend reading ‘Self Compassion’ by Kristin Neff). I was seeking all this validation of my usefulness and value from others by showing up for them unconditionally. Despite my best attempts at keeping any expectations of reciprocity at bay, I would almost inevitably feel hurt when no one showed up for me the way I did for them. But it never occurred to me that I could offer this validation to myself by showing up for myself unconditionally. I could be the person who validates me and respects my boundaries. I could be the person who returns my empathy and compassion and shows up and overextends, you guessed it, for myself. And I could define my own worth outside of my utility to others. This realisation was beyond empowering.
I’m not here to portray a fairytale picture of how I was a healed person the day immediately after this realisation, became independent and loved myself unconditionally and “hashtag self-love” (or whatever). If you’ve had to make a behavioural or cognitive shift from an old pattern, you would know that it takes time and conscious effort. Self-compassion is a conscious effort, especially when you have spent years placing your value in others’ hands and none in your own. It has taken many months and it’s an ongoing process. I have gradually but certainly learned and challenged my limiting beliefs and learned so much about myself in the process.
So, dear empath reading this, I hope you understand why I fervently believe in the power of compassion, especially for oneself. Compassion has the strength to heal your relationship with yourself and with people around you. It is a continuous process, to be sure, but you put one foot in front of the other, and hopefully one day, you can assert your boundaries without feeling guilty. And most importantly, I hope you realise that your worth is not defined by your utility to others. Remind yourself that you deserve the same kindness you give to those around you. You deserve to show up for yourself and treat your pain with the kindness it seeks. And you deserve to know that empathy is only a weakness when it is repeatedly denied from the self.