The onset of Valentine’s Day always prompts me to reflect on the love I’ve experienced in my life. In my 23 years of life, I’ve had no great, all-consuming romantic love. This fact doesn’t pain me too much though because I’ve come to realize that my friends are truly the loves of my life.
But now that my friends and I have begun to graduate college and start our adult lives, things have gotten more complicated. Each of my friends from college and high school seem to be in totally different seasons of life, which has become a challenge for some of our friendships.
Some of my friends are in graduate school or have started working a 9-5. Others have moved across the country or gotten serious with their romantic partners. Each of these life changes can shift the dynamic of a friendship.
While it has been exciting to see my friends grow, it was initially difficult to navigate the new circumstances of my friendships. This article will outline three steps for how to prioritize friendship when it feels like everything is changing at the speed of light. I’m here to tell you that while friendship will inevitably change after graduation, it doesn’t have to end!
- Communicate expectations
Before finishing undergrad, one of my most intentional friends and I were having a picnic at the park. My friend initiated a conversation where she said, “I know we’re both about to graduate and we’ll be living in different cities soon, so I think we should talk about our friendship expectations for the future.” I was so happy she brought up the topic. She and I had been suitemates our freshman year and had maintained our friendship even when we weren’t living together. But this would be a whole new ballgame.
We both wanted to make sure we set reasonable expectations so that we weren’t destined to be disappointed if we weren’t seeing each other often enough. We came to 3 basic expectations:
- We would both try our best to see each other when we came near the other person’s city
- We would make it a priority to see each other close to our birthdays
- We would try to have semi-regular phone calls
So far, we’ve been able to maintain our friendship, despite no longer living in the same state! I attribute this largely to our discussion at the end of college. The conversation acknowledged the forthcoming change without surrendering to it. The conversation made me feel like we had agency over the future and reminded me that it was up to us to continue to invest in our friendship. With this particular friend, it isn’t the amount of time we spend together, it’s the fact that we have a foundation of open communication and an understanding that even when we spend a lot of time apart, we will always be able to come back together again.
- Establish traditions or routines
All of my three high school best friends went to different universities than me. But despite being in different cities, we were eventually able to get into a routine where we regularly made time for each other by convening on each of our birthdays. Four years later, we’ve graduated from college and we still see each other on our birthdays.
Over the years, this tradition has granted us countless memories together. We never made a formal pledge or promise to spend birthdays together, but it has grown to become a habit. Even though we don’t see each other all the time, we always have a special occasion to look forward to.
After graduating college, I’ve decided I need a new tradition to embrace with my college friends. I decided that homecoming is the perfect opportunity for us to get back together at our alma mater. Picking a common location and an event that can be scheduled in advance can make creating these traditions seamless.
But what happens in between the birthdays, holidays, and big events? Try to schedule regular phone calls, coffee dates, or Netflix watch parties to stay involved in each other’s day to day life. The little things can be just as meaningful in the prioritization of friendship.
- Communicate openly
Since moving to a new school and city for a master’s program, I’ve experienced a lot of change. In my case, part of this change has meant living alone in a city where I didn’t know anyone. The loneliness I experienced compared to undergrad and high school came as a shock to me. It was made worse by the feeling that my friends were having fun without me and that they seemed to be comfortable in their lives. At first, I tried to put up a façade that I was enjoying my new life, but in truth, I felt more alone than I ever had before.
Eventually, I realized there was no use in pretending everything was okay to my friends. I began to talk openly about these feelings of loneliness and my ever-supportive friends totally understood. Communicating my feelings allowed them to open up about how they had been feeling too. It became a bonding experience for us, sharing our fears about the changes we’ve been going through.
It can take some real bravery to be vulnerable about what you’ve been struggling with, but it can often bring you closer together. It showed me that many of my friends were grappling with life’s changes too, but sometimes you have to be the one to break the ice first. Allow yourself to lean on your friends and let them lean on you!
In the wake of uncertainty, it can feel difficult to reach out to friends, especially if you don’t live in close proximity. But taking the time to set expectations, create traditions, and communicate openly are a few steps to maintaining friendships when everything else feels unsure. Friendship is one of life’s greatest treasures and it doesn’t need to fall away after graduation.