As a 20-year-old girl living in a spirited college town, there really isn’t an escape from Tinder. This new hot-or-not app has spread like wildfire throughout campuses nationwide and it seems like everyone is constantly swiping. I personally have no interest in using an app to find men just miles from me who want to have sex (um… creepy) but after watching my friends get match after match and hit “Keep Playing,” I had to get one for myself. It isn’t the cheesy bios or the vomit-inducing pick-up lines that make me laugh, though; it’s the pictures. These guys are selling themselves on a basis of 3-5 pictures, and THESE are the golden photos that seem to always make the cut (as told by embarrassingly real Facebook photos of mine):
1) The “Date Me I’m a Green-Smoothie Drinker with Wanderlust who Probably Hikes Barefoot and Chooses Paper over Plastic”
Or maybe your parents paid for an all-inclusive school trip through Europe with all your friends and you ate Nutella and drank beer the whole time. With shoes on.
2) The “Am I a Brother or Am I a Dad?”
Ah, yes. I love a rousing game of “Child or Sibling?” Maybe he’s a protective older brother who takes his little sister out for ice cream and deals with kids who bully her. Or maybe that kid is the product of his crazy ex-girlfriend who sends you bitchy Facebook messages because her kid calls you “Mommy.”
3) The High School Formal
Did you peak in high school? Was being Prom King your defining moment? Does that girl still have her corsage from you tacked to the corkboard above her desk? Probably.
4) The Cartoon Filter
Stop. Please, just stop. Just do us all a favor and log out of Tinder.
5) The Group Photo
Okay, so maybe your frat had a theme party and your costume was ***flawless. Or maybe you had killer signs in the front row on game day. But if I swipe through four pictures of multiple dudes, I’m going to get my hopes up that you’re the 6’4” brunette in the back with the nice teeth. And 9 times out of 10, you’re not. Don’t play me like that.
6) The “My Twitter Bio Says I’m a Model/Rapper/Hustler”
Tinder is not a modeling agency. Those pictures were taken in your mom’s living room. You are not a rapper. Your mixtape makes my ears bleed. You are not famous. You don’t hustle. You work the overnight shift at an IHOP. Sit down.
7) The Extreme Close Up
Wow, hi, okay well, I’m happy to know that you’re attractive from your eyebrows to your chin and that your pores are clear and your teeth have been brushed, but where’s the rest of you?
8) The Senior Picture
It’s 2014. Everyone has access to a nice camera. If your best quality photo is a professional headshot from high school, you should probably consider investing in the iPhone 6. You can perfect your own lighting and filters without having to do the awkward, look-over-the-shoulder pose.
9) Drunk Selfies
Do you know what you look like when you’re drunk? Sweaty. You also have a nauseating smile on your face that tells me you’re either about to do something stupid, or you’ve already done that, rallied, and begun plotting more. I imagine you say “bro” lot. Dude.
10) The Uncomfortably Artistic Gaze into the Depths of my Soul
Nothing about your wide eyes staring through my phone screen with your mouth agape makes me trust you not to turn our “date” into me getting murdered in the middle of nowhere.