The idea of priding oneself on needing absolutely no one and considering it an act of weakness to need or seek help of any kind, isn’t realistic or healthy.
Whether it be the smallest of your errands to your biggest life decisions, you should have people you can go to, in fact you need people to go to.
Needing someone isn’t weak & neither are you.
Understanding the difference between a want & a need is important when it comes to debating over purchases & materialistic things, but I’d argue even more important when it comes to interpreting our individual wants & needs, & what we seek in our relationships with ourselves & others.
I saw a tik tok (of course a tik tok) the other day, which prompted me to think & reflect more about the idea of needing vs. wanting certain people in your life, and why needing someone doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human.
The perspective Delaney (the user that made it!) took in regards to the overarching ideas of “wanting” and “needing” someone really interested me.
She discusses how she doesn’t need to light a candle, make her morning coffee, or partake in any of these highlights of her day routinely, but she still does, because it makes life better for her. These little things that bring her joy are the things that she wants to do, that make life worth living.
She then applies this to the idea that if we had to live without any of our friends for a day, week, or month (quarantine anyone??) we could. Though we wouldn’t like it. We want our loved ones, because we want their time, love, and presence.
I do believe as humans the need for close, loving relationships of all sorts is essential, but I think what Delaney is actually communicating, is that having friends is a need, but out of all of our options, we get to choose the people we want in our lives.
It reminded me a lot of some of the ways I used to struggle viewing needing & wanting friends, and even asking for help with the smallest of tasks. Needing help and connection, makes us human. However, this simple fact used to be hard for me.
There were times when I was feeling excluded and alone during my lower points early on in high school, and I would almost pride myself (without even realizing it), on never “needing” anyone.
I was also beginning to experience feelings of anxiety for the first time, and needed extra help out of school in one class in particular.
I was SO hesitant to even get the tutor I NEEDED because I thought between me & myself, that that would mean I wasn’t smart or wasn’t as good of a student as I thought because I needed help?
I remember genuinely believing it would be a step back & that it would be a sign of weakness??? (mind you- I didn’t view anyone else who needed a tutor this way…I was just hard on myself!!)
Here, even something as small as needing help on a math problem and I thought it meant I was weak? You can imagine how this applied to me admitting to any of my friends how I was feeling.
I am so happy that I’ve grown and learned how to be gentle and loving with the HUMAN that I am. & you know what? As humans we need each other, and that does NOT make us weak!!
In fact, believe it or not *Deema of the past I hope you are listening*, it makes us stronger.
I think a big reason I didn’t understand this in the past, was because I’d have a fear of “needing” someone, when what I didn’t realize what I actually feared was being dependent upon someone.
Needing someone is human and beautiful, as is being able to rely on your inner circle!
But, codependency, defined as the “excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner”, is unhealthy and quite different. (which could be a WHOLE article.)
Finally, honoring our own individual wants & needs for who we want in our lives, and who is granted access to us & our energy is just as important.
It is not selfish to protect your peace, and want only people that genuinely bring you happiness and add positively to your life.
We become like the people we surround ourselves with the most, so it’s important to choose your inner circle wisely.
I notice as humans we often get fixated on the idea of “needing” someone instantaneously, whether it be a friend or a significant other to “fix” our unhappiness or feelings of self-pity when we feel alone. This often leads to settling.
You do need loving relationships, but you shouldn’t just settle for anyone! Honoring yourself and knowing your worth, means you’re less likely to settle and more likely to find the people you genuinely want in your life, because you know you deserve the best and that you need those geuine & supportive relationships.
On the topic of relationships, to wrap things up on a light-hearted note; I know no better than to conclude with the most relevant Selena Gomez lyric that encompasses everything we’ll ever need to know about needing vs. wanting someone. *ahem*
I mean -I couldn’t have explained wants vs. needs better myself, so? ;)